It's official!

I created a blog and everything! I even made a post.

TamingtheCrazy.blogspot.com

I have a new blog and this is my last post on this one :)

Moving?

I am contemplating a move. I think my life is getting to a point that is about time to graduate from Bittersweet Musings and do something else.

Maybe Cheerful Thoughts. Or Life from this perspective.

Who knows? It just comes down to the fact that a lot of the stuff I have posted about (especially towards the beginning of this blog) aren't a part of my life anymore. I've simply grown a lot.


I'm just waiting for inspiration to hit me.

Wow

Life has really come together this past week. So many blessings and so much love. I re-read about half of my blog this morning and want to say some stuff.

In the 2nd half of my post, CA trip, I said that I didn't recognize the person I was and how it broke my heart. With how my life is going currently, I couldn't be happier and I would not give up my past in order to go back to that previous relationship. This one is so much better-suited to me and I am in such a great place, currently.

In Thank goodness I didn't get married (and have grown so much), I outlined things I didn't think I would've done while married or just that I was glad that I could do those things while single. SJ and I both are passionate about traveling and plan trips on a semi-regular basis. My background in construction and being a security guard led to my getting into the Vivint technician team, which is where I met SJ in the first place. Pet-sitting for Sophia is probably the deciding point in my job application to work at my current job in a dog kennel. I think being a dog trainer would be the most rewarding job ever and this job will (hopefully) at least help me along my way towards that goal. I now know that I can handle children (which I didn't, when dating Tod). This past weekend, I had a moment where I could see forgiving Mom as a complete possibility. Hasn't necessarily happened, but the fact that I could even think that when I thought I would at least have to be in my 40s to understand and forgive, is pretty impressive to me, in and of itself. This past month, I started individual therapy with group therapy and it has been amazing how much I feel has been done already with so much potential for more. SJ loves cruiser motorcycles, so I would probably still be able to ride a bike, but being in the driver's seat is always so fun. I don't know if I would've ever considered a cruiser without trying a sport or bullet bike first.

SJ and I have been dating a little over 5 months now. I know for a fact that I wouldn't have been able to make the progress that I did without his help. Simply his insistence on honesty, almost constant, in the beginning of our relationship--even if the honesty did hurt him, was helpful to staying on my path to improvement. His acceptance of who I am and the assertion that the atonement really does wipe away our mistakes is another reason. The combination of his desire for honesty and acceptance of me is definitely why I haven't slipped back into old habits formed in the longest and most unrelenting depression of my life. He is amazing and I love him for it. I am in love with him for it... XD

A Facebook status

First off, I have clinical depression (which means it has been here for YEARS with no sign of it ever going away) and we're starting to suspect that it's cyclical because we really can't trace the original trigger down and we're trying to figure out if it is just as regular as the start of a new week or not. There are times that I get a break. Depression strikes and leaves. Strikes and leaves.

With that out of the way, let me just give my thoughts on a particular facebook status that I saw from an acquaintance of mine. I simply could not believe it.

"One thing that really stinks about NOT having depression is you can't blame how you are feeling on it. I am having to admit my emotions and figure out why I'm feeling that way and then resolve them. Bleh! So much easier to say it's just depression! Being a grown up is hard! :)"

I can't believe how hurtful this is to me. It stinks to NOT have depression? Apparently, I -LOVE- flushing my mood down the toilet for several days or weeks at a time (Or in the case of 2010, almost the entire year). It must be such a privilege to have depression. Why am I wasting this opportunity? I should be using depression as an excuse for not living my life. Truly. Why wouldn't anyone be jealous of the temptation to disappear in a violent way that sometimes appears completely out of the blue, but, paradoxically, often enough that you know to expect it semi-frequently? Somehow, in this perspective, depression is the magical answer. In my particular case, the only way I can get any semblance of control is TO examine my feelings "and figure out why I'm feeling that way and then resolve them."

Also, at the end, the subtle implication that either all people who aren't adults are depressed and make excuses, or that the people who do say they have depression aren't grown-ups was just the icing on the shocking and hurtful cake.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know if this is more or less hurtful than the "just get over it" attitude that some people have. That somehow, just playing with a kitten or whatever other magic pill is going to do it and I just am too lazy or like the excuses too much to do anything about my depression.

