I think the scariest thing I can do at this point in my life is to go on a date with someone who obviously likes me and is nice to me.
Kind of resonating with back when I went on a date with Atlas. How completely FREAKED I was because it was an actual date and I had fun.
Going on a terrible date? Not a big deal. Did it on Saturday and finally have a story to tell when ppl ask for awkward date stories.
Tonight? Not too much there on the calmness front. It's so much easier to deal with people who are as closed off as I think that I am, dating-wise.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
It's crazy
I love people so easily. It's a little incredible how much that trait was not beaten out of me. Maybe it was even fostered by my knowledge of how valuable a friend can be. Short story is, someone I am good friends with and especially if I talk to them frequently, I would do just about anything for.
I love someone in a non-romantic way and it made me stop short when they sent me a text today and I was like, "I really love this person" and then I was like... "What?" before I realized that I love them for being them and someone to talk to, not for any romance or possibility thereof.
Still... it still stops me in my tracks when I see myself loving people that easily.
I love someone in a non-romantic way and it made me stop short when they sent me a text today and I was like, "I really love this person" and then I was like... "What?" before I realized that I love them for being them and someone to talk to, not for any romance or possibility thereof.
Still... it still stops me in my tracks when I see myself loving people that easily.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Music to illustrate my feelings
The Test - Janice Kapp Perry
Depression's been flaring up again this last week or two. It's been pretty bad.
So Sick - Ne-Yo
[doesn't quite match up, but I do love this song so much]
I am so sick. So sick of work. So sick of stress. So sick of work. So sick of drama. So sick of work. So sick of navigating tricky social situations. Sick of work. Did I mention that I'm tired of my job?
Depression's been flaring up again this last week or two. It's been pretty bad.
So Sick - Ne-Yo
[doesn't quite match up, but I do love this song so much]
I am so sick. So sick of work. So sick of stress. So sick of work. So sick of drama. So sick of work. So sick of navigating tricky social situations. Sick of work. Did I mention that I'm tired of my job?
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Can't Sleep
Before this year, I never had any trouble sleeping. Sure, there was a night here and there, but that was it.
2 months after getting into my last long-term relationship (we dated 4 months), I stopped being able to reliably relax for sleep. That lasted for the rest of our relationship while I was miserable and didn't acknowledge it. It appears that for whatever reason, that situation has flared up again.
I never really had sympathy for insomniacs before b/c I never had any trouble at all getting to sleep for 2 days in a row. I don't know if my situation is similar now and with more understanding, I feel sympathy for insomniacs even though it might still be a different situation. My new situation is that I'm just too stressed and I dread going to sleep. I just stay awake until my body just collapses.
Today my body said that it had had enough. When I woke up this morning, I was immediately grumpy and hating everything (I'd only gotten 4-5 hours of sleep). I can't stand it when ppl touch my stuff. I've been trying to be understanding and sharing, but when my laptop is borrowed several times a day, it wears on me. So, first thing this morning, I was hit with a pet peeve. I was so angry about being woken up for that. During sacrament, I kept constantly praying for my heart to soften b/c I was still so on-edge and on the verge of just walking out and going home. In Relief Society, sitting in the back just before it started, I started to cry. There wasn't really a reason in particular for this. Just tears started to flow. It was only then that I realized that I was on my insane emotional rollercoaster trip that I go on when I get too little sleep for too long.
I threw up a couple hours later. I didn't feel better in any way except for the fact that I didn't have to fight down the queasiness anymore. My face is freaky looking when all the blood has drained out of it, btw. WAY too white...
This post is for me to get all this out and so hopefully I can get to sleep and avoid this situation happening again too soon.
Work is killing me. I think I might start misbehaving on the phones if this goes on much longer. I know I'm not supposed to take idiots and rude ppl personally, and I don't do it consciously, but apparently I do because the nice ppl who are respectful or joke around with me are so good, but what sticks with me are those one or two calls where the person calls me a liar or says I'm the worst person ever.
I think this job is making me more polarized with my feelings about phone use. I now never voluntarily call someone unless timing is important or someone left me a voicemail after I couldn't bring myself to answer--even then, sometimes it takes me days to call back. Previously, I simply preferred texting. Now, phone calls are like pulling teeth.
P.S. - It's kinda funny when you post a downer post like this one and when you click "Publish Post", it's so excited that it says "Your blog post published successfully!" and gives the link right there to "View Post"
2 months after getting into my last long-term relationship (we dated 4 months), I stopped being able to reliably relax for sleep. That lasted for the rest of our relationship while I was miserable and didn't acknowledge it. It appears that for whatever reason, that situation has flared up again.
