Columbine

Yesterday, one of my sister's sister-in-laws got married. Tod came out for the wedding. He's probably still one of my favorite ppl, even if we do push each other around. Probably because we do that. He's the one who took some pics of me and my bike. This one's my favorite:

1988 Honda Interceptor VTR 250

I named her Columbine - after the flower and because there's a shooting attached to the name as well. How could I resist a name that simultaneously is innocence and violence all at the same time?

Just found some stats and did the math. She's almost 3x heavier than me. I am motivated to not have her on the ground so that I need to pick her up. Done it before and it SUCKS.

End of year musings/downer

Just about the only thing I've been looking forward to lately is the arrival of a certain someone when they come back to Utah to be present for a major life event of someone else.

I am too good at non-feeling if that's the only thing I truly feel anything about. Feeling came back for a while back in April/May and some here and there-type things months later but I've lapsed back. Certain things I did and didn't do, but I can't remember my logic in the first place.

Read a lot of books, watched a lot of Buffy. Texted some ppl I should have and some others that I shouldn't. Had morose thoughts and tried to distract myself. Gave things to people. Hung out with friends. Played on my new motorcycle.


I've been on YouTube a lot more lately: Fade Into the Background - Ne-Yo

100 Things you're grateful for (guided):

AKA 10 days of blogging challenge
Stolen to the 3rd degree, but I edited it XD

• 10 people you are grateful for.
• 10 physical abilities you are grateful for.
• 10 material possessions you are grateful for.
• 10 things about your personality you are grateful for.
• 10 things about this week that you are grateful for.
• 10 places on earth you are grateful for.
• 10 learning experiences you are grateful for.
• 10 acts of service you are grateful for.
• 10 inventions you are 
grateful for.
• 10 things about the gospel you are grateful for.

I went ahead and started this this morning. I understand that other ppl are busy XD

People:

1. Rachel (you're a great roommate & sister)
2. Mary&Drew (I can always rely on you. Plus, deep conversations are nice)
3. Regina (don't know you well yet, but I am looking forward to it)
4. Jason (for letting me know it's possible to be friends even after breaking up)
5. Mike, Bryce, & Sarah (thanks for letting me not be a total social pariah in the ward)
6. Bri&Nathan, Rob, Dann (for encouraging me and helping with my bike)
7. Heidi (w/o you, I'd've probably been a social misfit for a large number of years more than I was)
8. Justin (for showing me that I'm not permanently damaged and also helping me find a job)
9. Tod (for the experience and also helping me to remember)
10. Mom (for letting me have love and understanding for those who've been hurt deeply)

Physical Abilities:

1. sensitivity to touch, temperature
2. good eyesight
3. ability to travel for several miles on foot or using a bike
4. pain to alert me when something's wrong with body position etc
5. sleeping a full night
6. can handle humidity and summer temperatures
7. not sitting still for prolonged periods of time (woot for burning calories)
8. high metabolism that allows me to eat as much good food as I want
9. (developing) ability to drive a motorcycle
10. healing

Material Possesions:

1. 250cc Honda Interceptor Motorcycle
2. Laptop computer
3. Electric blanket - don't know how else I'd survive
   
4. apartment
5. savings
6. cute clothes - esp. the shirts XD
7. jigsaw puzzles
8. long hair
9. good paying job
10. spaghetti in my fridge

Personality/Mental Abilities:

1. Loving others
2. getting excited about the small things
3. acting happy-goofy around friends
   
4. no subtlety - sledgehammer comparison
   
5. Focus on one at a time
6. spatial awareness and ability to backtrack
   
7. between incredibly happy and neutral 9 out of 10 days
   
8. comfortable with silence and/or quiet in my downtime
   
9. listening to others
10. learning complicated things and retaining random trivia

This week:

1. Went Christmas shopping
2. being the friend of choice when someone needed distraction
3. having clean laundry (but not that I needed to put it away)
4. getting my hair put in tiny braids and having an awesome-looking bun
5. getting back into reading books instead of watching tv shows
6. cleaning the kitchen and making spaghetti & feeling accomplished
7. getting the phone number for and talking to my new mom
8. more practice on my motorcycle
9. eating Rachel & Jeff's "gingerbread" house
10. being able to function on too-little sleep and catching up on it later

Places:

1. Myrtle beach (the ocean soothes me in ways nothing else can)
2. Dad's house (wish I was there now)
3. My apartment (having a place that is truly mine where I am boss)
4. Wal-Mart (24-hr store that I can browse for hours on end)
5. Banana Leaf & Great China Restaurant (with friends, of course)
6. Provo City Library (hunting books feels like such a treasure hunt)
7. Lake Anna (waterskiing is the best! - even though they don't live there anymore)
8. Airports (esp. the ones with free Wi-Fi. I love flying)
9. Uncle Brent's house ('White Christmas'-es there are so fun)
10. Temples (currently the Provo temple and the one being built almost next door to me)

Learning experiences:

1. working customer service
2. having my own apartment
3. purchasing and owning a motorcycle
4. transportation to work
5. exploring Provo and Orem
6. dating good and bad
7. not talking to someone for over 2 years and seeing the changes they've made
8. having parents like mine
9. being rejected by some and taken in by others
10. paying back my debts

Acts of Service:

1. rides home
2. cooking
3. cleaning for someone else
4. getting stuff I know someone will enjoy and giving them
5. talking to someone who needed a listening ear
6. talking to someone who gave a listening ear
7. patience and coaching and all the while being nonjudgmental
   
8. remembering old friends
9. keeping a secret
10. being friends with me even with my eccentricities

Inventions:

1. Internet - Pandora - Mannheim Steamroller/Trans-Siberian Orchestra Christmas station
2. Public bus system
3. Plumbing
4. Laptop - I can have MY computer when I travel and when I won't even get out of bed
5. heaters
6. Brushes, combs & ponytail holders
7. Refrigerator, Microwave & oven
8. Printing press - books, obviously
   
9. Cell phones - chatting on a computer and talking on a phone combined as something you can keep in your pocket
   
10. Cameras

Gospel:

1. Repentance
2. Songs that are testimonies
3. Home Teachers
4. Visiting Teachers
5. Conference
6. Bishops
7. Potlucks
8. Latter-Day prophets
   
9. Patriarchal Blessing
   
10. Jesus Christ

EDIT: combined posts

(Book) Revival

I think I'm going to start reading again. TV shows especially have let me down. They suck up my time and don't even make me happy. Time to get back into the library on a regular basis. Reading this book at work and at home has helped me remember that media CAN make me cheerful and happy.