Guess I'm just in shock and frustrated. And sleep deprived. And bitter, did I mention bitter?

=(

[EDIT: I moved the date around after I published it and am just now putting it back. I didn't want to delete this, but I also don't want it to be a commonly seen post] 
[EDIT 2: Apparently, that acquaintance has depression as well. If anything, that makes this post make LESS sense to me... My mind is completely boggled]

Hello Fear

For a while, I've been dancing around addressing my depression as it has flared up again. I've put some thought into it and I know that for me, fear is in my comfort zone. I know it. I'm familiar with it. It is a very old acquaintance of mine. This past week, I have felt fear and I almost don't want to fight it because it is easier to accept.

I was on an internet adventure this morning (of course) and rediscovered Kirk Franklin and stumbled across this video. It was just perfect.

Hello Fear - Kirk Franklin

(you need to listen to this song. Seriously)

Also, southern gospel music? How could I resist?

Tagging games

I feel like this is suitably lighthearted to balance out my previous post, so I'm pretty excited to do it. (I usually feel a little bad after writing more than one negative post in a row, and so try to at least throw in some lighthearted stuff between.)

Apparently the big number in this game is 11.
Rules:
The five rules of the game are:
1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
2. Answer the 11 questions the nominator asked.
3. Create 11 questions for your nominees to answer.
4. Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
5. No tag backs

[EDIT] looking back, 11 is a huge number to do 3 times... Sorry

In homage to Mary counting in a foreign language in her post, I believe I shall follow suit, so bear with me (for those who even care, it's the kunrei-shiki romaji of Japanese)

Ichi - I am working at a dog kennel that is for breeding doberman pinschers. It is an easy job (that I love) and I am starting to form relationships with the dogs (some are REALLY sweet)
Ni - Once I left for college, I discovered the freedom of independence and, as a result, hang onto it with the tenacity of a drowning person
San - There's a pretty good chance that the relationship I am currently in will blow away all my records for length of dating
Shi -  Because of my exes, I know more about what warning signs look like for me and also and especially, what I need to do better this time around
Go - Comments on my pictures and blogs especially make me so happy. It is an effort to stay connected with the people who I don't see on a day-to-day basis, and comments affirm me and encourage me to continue to do so
Roku - I am still not over my childhood. I thought that I wasn't bitter anymore, but as I make plans to head to SC for a weekend around Christmas, I am reminded of how there are some things that I still fantasize about doing in the most hurtful way possible. There are also some people I don't talk to as often as I used to because I feel attacked and hurt that they don't seem to understand anymore.
Shichi - I love sleep. When people rail against the need to sleep, I feel sad for them. Sleep is glorious! Without sleep, you would be a threat to humanity--it makes you irritable, irrational, insane, and all kinds of bad things. It is a necessary part of life. To me, sleep is part of taking care of yourself, and you know that saying, "If you can't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone" or something like that...
Hachi - I am so incredibly sad and miss people who have said goodbye to me in final tones, figuratively speaking. There was a reason I became friends with them and that's because I thought they were awesome. I foster a hope in my heart that those people can come around again. Maybe we won't be fantastic friends anymore, but at least it won't be "I hate you forever" still.
Kyuu - Reading relaxes me like nothing else. Unfortunately, I am rather a picky reader, and sometimes become very disappointed in the books I have read that were recommended to me (not unlike food recommendations), so I have become extremely careful
Zyuu - I'm thinking about going to see a therapist again--just short term to talk about how my triggers have morphed and changed. How I can improve.
Zyuuichi - I love being awake when everyone else is sleeping. When I was little, waking up in the middle of the night to do what -I- wanted to do was amazing... because I could. There was nobody to stop me from doing anything I wanted or witness that I actually wanted to do something constructive, at times. It has held, and so when I wake up in the morning before anyone else, I am bouncy and happy. When I stay up longer than anyone else and have no witnesses to me cleaning my room or anything like that, it's wonderful. Totally innocent stuff, just no witnesses, that make me so happy and brings me peace.

