Today was a really really hard day with the occasional bright spot like my youngest sister being a sweetheart or just being happy for how happy my sister and her fiancee are to be getting/have gotten married today

I soothe myself using the ocean

On Monday, I went to the beach with my younger siblings and my soon-to-be stepbrother. My brother and I went further into the ocean to just play in the waves.

best picture I took of just the ocean

Remembering the sound of the surf, how the ocean gently held me up in each wave that didn't crest and even some that did, and even just watching the waves come rolling in while standing or sitting on the beach. Screaming in feigned fear when a giant wave was coming towards me and hoping that it wouldn't knock me over and get salt in my throat also had its individual charm. It was a safe environment that I knew and have loved all my life. The longer I was at the ocean, the less pain I seemed to have, mentally and physically. I don't know how I survive without it.

I heard this song for the first time this week. This is why I miss having the radio & knowing which stations I like. I am learning what works in Utah, but it takes a long time to learn the good ones especially when you're using a non-digital radio anywhere you haven't grown up.

Anyways, here's the link:
How to Love - Lil Wayne
(the font is annoying, but I think it's a cute song, despite the repetition)

My apartment is way grosser than I realized. I'm starting to look at craigslist again to see what they've got... The owner won't spray for bugs. Every day that I'm home, I see at least one bug, usually more. How could the previous tenants stand living in their squalor???

If they keeps treating me like this, I just won't sign a new contract. I'll live there for this month and next and then leave.