Joining this site might have also had something to do with it... heh

Bittersweet

Those uncomfortable car rides home where it becomes painfully obvious how little you know about me, that's the time I miss him the most.


PS - I've got a job interview tomorrow morning

EDIT - Those late nights when he drove me home are some of my favorite memories (esp. from that period of my life). I felt so safe and content. It's fun to be sleep-drunk around someone who will just laugh at you and expects you to do the same to them if the positions were reversed.

Job Application

There's a limit to how many job applications I can submit before my brain fries. I'm off to do fun things with my day now.

Josh Groban

Weeping

I knew a man who lived in fear
It was huge, it was angry,
It was drawing near.
Behind his house a secret place
Was the shadow of the demon
He could never face.

He built a wall of steel and flame
And men with guns to keep it tame
Then standing back he made it plain
That the nightmare would never ever rise again
But the fear and the fire and the guns remain.

[Chorus]

And then one day the neighbours came
They were curious to know about the smoke and flame
They stood around outside the wall
But of course there was nothing to be heard at all
"My friends," he said, "We've reached our goal
The threat is under firm control
As long as peace and order reign
I'll be damned if I can see a reason to explain
Why the fear and the fire and the guns remain."

Chorus:
It doesn't matter now it's over anyhow
He tells the world that it's sleeping
But as the night came round
I heard its lonely sound
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping.

Food

This list is mostly for Rachel...

Spaghetti with sauce and meat
Lasagna
Chicken Alfredo pasta
Sausage pizza
Garlic bread
Enchilada Casserole
Chicken & Dumplings
Ice Cream (Caramel & Praline, Cookie Dough)
Sour gummy worms
Banana/Vanilla Pudding

Taco salad
Cheesy mashed potatoes (maybe w/meat, too)
Macaroni & Cheese casserole
Potato casserole
Amish broccoli
Cheese broccoli and/or garlic spinach
Chicken Almond
Taco Soup
Spinach pasta
Pasta salad
Tuna Noodle Casserole
Orange chicken/Sweet n Sour chicken
Banana bread

So... my blog is no longer private. The person I was most worried about reading this is not so much of a threat in my life anymore, and with that realization, I'm finding myself relaxing by degrees. Couple that with a week or two of cheerfulness and feeling the need to share things I'm excited about results in realizing that I can try to be brave and share even more of myself to more of the public.

Just figured I'd do a fair warning-type thing.

Motorcycles

Reading the Motorcycle Operator Manual (MSF Manual) was probably the 2nd most thrilling thing I've done today. Reading what it had to say about safety reaffirmed my decision that motorcycles handle different enough from cars that I can retain my "people are trying to kill me" mentality that I have with my regular bicycle and can get away from my super-aggressive driver mentality I have in a regular vehicle. Also, maintenance should also be different enough to let me train myself into actually doing it.

The 1st most thrilling was when a motorcycle friend and his dad, who apparently are both mechanically-minded and do this kind of thing for fun, came over to look at my bike and gave non-judgmental coaching and also tweaked the brakes to make them better and said that they can fix my throttle tomorrow morning.

this pic doesn't do it justice

PS - I think this bike is GORGEOUS. When I sat on it for the first time when checking it out, I fell in love with her immediately. It is a beautiful machine. I haven't gotten this excited about anything like this recently besides the Marching Band at the football game I went to on Saturday

EDIT: Just so's you know, this is a 1988 Honda 250VTR Interceptor. It is in amazing shape with almost no rust etc

New things/Updates

There've been a lot of things new in my life that I've been too busy, too tired, or too depressed to share and I felt like I'd catch you guys up.

Levi was born!
Mom came in town
-we actually were friendly and she took me shopping and it was actually pleasant
I bought a motorcycle (yes, the helmet came with it)
-Honda Interceptor 250cc
Visiting Tod was awesome. I love that guy in the same way I love my handful of close friends and yet I still feel a bit sad about not being IN love with him anymore.
I miss a previous relationship and wish we could've truly dated and he had had more time to devote to a relationship.
I have a buddy that I feel more distant towards every time we hang out. I don't understand what happened--he was so sweet and cute in the beginning.
One of my friends has cancer. So far he is the most entertaining, hilarious, weird, and understanding/unjudgmental guy I've met in a long time.
I might be close to being done with my chiropractor visits, cross your fingers.
My sister/roommate is leaving town for thanksgiving, so has made me lots of food that I am super excited about--she even made me a dish to bring with me to another sister and bro-in-law's for thanksgiving! (Thank you, you're so amazing!)
I discovered that our heater was broken and a repairman has come and remedied the problem.

The reason following the mood

I was on a friend's facebook page, reading their statuses over and over again. I miss them. I feel a bit pathetic and creepy, but mostly sad. Lately I've been catching myself doing that quite often--feeling sad and my subconscious brain grasping for ways to justify the mood. There was one notable ride home that started me noticing it. I had been feeling down for about half the ride. About 10 min from home, a reason to be depressed popped into my head and the thought process that led me there just had me in awe. I told myself that I was being completely ridiculous and fought with that inner self the rest of the way home.

Being aware helps some, but it doesn't stop the general mood. It is sucky.


Quote: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

CA trip

So, this past weekend, I went to see Tod. It was really nice. I know exactly why I fell in love with him in the first place and I still find him attractive. The only thing is, I'm not still in love with him.

We had great conversations and I was able to relax during my vacation. This was in the small town of Taft, CA. We went to Bakersfield on Saturday for entertainment.

I know a lot more facts about him. Maybe a year or two ago, he stated that I didn't know him. After this weekend, I am convinced that I know (and have known) him, I just didn't know some major facts about how his life has gone.