1. What are your feelings on Harry Potter? Complicated.
When the first book came out, I was told that I was not allowed to read it because of the witchcraft. I read the first one 3 times in a row before lunch. My favorite was the third book, where he forms a relationship with Sirius Black, also, hippogriffs (who are suspiciously like griffons, to me). Book 5 completely turned me off to the whole series. I also really hate it when authors try to FORCE you to believe in magic.
2. What is your love language? (If you don't know, what is of largest significance to you-- a) a gift, b) act of service, c) quality time, d) kind words, or e) physical touch)?  Physical touch with the secondary of kind words. Some people don't understand that physical touch is not sexual touch, which is necessary for all marriages (my opinion), but that physical touch is that if you're with someone you know, you high-five, fist-bump, hug, anything like that. Even becoming a tickle monster expresses the need for physical touch
3. What country would you visit if you could? If not, why? I've always wanted to visit Ireland because of my heritage and also, because of the Irish heritage in general--it is so amazing to me. Also, Italy, if only for the food.
4. How do you like to relax? Reading, mostly. Sometimes by watching inane tv shows. Sometimes just getting lost in the internet and mostly getting nothing accomplished. Conversely, deep cleaning relaxes me
5. Do you believe ignorance is bliss? In some circumstances, yes. Sometimes it is incredibly difficult to know something. On the most part, though, no. I -LOVE- information and pieces of trivia, especially about how the mind works
6. As an American, do you feel any responsibility to vote? Or even be in politics? I know this might get me branded as a heretic in certain circles, but only somewhat. In politics, I am easily swayed by arguments, but I tend towards the republican side; however, even saying that worries me because if someone opposes you in politics, you are almost guaranteed an argument, which is my biggest demotivator
7. What are your top 3 favorite colors? Green, Blue and... yellow?
8. Do you or would you like to speak another foreign language? Speaking Japanese fluently would be SO cool. I took two semesters of Japanese in college and MAN is it difficult to learn. I also took two semesters of Spanish in high school. I regret not paying closer attention or working harder
9. Are there any books you would suggest I read? Well, my favorite book is The Serpent's Shadow by Mercedes Lackey, and I recommend it to everyone, in part, to see if their literary inclinations are similar to mine, but for Mary--you, personally, I want to read Deerskin by Robin McKinley and tell me what you think
10. What are your feelings on nicknames? I've always thought that nicknames were cool. I've never truly run across one that I felt fit me perfectly, though, and most nicknames tend not to stick
11. What does music mean to you? I've not devoted a ton of time to figuring it out, but it can improve even the worst of my moods. Music is powerful. One thing unique to me (mostly) is that I am a huge marching band nerd and get amped up to the point of ridiculousness when I go to marching shows, ESPECIALLY the ones put on my DrumCorps

Now for my questions to you! (Why you feel a certain way is always a desired part of your answer)
1. How did you come to blog?
2. What is/are your favorite book/books?
3. Who do you miss being around?
4. What is your favorite food?
5. What is/was your favorite job (or the one you hated least)?
6. What is your favorite hanging out activity?
7. What motivates you to get out of the bed in the morning?
8. Where is your favorite vacation?
9. Do you like pictures being taken of you?
10. How do you keep track of important things?
11. Why did you end up participating?

Well, there are actually very few blogs that I follow regularly nowadays. Based on frequency of updates, I tend to check more often or stop checking altogether. I will not be offended if you don't do this, but I will also be excited if you do

no tag-backs, but I will acknowledge the person who tagged me:
Mary - For what We Can not Understand
if you want to, I certainly don't mind if you just do a post answering my questions ;D

1. Katie - Boggledy Blog
2. Mary Ann - Clouds. Dandelions. Life. and whatever (she doesn't update often, but I think she'd be interested in this)
3. Alyssa - (a)
4. Adele - merrily karolys
5. Jen - Only a little Sugar-Coated
6. Karen (and Buzz) - The Buzz at the Bowler's

Depression monster strikes

This past weekend, I have been hitting triggers like crazy. It all started with this dream that left me feeling a bit off and just had that scuzzy feeling to it. I don't know if it's my slightly premonitional dreams coming back (the first time, I ended up praying for them to stop because I couldn't deal with twice the misery), or if they just set the tone for this weekend and neutral occurences became negative...

