Trusting Myself

I have a habit of listening only to other's advice and ignoring my true feelings for a very long time. I had them, but never acted on them.

I was told not to do Marching Band, but I'm sure it would've added a lot to my college experience. I went to BYU for a year and a half and never once went to any of the games. No, that's a lie, I went to BYU vs USC in tennis for extra credit. Even though I cheered for the gamecocks

I took a student development - study skills class. Somewhere in the middle of the semester or earlier, we took a learning styles test. We were sorted into 4 slices of a pie chart. One side (which was apparently the ideal) was of the analytical minds of ppl who have to control every single thing with their 6-figure salary and on the complete other were the artists and people who were in touch with colors and aesthetics who made absolutely no money. Then the teacher proceeded to tell us how we should nurture all of our personality traits in the six figure salary personality area. I should've been able to get a hint from this--it OFFENDED me that I was supposed to adopt those study skills.

Again, I ignored my feelings while approaching the second semester because I was lazy and didn't know how to stand up for myself yet--I stayed in Wyview Park with my two roommates who weren't really good at being friendly towards me.


However, I was told in no uncertain terms that I was supposed to go to BYU while I was praying about it in my Junior year. I submitted an early application and didn't worry about it at all. It's true, I was very homesick for the culture that I left behind, but I learned that I could go shopping without doing an hour's worth of work, learned karate, and I met Tod.

Away from Mom
It was liberating to make my own decisions about what I would do and what I wouldn't. My nicer roommate would laugh about stuff that I was discovering, like the fact that I could go to the mall when I wanted to or that I could stay out as late as I desired.
Karate
Talk about stress relievers! It was the best form of self defense that I've ever seen. This style of karate fit me almost like a glove. I built up strength and confidence, and best of all, I was allowed to kick and punch a thick pad held by my instructor and was able to get all kinds of technique fine-tuning. We talked about different kinds of situations and how to handle them. Also, I loved getting to know our instructor. Getting to know someone so very nice and gentle who knew how to destroy a person was very comforting... Heh
Tod
I am convinced that we were supposed to meet each other. I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father knew that I wasn't University material. In my need to escape my roommates, I ended up spending a lot of time at as many alternatives to home as I could think of: At first it was Heidi & John's house, but then I branched out a little to one of my friends from my dance class's apartment, and then I got to know Tod and the Hunts better and tried to hang out with them for as late as possible, which got pretty late, b/c while I was at the Hunt's, I didn't have to catch the bus, Tod would give me a ride home. Tod sort of learned initiative and I was able to finally get over Cole. I went home for the summer and accidentally made Tod think we were still dating. When I came back, I found out what love feels like. Tod felt the desire to finally get out of debt and start preparations for when he finally got a family of his own.
The reason for this is that as soon as I found out that I was in love with Tod, I didn't really feel the need to continue at BYU anymore, and after Tod left, homesickness was much worse, and it was increasingly difficult to go to class.
For Tod--he went to Utah for Mary and Drew's wedding almost exactly two years ago and didn't get the clear from Heavenly Father to leave until fall of 2008 after he got some self-confidence and ready to face his past.


In my two years since leaving home, I have learned that there is a point to saving money, I can be responsible for myself, I am over Cole and have learned what love is, I learned that there is no way I could survive happily outside of the south, I am in no way University material, I love my brother-in-law, John, and how he treats Heidi, I like being fit, and manual labor suits me.

One of my friends called the other day and while we were catching up, he recommended that I go to a Technical college and major in plumbing. He makes me laugh. ...even though that suits me a lot better than any university major I looked at.


In other words--I had to do my growing up somewhere, might as well do it somewhere that it would do some good

not wanting to change and fit in

The more time I spend away from the South, the less I want to invest anything anywhere else. With Utah, there was no chance I'd stay, but California... is similar in ways that remind me of the subtle difference and make me want to go home as fast as I can so that I can date comfortably b/c I know that whoever's there probably won't mind still living in the South or at least somewhere in the east coast. Making friends, even. I don't really want ties to California. I want to go east and stay there

...and getting my accent back would be absolutely fantastic

TEA Party

T.E.A. - Taxed Enough Already

So I went to the Sacramento Tea Party the other day. On the most part, they didn't say much (lots of repeating and reemphasizing previous points), but what they did say, I was excited about. Some of the signs were pretty clever, too. My favorite:

(Help me, Mr Obama, they want me to work and stuff)

I absolutely loved it! A lot of things that they said made me want to do research of my own and form my own opinion. The main point was that the government is far too large and our taxes are ridiculous. Another sign that I liked but unfortunately don't have a picture for said this: "The government with the power to give you everything you want also has the power to take everything you have." I don't know how other people felt growing up, but when I learned about the Civil War (or the "American Revolution" in 1776, for that matter), I considered the feasibility of rebellions in this day and age. I realized that if the government owns everything, then you need to have your own farmland to support yourself. There are so many insidious ways that the government has control over whether we rebel or not (completely my opinion, that wasn't said at the rally). When I went to the rally and heard others speaking about how we were heading towards socialism and realized that my random opinions weren't isolated things, it was pretty cool.

I was unaware that President Obama said that our constitution "is fundamentally flawed." I was incredibly upset to find out that those words came from the man supposed to be leading our country. Leading it where? ...Change.

Thomas Jefferson's quote of "The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not" showed up on not a few protest signs.

This guy spoke and he's a conservative Republican. I really really liked the stuff that he said. Go to his site and watch his first couple videos. Watch out, he's really passionate about his views.
http://www.youtube.com/user/machosauceproduction
That is, if you want to. I just liked him 'cause he was funny and interesting.

What I got from conference:

Job had it worse than us
I am my own version of a GPS =)
Temples are great places to be

and

the apocalypse is coming soon. I know it ;)


Btw, conference was amazing. I love our prophet--Thomas S. Monson is super-cool and I feel so loved when he speaks

I think about Tod too much

I'll be taking a brief sabbatical... =)

I have an idea for a project

Basically, I'm tired of complaining when it feels like bragging, like "something this bad happened to me and I lived through it!" Ugh.

So I want to write down all my memories and reactions and whatever else I've got rattling around in my brain and make it into some kind of a novelette. I think I'll decide on whether or not to let people read it afterwards. It's mostly for my benefit. I think it's a pretty terrible predicament to not even have a good idea of my characteristics. I know outward things, like I act ADD and have a couple OCD tendencies, but I feel like I have no idea about my deeper characteristics, like, am I a vicious person in my core? or am I a sweetheart? Both characteristics have shown up, and I have a tendency towards believing that I'm sweet, but I haven't ever made a self-evaluation, and I think that now's the perfect time because I have no job and I'm also not going to school, so I have absolutely nothing else on the schedule.

EDIT: It's more of the why's of my personality that I am fuzzy with. Using my therapy from last semester, I know that it helps a ton with controlling my mood to know why I am feeling my emotions. I guess what I'm saying is that I feel the need to understand the whys of my emotions and, after that, to change for the better