It was sad to be reminded of how much I've changed. Looking back to the person I was three years ago and the paths I've taken since then, I'm so different, I almost don't know that person anymore. That person had their life so well put-together, it's crazy. She could have gotten married and become a stay-at-home Mom quite easily. I think some of the things that happened instead were really big learning experiences, but I think I would've managed without them or gotten them another way.

I miss being in love. It's so invigorating to have that, even being in love with someone who doesn't respond--the heartbroken form of being in love. Emotionally, I am a little lost without a best friend at the least.

EDIT: I think some of the ways I've changed for the better are that I'm way more understanding of things and more open to other lifestyles. 3 years ago, you couldn't pay me to live anywhere besides the south in a long-term situation. Now I don't know if I'll ever go back-I'm that much more tolerant of other places now. I'm not as set in my decisions and will do just about anything, as long as you can defend your case instead of me just rejecting the idea out of hand. That also goes for getting along with different personalities and beliefs.

Dating

I think the scariest thing I can do at this point in my life is to go on a date with someone who obviously likes me and is nice to me.

Kind of resonating with back when I went on a date with Atlas. How completely FREAKED I was because it was an actual date and I had fun.

Going on a terrible date? Not a big deal. Did it on Saturday and finally have a story to tell when ppl ask for awkward date stories.

Tonight? Not too much there on the calmness front. It's so much easier to deal with people who are as closed off as I think that I am, dating-wise.

It's crazy

I love people so easily. It's a little incredible how much that trait was not beaten out of me. Maybe it was even fostered by my knowledge of how valuable a friend can be. Short story is, someone I am good friends with and especially if I talk to them frequently, I would do just about anything for.

I love someone in a non-romantic way and it made me stop short when they sent me a text today and I was like, "I really love this person" and then I was like... "What?" before I realized that I love them for being them and someone to talk to, not for any romance or possibility thereof.

Still... it still stops me in my tracks when I see myself loving people that easily.

Carpenters - Close to You

Music to illustrate my feelings

The Test - Janice Kapp Perry

Depression's been flaring up again this last week or two. It's been pretty bad.

So Sick - Ne-Yo
[doesn't quite match up, but I do love this song so much]

I am so sick. So sick of work. So sick of stress. So sick of work. So sick of drama. So sick of work. So sick of navigating tricky social situations. Sick of work. Did I mention that I'm tired of my job?

Can't Sleep

Before this year, I never had any trouble sleeping. Sure, there was a night here and there, but that was it.

2 months after getting into my last long-term relationship (we dated 4 months), I stopped being able to reliably relax for sleep. That lasted for the rest of our relationship while I was miserable and didn't acknowledge it. It appears that for whatever reason, that situation has flared up again.

I never really had sympathy for insomniacs before b/c I never had any trouble at all getting to sleep for 2 days in a row. I don't know if my situation is similar now and with more understanding, I feel sympathy for insomniacs even though it might still be a different situation. My new situation is that I'm just too stressed and I dread going to sleep. I just stay awake until my body just collapses.

Today my body said that it had had enough. When I woke up this morning, I was immediately grumpy and hating everything (I'd only gotten 4-5 hours of sleep). I can't stand it when ppl touch my stuff. I've been trying to be understanding and sharing, but when my laptop is borrowed several times a day, it wears on me. So, first thing this morning, I was hit with a pet peeve. I was so angry about being woken up for that. During sacrament, I kept constantly praying for my heart to soften b/c I was still so on-edge and on the verge of just walking out and going home. In Relief Society, sitting in the back just before it started, I started to cry. There wasn't really a reason in particular for this. Just tears started to flow. It was only then that I realized that I was on my insane emotional rollercoaster trip that I go on when I get too little sleep for too long.

I threw up a couple hours later. I didn't feel better in any way except for the fact that I didn't have to fight down the queasiness anymore. My face is freaky looking when all the blood has drained out of it, btw. WAY too white...

This post is for me to get all this out and so hopefully I can get to sleep and avoid this situation happening again too soon.


Work is killing me. I think I might start misbehaving on the phones if this goes on much longer. I know I'm not supposed to take idiots and rude ppl personally, and I don't do it consciously, but apparently I do because the nice ppl who are respectful or joke around with me are so good, but what sticks with me are those one or two calls where the person calls me a liar or says I'm the worst person ever.

I think this job is making me more polarized with my feelings about phone use. I now never voluntarily call someone unless timing is important or someone left me a voicemail after I couldn't bring myself to answer--even then, sometimes it takes me days to call back. Previously, I simply preferred texting. Now, phone calls are like pulling teeth.

P.S. - It's kinda funny when you post a downer post like this one and when you click "Publish Post", it's so excited that it says "Your blog post published successfully!" and gives the link right there to "View Post"

Rachel, this is for you

You can stop complaining about my lack of posts now =P

Arms - Christina Perri
kind of a boring music video, but I love the lyrics

fin.

Official acknowledgement

So you know those 15 lbs I've been trying to lose for the last year that I gained while being a couch potato while living in Columbia with my married roommates? I couldn't lose them and couldn't lose them and it frustrated me to no end b/c I naturally have a very fast metabolism and I don't need to worry about things like this. It felt like the one thing my body was good at, it decided to be dumb at that too.

Biking to the chiropractor and then to and from work has made a huge difference. I can run around again without getting winded. Someone today at work told me that I need to get better-fitting pants b/c the pair I was wearing was too big. It was nice b/c I bought that pair b/c I was too big for my normal jeans. I weighed myself today and now I'm at the heavier part of my natural variance that I've had since High School.

I've missed that a lot. It wasn't changing my diet, not really. Doing enough exercise made me naturally want the healthier foods, like grapes and such. Also, I continued to eat the same amount of food, it's just that my body was burning the calories again. Something I read somewhere is that if you are a grazer instead of 2 or 3 really big meals a day, it helps to speed up your metabolism (which is probably why I've never had trouble before). Heidi did a lot of research on how to have self-control with food, and I was always interested, because that's what I do, but what has helped me the most is to have exercise built into my schedule and having no way to get out of it.

It's 7 miles between work and my apartment. I still haven't been brave enough to bike uphill the whole way, but I've biked up to my chiropractor (almost 3 miles) and then gone up to the bus stop to take the bus up to work. I do bike home, though. I don't care that it's mostly downhill. There's no way to be on a bike for 7 miles and not get any exercise in.