I don't like it. My heart stops for a second or two and I'm tempted to cry. In comparison to some of my friends, this might be a walk in the park, but for me, it's what my experience is. I just feel extremely beaten down. Hopefully a big part of it is just lack of sleep (and bad timing of a few things) and will be fixed just by virtue of getting plenty of rest on my days off work.

Sad feelings. Stomach jumping up into my throat every once in a while. Cold shivers. Tears. General uncomfortable feelings.


Bright moments--getting home from work and seeing comments from my dear sister Laura, playing with and feeding one of my nephews while boyfriend plays card games with the family I have in Utah, just being with people who love me in general, hugs

Neutral: back in severe pain, work busyness, laundry stuff

Doesn't really balance very well. Crossing my fingers for a good "night" of sleep

Just a trip

So I am in Anaheim, CA currently. Steve and I decided to take advantage of some free tickets to Disney and brought his niece (Hallie) and nephew (Trenton), who are both high schoolers, along as a sort of chaperone.

Pictures to come. We'll stay til Thursday

Almost done (4 more days!)

Boyfriend went home this past weekend. I'll be leaving on Thursday night after work and turning in all my equipment and tools =)

Today I am doing laundry and cleaning my room. It is so cathartic. Turning music up really loud and cleaning everything.

Btw, I am not in my area that I am supposed to be working in. The sales guys decided to open a new area (with only four days left! What are they thinking?) and I was assigned to go out there with one of the guys. I told him he could have whatever jobs were coming in today and I'd head out there if he got backed up. As it's looking now, he might be lucky to just get one job. The first day in an area is always slow.

Anyways, boyfriend's nephew came into town on Saturday to assist in the drive home. Later, boyfriend told me that his nephew is so jealous because I am a nerd and I'm hot. Direct quote. I am so pleased with that. Heehee. It's the little compliments that just get me XD

PS - we've been dating a little over 2 months

*Hope*

I was reminded of an old relationship today and it helped me realize something about my current relationship and why I have such high hopes for this one:

I don't feel like I'm trying to save the person I'm dating. He lifts me up and inspires me to be better. He says that I inspire him to be better as well. It confuses me that he can be inspired by me, but I'm happy that somehow he's a better person for knowing me (and can tell me so). Btw, ever since I told him that I cannot survive a relationship where I'm not getting compliments and verbal feedback almost constantly and he said that he can change and that he's a fast learner, things have changed for the better. For a while in there, I was finding other ppl to be attractive and being like "dang. I'm in a relationship, can't have anything happen" and it changed back to seeing people, but not caring if they're attractive in relationship to my behavior. Maybe eventually my communication with myself will get better and my mind won't have to be so blatant to let me know when something's wrong, but for now, this is good enough, I believe. I'm moving back to Utah after the season to let this relationship follow it's course and just see where it leads.

Miscommunication

It makes me sad to see how much pain the inability to communicate can cause.

That is why I'm only in town for the weekend. I love love love my sisters, but there are some people who have no idea how to communicate and then because their needs aren't being met, lash out at their perceived attackers (who usually have no idea what set that person off or why). It's just something I can't handle being around. I think I'll try to broach the subject politely and see what they think about it...

I'm glad I'll only be here for the weekend--even though I love the south and miss it desperately while I'm gone. Some people are just too painful to be around.

Who wouldn't miss this?

Also, the temptation to allow myself to get sad and just hold that feeling close to myself and create a cocoon gets really strong sometimes. Like right now. I want to use sadness as my shield/barrier... (I'm still too sensitive to careless comments, apparently)

Sometimes my mind gets stuck in a loop. A couple hours ago, I hit a funk and I can't really get out. Can't bring myself to go to bed and can't really bring myself to do something productive.

Then I start feeling weird about complaining that I'm not doing anything...

Progress

Boyfriend said something that offended me today. I was proud of myself for being able to say I still like you, but I'm pretty upset about what you said.

(vs. conditional love)

in other news. I don't know how long it'll last. It was tempting to make it partially about this, but it's really that we can't hang out or go on dates b/c we have no time at all with this job. Also, he loves Utah so so much. I need the ocean. I can't handle life without it

Silly faces

Mary, you need to see this:

This makes me so happy

Reading old talks

This article led me to this one--I grabbed the quotes that stuck out the most to me.