I never really had sympathy for insomniacs before b/c I never had any trouble at all getting to sleep for 2 days in a row. I don't know if my situation is similar now and with more understanding, I feel sympathy for insomniacs even though it might still be a different situation. My new situation is that I'm just too stressed and I dread going to sleep. I just stay awake until my body just collapses.
Today my body said that it had had enough. When I woke up this morning, I was immediately grumpy and hating everything (I'd only gotten 4-5 hours of sleep). I can't stand it when ppl touch my stuff. I've been trying to be understanding and sharing, but when my laptop is borrowed several times a day, it wears on me. So, first thing this morning, I was hit with a pet peeve. I was so angry about being woken up for that. During sacrament, I kept constantly praying for my heart to soften b/c I was still so on-edge and on the verge of just walking out and going home. In Relief Society, sitting in the back just before it started, I started to cry. There wasn't really a reason in particular for this. Just tears started to flow. It was only then that I realized that I was on my insane emotional rollercoaster trip that I go on when I get too little sleep for too long.
I threw up a couple hours later. I didn't feel better in any way except for the fact that I didn't have to fight down the queasiness anymore. My face is freaky looking when all the blood has drained out of it, btw. WAY too white...
This post is for me to get all this out and so hopefully I can get to sleep and avoid this situation happening again too soon.
Work is killing me. I think I might start misbehaving on the phones if this goes on much longer. I know I'm not supposed to take idiots and rude ppl personally, and I don't do it consciously, but apparently I do because the nice ppl who are respectful or joke around with me are so good, but what sticks with me are those one or two calls where the person calls me a liar or says I'm the worst person ever.
I think this job is making me more polarized with my feelings about phone use. I now never voluntarily call someone unless timing is important or someone left me a voicemail after I couldn't bring myself to answer--even then, sometimes it takes me days to call back. Previously, I simply preferred texting. Now, phone calls are like pulling teeth.
P.S. - It's kinda funny when you post a downer post like this one and when you click "Publish Post", it's so excited that it says "Your blog post published successfully!" and gives the link right there to "View Post"
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Official acknowledgement
So you know those 15 lbs I've been trying to lose for the last year that I gained while being a couch potato while living in Columbia with my married roommates? I couldn't lose them and couldn't lose them and it frustrated me to no end b/c I naturally have a very fast metabolism and I don't need to worry about things like this. It felt like the one thing my body was good at, it decided to be dumb at that too.
Biking to the chiropractor and then to and from work has made a huge difference. I can run around again without getting winded. Someone today at work told me that I need to get better-fitting pants b/c the pair I was wearing was too big. It was nice b/c I bought that pair b/c I was too big for my normal jeans. I weighed myself today and now I'm at the heavier part of my natural variance that I've had since High School.
I've missed that a lot. It wasn't changing my diet, not really. Doing enough exercise made me naturally want the healthier foods, like grapes and such. Also, I continued to eat the same amount of food, it's just that my body was burning the calories again. Something I read somewhere is that if you are a grazer instead of 2 or 3 really big meals a day, it helps to speed up your metabolism (which is probably why I've never had trouble before). Heidi did a lot of research on how to have self-control with food, and I was always interested, because that's what I do, but what has helped me the most is to have exercise built into my schedule and having no way to get out of it.
It's 7 miles between work and my apartment. I still haven't been brave enough to bike uphill the whole way, but I've biked up to my chiropractor (almost 3 miles) and then gone up to the bus stop to take the bus up to work. I do bike home, though. I don't care that it's mostly downhill. There's no way to be on a bike for 7 miles and not get any exercise in.
Biking to the chiropractor and then to and from work has made a huge difference. I can run around again without getting winded. Someone today at work told me that I need to get better-fitting pants b/c the pair I was wearing was too big. It was nice b/c I bought that pair b/c I was too big for my normal jeans. I weighed myself today and now I'm at the heavier part of my natural variance that I've had since High School.
I've missed that a lot. It wasn't changing my diet, not really. Doing enough exercise made me naturally want the healthier foods, like grapes and such. Also, I continued to eat the same amount of food, it's just that my body was burning the calories again. Something I read somewhere is that if you are a grazer instead of 2 or 3 really big meals a day, it helps to speed up your metabolism (which is probably why I've never had trouble before). Heidi did a lot of research on how to have self-control with food, and I was always interested, because that's what I do, but what has helped me the most is to have exercise built into my schedule and having no way to get out of it.
It's 7 miles between work and my apartment. I still haven't been brave enough to bike uphill the whole way, but I've biked up to my chiropractor (almost 3 miles) and then gone up to the bus stop to take the bus up to work. I do bike home, though. I don't care that it's mostly downhill. There's no way to be on a bike for 7 miles and not get any exercise in.
Monday, October 10, 2011
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