Why is it that when times get tough, the only person I want to see is Tod?

Tonight I witnessed my power as a female to mind-control a male. It was quite disconcerting.

Weekends are for partying!

last night I went to a friend's birthday party that was supposed to be a bonfire, but it had been raining all day and the bonfire didn't happen, which was sad b/c that was one of my main reasons for going (of course). A little after eleven, we got kicked out of the host's house, so a smaller group of us decided to party on at another house. It was pretty fun. I got a skull drawn on my arm with a red sharpie. It mostly got washed off in my shower today, though. That was a little sad.
The main point is that I didn't get home till after 4am... I was awake for about an hour this morning and then I went back to bed and slept the day away. I loved being awake during my favorite times of day and catching up on sleep during my least favorite time of day.

Tonight I'm going on another date. I am so excited! I love how he treats me. We're slowly getting to know each other better (and I am liking him more and more).

I accidentally went on a date on Friday night and it was the most fun I've had in a long time.

I saw him again last night (b/c he had a motorcycle for the day and it is my policy to never let that opportunity pass w/o asking for a ride).

I had no idea anyone could be that nice to me, much less make me feel like the most special person he's ever met. I wish I could be more like that to my friends.

I keep bingeing on songs...

I heard this song for the first time about a year ago: Part of the List by Ne-Yo

I almost cried the first time I heard it--all I could think of was my broken heart.

Now, a year later, I still have that lingering feeling of sadness & tenderness, but now it's more of a wanting to find someone who will feel that way about me & me about them.

I've been semi-frequenting this site I found through facebook (beautyredefined.net) and I like what it gets me thinking about. However, I hadn't noticed how much reading the posts has affected me until I started watching some music videos today...

I love Trace Adkins. He puts out such rambunctious and funny songs, but as I was watching some of his music videos and I noticed some things I never had before--in some, the only reason that the females are desirable is because they were sexual objects. I still love his music, though. So much.

recommended music video:
Swing (cracks me up, so much)

(not the official music video)
One Hot Mama
This Ain't No Love Song

I just love him so much.

Some other random favorite country songs:
Must Be Doin' Somethin' Right - Billy Currington
She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy - Kenny Chesney
You and Tequila - Kenny Chesney & Grace Potter

Brad Paisley
Whiskey Lullaby
She's Everything
Little Moments
I'm Gonna Miss Her
Blake Shelton
Ol' Red
Some Beach
Josh Turner
Would You Go With Me
Your Man
Firecracker
Why Don't We Just Dance

I feel a bit embarrassed about my last post... I think I'll leave it up, though. For myself more than anyone else.

I was finally feeling like life was looking up yesterday, but today I'm simply angry.

I hate hate HATE rollercoasters. Mostly the emotional ones, but you'd have to pay me about $500 to actually get on one at a carnival or anywhere else, for that matter

Meltdown time (and exhaustive detail for what led up to it)

Around Friday everything started going downhill. Well, I actually started getting genuinely sick on Thursday at work, so I guess it started then--I remember now, I smashed my left middle and ring finger in a spring loaded window right in the middle of being chewed out on top of being sick and headache-y. I already had a lot of stress built up from conflict that was just refusing to get resolved and so on.

Friday when I had off work, I ran a bunch of errands that I thought would be really fun and ended up being way more stressful and longer than expected (and no A/C in the truck). I eventually got everything straightened out in time to be ready to go to the temple for Becky's wedding.

Everything was going fine and everybody loved my dress and we had fun on the way to the temple.

I had asked my brother to at least wear a button-down shirt for waiting in the temple and pictures. He was really upset about that. While waiting for my sister (the one getting married!) to get ready for the ceremony, we were all just waiting in the visitor area and I was talking to two sisters who were sitting and one told me that I looked pregnant and the other said it was the "in a relationship too long" weight (even though I've been trying to get rid of those 20 lbs for about a year now). After that, they told me my toenail polish was crooked and I was then asked why my hair was up in a bun. After I had wandered off from that conversation, I saw one of my brothers had come inside and he was even wearing a tie--I went to say thanks for changing by hugging him, and he almost hit me and told me that he felt evil and that the social pressure was killing him--I was surprised he even came if it was that hard, this is the first time I've even been at the temple for one of the siblings to get married. After that I just went outside and walked around the temple and cried a little. The spirit didn't really come back after that and I was shy of him for the rest of the trip.

The bride was radiant. The couple was so cute and happy, just like they should be. We took pictures and headed home and by that point, my brain felt like it was probably 10 lbs. I took the truck I'd been borrowing for this trip home and went home to take a nap. I ended up being late for the reception, but it was worth it b/c I wasn't feeling completely wretched--just mostly. I ate food and said hi to random family members. My old roommates from back in Cola were there and I wanted so badly to say hi to the guy and see if D&D's still going on and to ask how his brother's doing, but the wife was there and I don't think she wanted to talk to me, b/c they left soon after I got there (I found out later that she blocked me on fb). It was fun to talk to my uncles or even just listen to them, but I could only take so much, and my headache was back, so I decided when the music got turned up for the general dancing, I'd just leave. I hugged the bride and told her congratulations and watched the daddy-daughter and the mother-son dances (they were super-adorable) and then slipped out and went home to go to bed.

Saturday:
I had been planning on going to FL to help my new mom with her move, but I was not up to it, so Dad told me to stay home, which was a good thing, b/c I stayed in bed in and out of sleep til 5pm. I then went to the big house to hang out with all the immediate family that had come to town for the wedding and realized that we are ALL cruel to each other with the exception of one but someone else made up for it in their biting remarks and martyrdom. Seeing it all in one place when I was already so low just crushed me and I ended up leaving sooner than planned. Then I called my boyfriend on my way home--I mostly felt harshly judged during that conversation. I finally made it home and allowed my mind to go into its semi-comatose state the way it usually does when I get too stressed and tried to sleep.

Sunday:
I went to Sacrament and went home after that. Most of it was because I was sick, but the rest was because my wish to not have mom force another hug on me or ppl talk to me that I didn't have the energy to talk to.