Anonymous - Finding Peace through Forgiveness

"...[What can I learn from the Amish community forgiving the milkman who shot and killed several of their schoolgirls and the drunk driver who caused the deaths of his wife and children?]

"As I considered this question, I became agitated. These stories did not mirror mine. In both cases, the offender had either died or faced immediate prosecution, so the victims did not have to fear ongoing or future offenses. In my case, the perpetrator was still part of my life and wasn’t facing death or a public justice system ... How could I forgive someone who had not yet repented or suffered any punishment? How could I forgive when the offense might even recur?"

Richard G Scott - To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse

"During your journey of recovery, accept His invitation to let Him share your burden until you have sufficient time and strength to be healed."

"While an important part of healing, if the thought of forgiveness causes you yet more pain, set that step aside until you have more experience with the Savior’s healing power in your own life."

"Do not fear—for fear is a tool Satan will use to keep you suffering."

"Remember that predators are skillful at cultivating a public appearance of piety to mask their despicable acts. Pray to be guided in your efforts to receive help."

Updated States I've Lived in, Traveled to/through

visited 28 states (56%)
Create your own visited map of The United States


(so yeah, I might have been all around the southern area of this country... no love for northern states, though, apparently)

It felt nice to know I wasn't alone. I HATE that they have dealt with the pain and the confusion, and I appreciate knowing I am not the only one. -Jen Stockett (Only a little Sugar-Coated)

Small towns have the strangest things

Apparently, these arrows indicate historical locations

Crosbyton, TX

Tahoka, TX

I just don't understand

Also Tahoka, TX

Every time I saw this, I started cracking up

Side of thrift store - Brownfield, TX

The most confusing of all. That is a taco joint behind it...

Floydada, TX

Looks like I could be winning, this round

Life conspired to make things better. I stumbled across a blog of a friend I've lost touch with (who is struggling with healing of her own) and reading it was so healing, just knowing someone else is fighting a battle. She also does lots of research and has really cool facts and quotes posted as well.

I was able to just sit around and relax and then got a basic job without any headache extra stuff (package equpiment) and made friends with the couple that I installed yesterday to the point that they invited me to do fireworks with them today. I was really touched. Also, they've got four dogs--2 are large and 2 are medium large. I was so happy and I played with them after the install. They were all super sweet XD

I just got a new camera because my old one crapped out on Monday. I'm excited to try it out tonight and finally exercise my photographer skills again. I've missed it tons. Since there's not a Wal-Mart in the town I'm stationed in, Steve is picking up a micro SD card for me (my new camera didn't come with any memory at all). I'm excited to be in a family atmosphere again.

Talking about depression last night with Steve and discussed how not only is it addicting but it also saps your will and/or desire to fight it in the first place. He had drug-induced depression during HS and it's nice to have someone that understands, but is currently the most happy person I've been around in ages.


PS - Happy 4th of July!!!

=\

So life has slapped me around a bit this morning. A tiny bit last night, too, but mostly just today. I really don't take criticism well. I wish I was better able to handle it, but when I get told that I am wrong, my first reaction isn't "How can I fix it?" it's more along the lines of "Dang. I suck and I messed up again."
(usually after I get a chance to think about it, I try to think of how I could've improved, but I'm not good at on-the-spot stuff)

Depression monster strikes again. I think it's a more or less even match right now but I guess we'll see who is on top at the end of the three rounds...

Pics from today

 This is Bartholomew my new animal on a stick Triceratops. He's pretty awesome. He makes noises!

 This is Steve. He also makes funny growly noises when he wants to

Yep. Crazy eyes

Good things are happening. Probably have a more in-depth update soon

XD

Enjoy the suspense...

Random [good/bad] moment

You know that sinking feeling in your gut when something terrible happens? And when it's accompanied by a sick fear? That just happened tonight and it inspired me to realize something about myself:

I might be heart-stoppingly terrified of good boys now (or at least of them liking me). Might have something to do with me not being able to get into a good relationship in the last, what, 3-4 years? Tonight, as I was leaving one of the tech's apartments after hanging out, he offered about 3 times to help on my morning install if I wanted any assistance. Then our eyes met and that's when that jolt of fear shot through me. My brain defaulted to depression so quickly that I knew something was up and that's when I knew I had to figure this out. The conclusion I came to is that boys who are respectful and kind scare me to death. Might have something to do with my completely disastrous break-up back in '08 and also just the environment I grew up in... Logically, I -KNOW- it's ridiculous. Too bad my emotions spit on logic...

