Popularity

(wow, it's been a lot longer than I thought it would be till my next post...)

I was one unpopular kid when I was growing up. Homeschool didn't really socialize me very well at all. Eventually, in 8th grade when I joined the Marching Band, I found a place that I would just about always fit in and I was able to jump start that by being friends with Heidi's friends (who also were seniors, elevating my coolness drastically)

So now, it is WEIRD to be popular.

For example: This summer, a crazy guy proposed to me, 2 people said they'd love to have me in their family (by marrying their relative), and I also was dating someone. It was a novel experience and I was very flattered ...but it wasn't truly unsettling at that point.

Now that I've gotten a more realistic view on dating and such things, it is a whole new kettle of fish.
Case no. 1 - My psychologically abusive ex is very immature, but he's just started back with talking to me and asking for advice. I hate almost every minute of it, but I'm so bored that I listen to his problems and give advice when it's called for, so that if he gets to be a better person, so much the better.
Case no. 2 - The guy I dated this summer whom I had a temporary recent idealization of, told me today that I'm different from all the other girls he liked. Sure, when we first started dating, yeah, but it became something a little more than lust after knowing each other for a while. I have no idea how to react to that. On one hand, I'm extremely flattered, but on the other, I am very suspicious
Case no. 3 - Back in last semester, I thought I was gonna be married this summer. Now I'm just thankful that our friendship didn't get ruined by our breakup.
Case no. 4 - I had a dream with Cole how he was back when we dated, but then he changed and became the current Cole: quite sleazy and not just a little worldy. Oh, and over Christmas break, he told me that he wouldn't mind trusting me with his life.
Case no. 5 - My flirting buddy at BYU who also happens to be Japanese (I originally met him b/c he was our class TA) has randomly sent me texts or fb chat messages to tell me that he misses me and when he goes to Sacramento to visit family, can he come see me. I have a feeling that he's just a little more serious than he used to be when all we did was just randomly extol the virtues of the other and give each other virtual hugs and such.
Case no. 6 - Sort of off-subject, but whatever: I've been watching an anime lately (One Piece) and there's a chat thing beside the video, so I figured, "Why not?" and started talking on it as sentoryuu42 (don't worry, there's not a real pic of me--just an anime character). The virtual food and hugs as byproducts of noncommittal flirting are really fun. On the whole, it's a pretty fun chat room. I love being called sentory for short on there...

I'm flattered, but I don't think I like it... It makes me nervous. Too much history of short-lived happinesses, I guess.

On the other hand, I am dying to know what on earth makes me so special and different. Is it my particular way of doing things? Am I just true-life where others aren't? Or is it my zany personality? Or confidence?
The questions keep going on and on along that same line of thought... It feels like a masochistic fascination, though, because I feel like if I ask the guys why they feel like that, then it'll be interpreted as acceptance of their feelings and they'll think that I want to date.

I don't really expect you guys to know why this phenomenon is happening, but my curiosity is nigh unbearable right now. I just had to write something about it =)

How far for a friend?

Holy wow I miss my friends from back home.

I wish I could be around my friends in South Carolina. Especially the guy who was my best friend for my first year at BYU because he was an insomniac and I was terminally homesick. Talking to him last night was absolutely heartbreaking because his life has deviated so far from where he was in high school and he was drunk as a skunk. When I wasn't heartbroken, I was wanting to roundhouse kick him and hopefully that would knock some sense into him.

I wish I could save people from making mistakes. I want it so bad.

I feel alone out here. I feel unnecessary and like I'm needed elsewhere, like South Carolina, where one of my friends is floundering in self-pity.


I think that one of my worst qualities is a willingness to do too much for a friend to the point that I make sacrifices that cut into my personal well-being. I also occasionally expect the same in return and am a little hurt when it doesn't happen. That corollary doesn't really effect me much, though. I don't usually expect of others what I expect of myself. Anyways, I wish that I wasn't tempted to do anything suggested or whatever comes to mind when I see a friend in need. Hurting myself when trying to help a friend is detrimental and only moves the pain instead of alleviating it. Or... alleviating it in one person and shifting it to myself. Dame (DAH-may) desu nee? (Bad situation, huh?)

Dame = bad, no good, useless, helpless


Oyasumi nasai! (goodnight)
...even though it's morning for just about all my readers - ohayoo gozaimasu (good morning)

My ideal pet

I have wanted a dog. Part of my most well-fleshed out fantasy for the future is to be able to buy myself a trailer home or something in a rural area with few neighbors and to get a dog who is devoted to me and will be a good companion and protector.


Isn't it beautiful? Rottweilers get a bad name because so many people neglect and abuse them so that the dog will become the epitome of a violent and effective guard dog. They are bred to have a strong protective instinct, and can be very loving and capable of being around general public if their puppy years are gone about correctly and the dog is properly socialized and loved.

A loyal dog to lavish my attentions on is kinda one of my fantasies that I entertain now and again.