Monday:
I finally broke up with my boyfriend. The rest of the day sucked.

Tuesday:
I finally gave myself some time to cry over a relationship that didn't work out and this whole messy weekend

Wednesday:
Found out my flight was for Aug 2 and I had missed my flight by a whole day. I finally started to lose it while talking to the Ticketing Assistance ppl with their 1-800 number and trying to get a new ticket.
And now I'm in the airport and can't get a hold of myself for anything, no matter how many strangers walk by

Today was a really really hard day with the occasional bright spot like my youngest sister being a sweetheart or just being happy for how happy my sister and her fiancee are to be getting/have gotten married today

I soothe myself using the ocean

On Monday, I went to the beach with my younger siblings and my soon-to-be stepbrother. My brother and I went further into the ocean to just play in the waves.

best picture I took of just the ocean

Remembering the sound of the surf, how the ocean gently held me up in each wave that didn't crest and even some that did, and even just watching the waves come rolling in while standing or sitting on the beach. Screaming in feigned fear when a giant wave was coming towards me and hoping that it wouldn't knock me over and get salt in my throat also had its individual charm. It was a safe environment that I knew and have loved all my life. The longer I was at the ocean, the less pain I seemed to have, mentally and physically. I don't know how I survive without it.

I heard this song for the first time this week. This is why I miss having the radio & knowing which stations I like. I am learning what works in Utah, but it takes a long time to learn the good ones especially when you're using a non-digital radio anywhere you haven't grown up.

Anyways, here's the link:
How to Love - Lil Wayne
(the font is annoying, but I think it's a cute song, despite the repetition)

My apartment is way grosser than I realized. I'm starting to look at craigslist again to see what they've got... The owner won't spray for bugs. Every day that I'm home, I see at least one bug, usually more. How could the previous tenants stand living in their squalor???

If they keeps treating me like this, I just won't sign a new contract. I'll live there for this month and next and then leave.

It's true

I am worn down. So much of my time has been taken up by hanging out with people that by the time I get home at night, I'm too tired to do anything. I still haven't cleaned the apartment, and that was something I wanted to do before I moved all my stuff over here. I haven't even gone grocery shopping!

That's it. Tomorrow's my me day to take care of all the things I've been letting slide. I can only take care of others when I am in a good place. Last night (technically two nights ago, when I wrote that blog & edited it), I was in a horrible place. If I'm going to get out of it, and I definitely intend to, I am going to:

• catch up on sleep
• find a way to wash the floor
• go grocery shopping
• dust the blinds & wipe out the cabinets
• move the furniture how I want
• Do a DAMAGE REPORT for this apartment! I got that almost a week ago!
• go to the chiropractor and NOT get distracted in Orem
• talk to my adopted uncle about buying one of the bikes on his front porch for cheap
• maybe treat myself to food I didn't have to prepare

optional:

• listen to conference
• explore my surroundings (ex. figure out bus stops & which stores are best, maybe find a nearby park to lay in)
• go swimming at a friend's apartment complex's pool (doesn't really matter whose, just as long as I can do it)
  
• catch up with my family & friends back home
• etc etc etc

Maybe I need more than one day to myself...

It comes and goes in waves

So for this past week, I've been fighting another bout of depression. The first day of it was the worst and I'm almost back to equilibrium. Almost isn't enough, though. It's hard =( It's so difficult to keep going when all I want is to come to a full stop.

Draft from when my depression first hit this time (early thursday):
"Sometimes I hate myself. In an earlier post, I said that I don't self-injure. I realize the truth of it now: I don't injure myself physically. When I get in a mood like this, I want to remember every hateful thing said to me and every imperfect response I ever had. I want to sink into a cocoon of sadness and not be bothered by anything ever again."

So, comparing, you can see how much I've improved over the past few days... It still sucks, though.


EDIT: nevermind about feeling better... When you've been trying your hardest to improve and even though you know how much progress you've made--you get a reminder that metaphorically going from prehistoric times to the late middle ages means so little when everybody else is in the age of technology or at least acting like they are...

Late Father's Day post

Let me just preface with this:
My dad is not perfect. I know that. I didn't truly feel like his daughter until I graduated high school and started working for him, but when that happened, I really knew that he loved me.

See our awesome farmer's tans?

It was just such a truly wonderful experience to know that he was proud of me and wanted his colleagues to know that I was HIS daughter.



I think now that he's the sole parent in the house with kids, he's much more proactive about being a Dad and that makes me happy for the younger kids.

We LOVE crazy faces

There are random bits from my childhood of things that I loved. He wanted someone to go with him to the gas station, so I would go and he would get me strawberry milk and we would just talk. I used to be obsessed with driving, so when he would use the driving mower to take care of the yard, I would sit in his lap while he just mowed the lawn and I loved every second of it.

he DOES fit in Nathan's game bag XD

Not many fathers would take their kids out waterskiing with them, but mine did. It was the best feeling ever. I would be in his arms when he got up, and then I would stand on his skis and hold the handle with him. I loved having my bare feet on the skis and the warm water splashing me as we skiied along

No hands!

It used to be that every single Sunday, he would make banana pancakes for everybody and they were totally delicious.

My birthday cake

He is competitive, though. Once he took me to play putt-putt and it was so boring because we kept score and he totally owned me. After that I swore to never follow the rules or keep score when playing putt-putt. It became much more fun after that...

I don't know how he was for this trip...

The thing is, he took just me with him to Columbia to play and he took out of his own personal time, and I know how exhausting construction can be. It means a lot that he would do that.

He is simply the SWEETEST man I know. I've got pretty amazing uncles and other fathers in my life, but he is the only father for me and I love my dad.

Don't Tell Anyone, But...

...we are so in love. I adore this guy

a couple days after we said that we loved each other

Current issues

Apartment hunting is something I can only do in spurts. There's so many choices for what to live in for the summer that it's very difficult to narrow down and just when I think I've hit the jackpot, I find the small print... It's just not that fun. Neither is job hunting. Job hunting is gross because there's not that much out there, so it's more of a suck it up and do whatever's out there, whether or not you like it.