I can't think of a more ridiculous or sure-fire way to scare the living daylights out of me--a decent guy in the first stages of trying to let me know that he likes me... Good grief

Has it really been over a month?

An update is in order!

So, I was in the Virginia Beach office from April 9-April 28. After that, I was transferred down to Raleigh, NC's office for just under a week--that Thursday morning, I found out that the VA Beach office still wasn't busy enough to take me back and my original Team Lead was looking at getting me into either the Fayettesville, NC office or the Amarillo, TX office. I went down to SC for a cousin's wedding and didn't find out where I was going until Sunday. Monday was for paperwork, Tuesday, I mailed it out and left. Then I hydroplaned off the interstate and totaled my car.

Luckily, I was unhurt. I had one little scratch on my knee from AFTER the wreck when I knelt on the seat to get into my glovebox and one of the tiny pieces of glass got my knee. I also had some whiplash (That was over 360 degrees-every single corner of my car had been intimate with that guardrail and I came out facing about 90 degrees clockwise to how I left the interstate). I was so incredibly lucky. Another lucky thing is that I was only 2 hours away from home and Dad and Regina came to pick me up and get all my belongings out of the car. The cops who came to check it out were REALLY nice and helpful--they also mentioned that EVERY time it rains, someone goes off the interstate in this spot and that they don't know why someone hasn't come out to look at it...

I bought Dad's extra family car and took care of that paperwork and headed out again on Thursday. Spent the night in Memphis, TN at a different Vivint office because one of my friends was there. Then I headed on to my new office and got there laaaaaaate on Friday night and moved into the office apartment. I took Saturday completely off, as it was my birthday, and then shadowed one of the guys on Monday. I've been working ever since and I mostly love it. Keeping busy is really nice. I've mostly gotten 2 installs a day since I started working and I also help out some of the guys when I'm not on a job and they help me when they can. It's a pretty decent system. Also, yesterday, I moved into my very own apartment and was surprised at how excited I was to not have sales guys coming in and out all the time and all the other things that come with living at the office...

My two buddies, Chuck and Steve are both fun. Chuck is a really big redhead and I was initially really attracted to him, but now I'm seeing the scaled-back sweetness and attractiveness that Steve has. Flirting and dating is such a dangerous dance. If you break up and they end up hating you, the rest of the time they're in your presence sucks. Memphis boy is cute and has a fun voice but is a bit of a bad influence. Some of my old addictions wake up around him. I still stand by my statement that "dating is scary."

Life is fun, though. And BUSY

Feeling isolated is resonating with my past in a majorly uncomfortable way. It is harder and harder to not go crazy. Not the crazy you joke about or think is cute--the one that encourages destructive impulses and treating people around me bitterly.

It's not their fault. Just about my whole team is married or in a significant relationship and they (might) think that being friends with me while their significant other isn't around is not the best of ideas. I don't blame them--it's probably smart and a good way to keep the peace. I am just seeing more areas where I don't do well and am not very well-equipped to handle. Not even a month ago, I was talking to my younger brother and encouraging him to develop coping techniques for disappointments because disappointments are inevitable. I said in my conversation that I had developed a few techniques that had served me pretty well so far. This past week has sorely tested my assertion.

Don't get me wrong. I love my job. I really do. It's just this transition period where I don't have any friends that is getting to me.

I wanted to just comfort-food it up...

So earlier, I saw that someone had called me a mean name and I wanted to get depressed about it. However, the more I thought about it, and as much as I wanted to just have a good pity party, I only got angry.

What made me mad wasn't the name. If it had only been the mean-spirited name, I'd probably just be sad. It was the explanation behind it that got me. The explanation that I can't take people speaking the truth as they see it about me. The truth is, I can't take ppl speaking the truth as they see it about me when they are upset and angry and convinced that they are right and their logic is infallible and won't listen to any explanation (except their own) of what was going on. I probably won't be the first to admit I have faults, but I'll probably be at least the 2nd or 3rd and am definitely aware of my issues and working on them.

