Martin Harris

I think I understand Martin Harris's story a lot better now. How happy he must have been when he finally got a yes answer after bugging HF so much in answer to his wanting to show his wife the manuscript. His devastation when he realized HF had a good reason for saying no and that he needed to put his trust in HF instead of the world.

When Heavenly Father said I was in love with Tod, I didn't know how to react. I pretty much said, "Forget you" and did what I wanted, which was to date random ppl. For a while, it was good. Then everything about Richard pounded home the fact that he was not the right one for me, and the only person I knew who even came close to touching that was Tod. On Thursday, I finally broke down and said to HF that I didn't know what to do. I despised and still despise that feeling of comfort that I got... Like I'm not supposed to have a plan or know what comes next. Not being in control is something I hate. If anybody tries to tell me that HF doesn't believe in tough love, I am laughing in their face

But seriously? What do I do? Run around like a chicken with its head cut off or just sit back and relax? No guidance even on that? I am bad at just sitting back and waiting! I have to DO something. I want to figure things out and have them stay that way. I want something that will always work, not something fickle, like the average (or un-average) life

=D

I guess Heavenly Father knew what he was doing, after all. Getting me to acknowledge that I was still in love with Tod helped me be able to get over him--also, when I called Tod to talk, he never admitted to liking me or wanting to in the future. I can think about Tod and not feel the maelstrom of feelings I'd become used to. FREEDOM!

Heeheehee. Richard is a very sweet guy. We held hands just about all day yesterday.

Being Giddy

So that motorcyclist Home Teacher I mentioned a blog or two ago? We went on another date last night. He came to Lugoff and we rode around on his motorcycle. Ended up in Camden at the Rectory Square park. We went and swung on the swings and had fun in general, ended up leaving when some other ppl showed up. Then we went back to the house, but the kids weren't securely in bed yet, so we had to be boring, so Richard and I went outside to look at the stars (it was really clear and there were a lot more out than ppl usually see). Then we watched Live Free or Die Hard with Aunt Lisa & Uncle Bob! It was a great movie - Aunt Lisa & Richard hadn't seen it before. After the movie, Uncle Bob went to bed and we went into the kitchen and talked to Aunt Lisa for a bit, so we went outside around 11:30 and just talked for a long time. I hadn't been out there too long, maybe around midnight or before, when it was just really cold and we ended up hugging to try and keep warm =D. We just talked about anything and everything that popped into our heads. When we looked at the clock again, it was 2! We couldn't believe it. So we kind of started to say goodbye and that yes, he was procrastinating because it was FREEZING, and riding a motorcycle w/o gloves on would just be miserably cold. Also, we were both a bit reluctant to say goodnight. His motorcycle is also apparently the kind you have to warm up before driving, too. So we didn't really mind turning it on and waiting for it to warm up quietly. However, neither of us could believe when we admitted the bike was warm and we looked at the clock again and it was 3am. Someone was messing with time's passage last night... Tricky tricky

I'm seeing him again tonight. We're going to the Voice Male concert and he's driving me to Becky's apartment. I have this crazy little grin on my face today and it's refusing to go away =D

EDIT: We held hands, and after the concert, we went on a mission to find food with Amber & Jason (Sonic) and afterwards, went to Wal-Mart to warm up and hang out for a bit longer. When he dropped me off at Katie & Becky's apartment, Katie noticed and pointed out after he left that he looked really really happy =)

Preparation

I set up an appointment to talk to my bishop before church on Sunday (finally). I'm excited, but don't know what I'll say. All I know is that I know that I want to prepare for the next step in my life, be it a mission or marriage or something else. Maybe college again, but I cringe at that particular thought.

So, I'd like to get as much advice from as many sources as possible. What can I do to improve my life? Any personality traits I should hone? Any self-help books I should read?

I know that I'm bad at communication, but I want to know stuff about how to make the best of ALL my traits

recent things

I still love Tod. I hate it. I've tried to talk to him and he has been keeping me at a distance. It might be to protect himself and it might be some misguided attempt to protect me. Or maybe not so misguided. If he really plans to never see me again, it probably would be best for me to not get close to him again.

On a much higher note - I went to Clemson for a YSA conference this past weekend. On Saturday, there was a dance, and I was asked to dance every single slow song by a different person each time. It was super-fun and the boys there were quite attractive.

Sunday I rode on the back of a motorcycle. I started out terrified and then relaxed and decided to trust the driver (yes, he is safety conscious). It's very difficult for me to relinquish control and I had to come to terms with that quickly if I was going to be able to enjoy that bike ride. This bike is owned by my quite attractive mechanic Home Teacher. He also has a mohawk =)