I should probably go grocery shopping, but I'm too lazy. I've cleaned my room & the main apartment areas and that was fun. It's strange how happy cleaning gets me...

Neuroticism Again--Skip if you don't like that sort of thing

I don't know if it's progress or the worst relapse ever, but when I think about Mom, I feel nothing. Not anger, not sadness, not even a "what can you do" sort of amusement. It's like everything stops in my brain when the woman who gave birth to me comes up in conversation.

My psychologically abusive ex-mom doesn't even share any part of my name with me since the divorce and her name officially changed back. Maybe she just doesn't exist in my mind at all anymore. I know the concept of a Mom and I know that I didn't have the ideal childhood, but as far as having a Mom? Nothing.


Even though I got to this other subject through quite a different manner, it's still close enough that it belongs in the same blog post:
When I am hurt, I never seem to feel the need to punish myself physically. There's usually one of two options: 1-retreat so far into myself that it doesn't matter anymore or 2-lash out at people. I can usually stop from doing option 2 because the people around to lash out at have nothing to do with why I am hurting and would probably do whatever it is in their power to fix it. 1 is tougher because it's such a default to build a shell around myself and hide behind it especially if that's all I want to do.

I'm very effective when lashing out at people. I know what to say that will hurt. I know how to say it. I know what inflection to use and what expression to have on my face. I realize this about myself. As a result, I work really hard to keep from doing this because of the reasons stated in the previous paragraph and that I usually regret being so mean later on

Acceptance

I have decided to let Utah into my heart. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal unless you know how big of a deal it was in fall 2007-fall 2008.

An hour walk as the sun is setting and the temperature is perfect and you can hear and feel an almost constant gentle breeze seems to be what it takes to make me decide to let Utah be my California and start actively learning about it and the layout

almost home. see the mountain?

All Smiles

Today I was looking through pictures from when we first met til now. Something I noticed is how we both gradually started to be generally smilier and smilier in pictures

These are my favorites from the past 4 months:

March 16--St. Patty's Day
we became official the day before on a Wednesday

before Maryland--first weekend of April

hanging out with Gary


Finals week

My birthday--May 12

yesterday

This trip has been a blast, for the most part. I love my sisters, I love being in the South, I love my Aunts and my friends and I've been so happy seeing them and being able to visit with them.

Today was court, though. Mom got 57% plus alimony. She also got a chunk of the money from the college and mission fund that the kids had earned (Dad's side company that we'd all worked for). I spent a lot of today trying to think of how to make her realize how far past the line she'd gone. Only now am I starting to feel that crushed feeling that always happens when that woman's life brushes mine.

It was a great birthday--had lots of fun, took pictures. More later

Going to SC tomorrow! (but more like today...)

Ex-boyfriends

I saw Tod while I was in Califoria this past week. Interesting thing is that I'm finally over him. There were no twinges or wanting extra hugs. I didn't even feel the desire to hurt him or make him jealous. I think now that my romantic feelings are gone, I might be capable of just being friends with him. Despite not having any desire to make him jealous or pay him back for any wrongs in the past, I definitely still wanted to harass him. It was fun!

He hates pictures

On a somewhat related note, I keep getting to know Justin better and better and vice versa. I've been letting my guard down more and more in an almost unprecedented speed--granted, that's still much slower than the average, but it's huge progress for me. Even though I'm pretty sure you can, I'm going to say you can't even IMAGINE how much fun we have all the time. XD

Ridiculousness is our forte

I am so much happier and cheerful now. I am so content. Some of it probably has to do with not being in as much pain, but a lot of it probably has to do with knowing that I am cared about and am acutely missed while I am gone on vacation to places like California--when I got back, Justin hung out with me for most of the day and didn't want to stop cuddling with me. It was so nice.

Traveling

Finals are over and I finally have time to breathe and do other things besides study and hang out with the people who are capable of harassing me (get in my face about hanging out--not a bad thing).

I am in California! Today's my bro-in-law's birthday and I'm just excited to be here until Monday. The weather here is SO much better than in Utah. It's supposed to pass 80 on Sunday here, while in Provo, it's possible there will be MORE snow showers on Friday.

So far I've only seen my bro-in-law his next younger sister of that family (and she looks really good--her diet & workout schedule seems to be working, I should probably get the details of it) so far. I am pretty sure I'll see the 2nd oldest today, as she'll be making my bro-in-law's cake XD

SC in 2 1/2 weeks!

much has happened

So I'm now dating this guy. He's so much fun and cracks me up always. He's also a wonderful blend of extroversion and understanding so that I'm able to be more sociable than not, helping me not be so hermit-like all the time and understands when I just need to be around one or two people at the max.
I'm meeting all kinds of new people. That hasn't happened in quite a while. Pretty much all his friends I've met so far have been pretty amazing.

My body has gone into excrutiating pain mode. It got bad enough last week that I decided I needed to see a chiropractor ASAP because I couldn't deal with the pain anymore. My shooting, acute pain in my ankles & esp. knees that is a recurring problem, my lower back in a constant kind of background pain, AND my right shoulder blade area that talks to me every time I try to use any muscles in the area. I got the results of my x-rays today. My body is almost terrifying in how bad of shape it's in.

My classes are pretty amazing and I feel like I'm learning so much. I'm taking my sister at BYU to my Wednesday class of SFL100 - Family Proclamation for our lecture on abuse. We're both excited for it and plan on taking extensive notes

This weekend, I will be in Maryland for my only girl-cousin on Dad's side's WEDDING! I'm so super-excited! I'm leaving Thursday morning on a direct flight and will be staying with my younger cousins, esp the one in marching band. He's probably my favorite. Even though they are all AMAZING on Dad's side. So much fun to be around those guys. Yes. All boys--them and some of the boy-cousins on my mom's side are probably why I'm so much happier around larger guys vs smaller & skinnier ones.

I will be headed to California at the end of the semester for about a week to have some awesome time to hang out with my sister, bro-in-law and baby niece. In May I will be in SC for 10 days for a wedding & to testify in a specific divorce court. I'm excited to stay with a friend and her dogs and see people I love.

Tomorrow/Today I am scheduled to be diagnosed w/ADHD. I am excited for that b/c University Accessibility will help me with my bad grades that happened as a result of untreated ADHD (just about all the classes I've ever taken).
Possible bad - stressful test & will probably crash my brain for the rest of the day--maybe I should donate plasma...


You might possibly be caught up now XD

ADHD

did some research today on ADHD and am now more convinced than I ever was that my depression does not, in fact, mimic ADHD but I have ADHD with depression. Had a conversation a couple nights ago about how I've always kind of wondered if I have no attention span as a result of this and the longer we talked, the more I was convinced. Apparently weird reactions to painkillers is one of the common things w/ppl who have ADHD

on the NIMH website on Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (directly quoted):

Children who have symptoms of inattention may:
[Y]Be easily distracted, miss details, forget things, and frequently switch from one activity to another
[Y]Have difficulty focusing on one thing
[Y]Become bored with a task after only a few minutes, unless they are doing something enjoyable
[Y]Have difficulty focusing attention on organizing and completing a task or learning something new
[Y]Have trouble completing or turning in homework assignments, often losing things (e.g., pencils, toys, assignments) needed to complete tasks or activities
[?]Not seem to listen when spoken to
[Y]Daydream, become easily confused, and move slowly
[Y]Have difficulty processing information as quickly and accurately as others
[~]Struggle to follow instructions.

Children who have symptoms of hyperactivity may:
[Y]Fidget and squirm in their seats
[N]Talk nonstop
[?]Dash around, touching or playing with anything and everything in sight
[Y]Have trouble sitting still during dinner, school, and story time
[Y]Be constantly in motion
[~]Have difficulty doing quiet tasks or activities.

Children who have symptoms of impulsivity may:
[Y]Be very impatient
[N]Blurt out inappropriate comments, show their emotions without restraint, and act without regard for consequences
[Y]Have difficulty waiting for things they want or waiting their turns in games
[?]Often interrupt conversations or others' activities.

(that's my response in the [] with a Y for Yes, N for No, ? for I don't know or remember and ~ for sometimes)

wow. I might be ADHD. Just a bit

woot for downers

I hate being lonely. I know it's my own fault. I freak out when people get close to me. That fact probably makes my jealousy worse, if anything.

I love to have friends who care lots about me, but I can't open up to people who I don't feel like they know me--and my definition of knowing me is a ridiculously involved process pointed out to me when having a discussion about a guy that I had a full-blown panic attack about simply because we went to the park together and it felt like a real date and, to my definition, he doesn't know me AT ALL. blech

Living life torn between wanting to be a hermit and having at least 5 really close friends is interesting. It really depends on which emotion is leading that day...

BIG news!

I got my laptop back yesterday!!! I am ridiculously excited! As soon as I catch up with homeworks etc and putting things back (they gave me a brand new hard-drive and didn't save any information--lost 2 months worth of pictures), then I will be ready to roll

Yay finally!

day 28: cruise a dictionary and pick out 10 words you like the sound of

(Sun, March 6)

you must think I'm magical to be able to carry a dictionary around with me on campus when I have the internet here

buuuuuut, just for fun, we'll see what dictionary.com has to say

...

...


I found a Quotes tab! Here's the most popular one today:

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." - Philip K. Dick

day 27: my day job vs. my passion

(Sat, March 5)

Carpentry vs therapy. oh-so-similar XD

day 26: list 10 things you are thankful for

1. My amazing roommates who got a brand-new bed for me! I'm going to see it when I get home today & I am SO excited for it!!!
2. Reading The Wise Man's Fear - Patrick Rothfuss. It's the 2nd book in the Kingkiller Chronicles and it had me from the first time I picked up The Name of the Wind and started reading the back cover
3. My LAPTOP might be back by Monday!!! YAAAAAY! I might not be a zombie anymore!
4. My sister & the joy (& food, but that's the same thing, right?) she brings to my life. We see each other every day & have lunch together
5. I now own Saturday's Warrior! What do you know? Living in Utah IS good for something XD (I actually don't mind that much this time around)
6. Cuddle buddies. It is such a wonderful thing to cuddle so much (& with someone who can do it well without being weird about it) that you aren't starved for any touch at all & don't really care that much WHO it is & can afford to be picky
7. worldwide transportation. because of it, I can travel to Maryland for my only girl-cousin on dad's side wedding! I'm completely excited about it
8. pictures. it's pretty much how I keep track of whats going on in my life at what time
9. the internet. how else would I keep track of my amazing friends and family? (and waste time looking at lolcats etc)
10. Screen tshirts. I love shirts that have something clever or fun on them. It's just pure amazing to see one that makes you laugh or someone else laughs or asks where I got it

[I want this shirt]

day 25: what would I find in your bag

[maybe even in my pockets]
I never go without:
keys
cell phone
"wallet" - change purse I use for cards, like drivers license & credit card

[purse]
stuff I like to have with me at all times:
scissors
my other change purse that I actually do use for change
candy (lately its been wintergreen lifesavers & nerds)
pens & pencils
highlighters
lotion
chapstick
[sometimes] makeup

[in my bookbag--everything previous plus the following]
because I'm a college student:
toothbrush & toothpaste
deodorant (in case I forgot on my way out the door)
water bottle
textbooks & notebooks

day 24: post your favorite quotation and why

(Today)

I have no favorite quotation.

A friend quoted Maya Angelou to help me know more about people and be more equipped to deal with them:
"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."

One that I've always believed, even before I heard it:
"A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have." -Gerald Ford, 38th president

and, a quote I don't know if it was anonymous or not, but I thought it was amusing:
"If you want someone to love you and always be excited when you're around, buy a puppy"

day 23: something you crave a lot

(Tuesday, March 1)

I crave a healthy mother figure. I've spent my life collecting them and making them my friends. So many wonderful ladies who are established in their identity who have absolutely no reason or desire to manipulate me, who have children sometimes already out of the house. They do need to be old enough to possibly be my mother, though.

The rest of you are just really good friends XD

day 22: what makes you different from everyone else

(Monday, Feb 28)

What makes me different:

From the world: I don't care that much about money. It's nice to have, so that I can travel, but I usually only care when I am dirt-poor and can't afford groceries, etc. Sometimes I just give it away to someone who can actually use it
From this campus: I don't really care about grades. I'm good at taking tests, but this semester, I haven't really been able to turn any papers in, though there were some partially/mostly finished papers (on my broken laptop)...
From well-adjusted people: Growing up with a parent like mine gives a completely different perspective on life than most people. Most people tend to think that the world is a place to stretch your wings and live your life, but I, from a very young age, thought of it as unsafe and scary
From my family: I don't actually know. I'm pretty close with most of my siblings. I am by far the most "independent" (independent meaning that I willfully do what I want, and the less people there, the better)

day 21: a picture of something that makes you happy

(Sunday, Feb 27)

I'm not particularly happy right now, but let me hunt through facebook to find something that brightens my day


I miss working construction with this guy. Insanity is so fun. Especially when I'm in a bad mood, he knows how to goof around & let me let off some steam so that I cheer up quickly

day 20: write a letter to someone

(Saturday, Feb 26)

Dear Professors,
If you could stop assigning paper after paper after paper, that would be SO helpful. With my laptop being broken, I am a zombie who cannot figure out how to write a paper at home and I am getting extremely stressed out because I feel like I have no time to write papers, while the real reason is that I can't work without my laptop and because the laptop isn't there, I can't concentrate.
I am starting to really get grumpy with myself and the world because I don't have what I need to get a decent grade in the class. Everything is piling up and all I can do is get grumpier and grumpier because my mind is in a fog.

Sincerely, a student lost without her computer,
Me

day 19: write about a sweet memory from your past

(Friday, Feb 25)

way back in early primary, I idolized one of my aunts. We got to church early quite frequently and I noticed that she came late very often. At that point, she was in the primary presidency in some way. I decided to help her by setting up all the chairs for primary. It was fun and something I could do all by myself.

Much later, she was out of primary and I had stopped doing it quite a while ago, I heard from grandma how much that aunt appreciated my service. It's a very nice memory-

day 18: plans/dreams/goals you have

(Thursday, Feb 24-supposedly)


plans I have: stay in Utah this summer, go to Jan's wedding (buy the plane ticket)

dreams: not good ones. been having this recurring bad dream lately, inspiring my desire for a very sharp, wicked-looking dagger to take with me into the dream world

goals: get married, go to the temple, help troubled teens (professionally or not)

so... broken laptop. these update things are much harder now... I promise I'll catch up at some point

Just hard when my laptop's been mailed in, roommate's laptop's charger is broken, and their sister moved out, so we have no laptops at home. Yay for campus & friends

day 17: someone you'd want to switch lives with for a day and why

It depends. Would I want to use it for good or for evil? For understanding or for pranks? Why am I limited to just one person? Presumably, if I can switch with one person, I can switch with many. Can it be a FICTIONAL character??? There are so many options!

However, if I can be ANYONE, including fictional characters, I'd want to be Eliot from Leverage. I don't have to worry about that pesky reality in my own little world, I can experience what it's like to have the greatest mastery of hand-to-hand combat with really awesome muscles AND I get to see how being a guy is different from being a girl (ex. brain processes).

I might cause some mischief, too...
(ex. cutting the signature hair)

day 16: a picture of yourself

I went with an aunt on a photoshoot last year and she took this. Isn't it fantastic?

day 15: put your iPod on shuffle and list the first 10 songs that play

I don't actually own an ipod or anything particularly similar to it, so I think I will list [10 of] my Pandora stations.

Can We Chill - Ne-Yo
Mormon Tabernacle Choir (for Sundays)
Beer for my Horses - Toby Keith
I Miss You - Blink 182
Raining on Sunday - Keith Urban
Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield
Lips of an Angel - Hinder
If You're Not the One - Daniel Bedingfield
Mannheim Steamroller (added variety with Trans-Siberian Orchestra)
Dust on the Bottle - David Lee Murphy

--> this probably means I really like country and R&B with a smattering of old and new pop music

day 14: a picture of you and your family

Here's the classic nuclear family:

But there are other people who I consider to be close family, too

As some of you know, I lived with this very awesome lady (and her family) and learned a lot

[I found a picture of all of us!]
I think of them as quite close family (plus, lived with them for a semester back in 2009)

and this lovely lady was my last roommate while I was still in South Carolina. It was one of the most fun experiences I've had

I lived with a family for about a month and during that time I fell in love with them and their chaos. These two especially.

Meet my latest roommates. Have I mentioned that I love married people? So much less pressure on me to help them feel like they have identity (btw, I despise and loathe that--please don't do that to me) because they have an identity with each other. Anyways, moved in with them and I'm looking forward to a temporary stay until I whirlwind somewhere else

Again, sorry about the sporadic posting, but, hey, at least I'm doing it?

day 13: your 5 favorite books and why

I am completely converted to this book. It helps me understand what my priorities are and how I should request things in a relationship and why others don't always want the same thing as I do.
If you haven't found out your love language, you totally should XD

(couldn't find a picture of the mangas together, so i used the movie cover)
Nausicaa is a princess who can talk to animals and throughout the manga, people recognize her as the one prophesied to save the world. She does this in a unique way and it's probably my favorite book of talking to animals (but in this case, it's mostly bugs) and crossing the world during turmoil

I read this book for the first time several years ago while I was at my grandparents house on my dad's side. I was amazed at the strategies demonstrated and cited there and how effective they would've been for me. According to my big brother, it should be read with Playful Parenting, but I haven't read that, so I'll just have to say to ask him.

The secondary main character (it's told in two perspectives) was my very first crush. It is the most adorable story of a girl learning to stand on her own and a guy learning that preconceived notions are horribly awful and nobody benefits from them at all. It's out of print, so I'm really sad about that--still planning on owning it eventually, just have to settle for a secondhand or something, I guess

The Serpent's Shadow is one of my favorites because it has magic in it. The main character doesn't know she even HAS power when she is fleeing to England--it's set back in the day where women aren't supposed to be doctors, but she's from India and has mixed heritage and she does what she sets her mind to do and becomes a private doctor there. She is powerful and gathers some help and with it, she defeats her great enemy. It's an invigorating read with tasteful & cute romance