I have a minor pet peeve of people demanding that I be able to fly before I can even walk or jump. I have made SO MUCH progress since I started shutting out those comments/that advice. The ones demanding that I forgive before I am able in order to assuage their conscience, the ones who think that letting go of an abusive past is as easy as dropping a scalding hot pocket, a phone, a ball, a plate, or soap instead of the difficulty of removing something that's been surgically implanted (but harder b/c you can't see it or touch it)--The ones who ignore the progress I've made already and demand that I get over the more trivial issues (maybe not realizing that as a result, I'd have to ignore the larger, overlying issue that is causing the smaller issues in the first place), those are the most dangerous in my world.

Anyways < /rant >



EDIT:
I didn't stop being angry until I was looking at a picture of them and then clicking through, unwillingly remembering how blissfully happy I had been. Now -that's- something I miss. That and knowing that we probably won't ever be friends again because of how everything ended up turning out. Those are both heartbreaking.

Thank goodness I didn't get married

(and have grown so much)

This was written while I didn't have internet at my apartment:

(Btw, I made it here safe and sound on Sunday)

Talking to a co-worker and introducing them to the bare bones of my past, I talked about a bunch of things, but what got ME thinking was the reason I avoid chick flicks when and if at all possible—it got me down, so I watched MIB (yay for distractions) and I was able to distance myself enough through that so I could think logically without just needing a hug or at least a sad phone call to exactly the wrong person...

3 ½ years ago, if we hadn't broken up and I had gotten married, these are what I could've missed out on:

(Some can be done while married, but I might not be able to tell if it was all me)

--Road-trip and stayed in all kinds of crazy places

--2 years of construction and half a year of being a security guard/mall-cop

--This summer job doing installs for Vivint

--Multiple train rides

--Ability to sympathize with ppl having their heart shattered

--Would never have been Sophia's roommate or done any pet-sitting

--Never have lived with so many married couples

--Realize that I actually do like kids if they're not spoiled *shock*

--Realize that I am incapable of being okay with a child giving me attitude

--Taken psychology and child development classes (but still know that college is not for me)

--Making steady progress instead of maybe prematurely thinking I've gotten over Mom and focus all my anger somewhere else, thus making it harder to pinpoint

--Finally getting a handle on my bitterness and only losing patience at normal times, like when someone is sticking to their original beliefs/perceptions and ignoring all logic

--Drive a motorcycle

--Braid my hair on my own

--Learn to not only respect but love my body

--Take another shot at owning a car and trying to maintain it correctly

--Discover on my own that I truly despise cooking

--I am different from others in the way I enjoy exercise (though I am lazy)

--Realized that while I can certainly live somewhere besides the South, I truly cannot live without the ocean or travel on a regular basis

Planned & Taken Route

I'll be in SC til Friday, then I resume this trip. Gotta be in Virginia Beach with enough time to move in and get comfortable before work starts on Monday

So I drove from Utah to Texas in about 28 hours

(3 hours of my travel time was sleeping at a rest area)

So in this past week, I've hung out with two Pakistanis so far (also Muslim, but that's no surprise). Both were single and neither hit on me or looked at me at all. It was a refreshing and new experience. I really need to get out of Utah where the majority of people my age are marriage-hungry (and date-hungry too, I guess). I don't know if I could live in Houston, TX, but maybe somewhere like Savannah, GA or somewhere in Northern Florida. It'll be my first time going somewhere having absolutely NO connections. It'll be new and exciting. Maybe I'll move to Atlanta. I hear they've got a good area (but crazy traffic)

Who knows? The biggest thing is that my drive through Texas reminded me of some of the things I love about the south and didn't realize that I'd miss. Example - some teenage guy working in his front yard tipped his hat at someone driving that he recognized. I miss that. Who tips their hat anymore? Who even has a hat to tip? I miss rednecks

A recent self-realization

I've been reading The Miracle of Forgiveness and it was a minor point of interest that I found the early chapters emphasizing the seriousness of any sin to be comforting while everyone else (it seems) is taken aback by them and has trouble getting through even the first three chapters. I've put a lot of thought into it off and on and as I am getting closer and closer to the forgiveness part of the book, I'm realizing what's going on. I am reluctant to hear someone forgiving me. I have no idea how to handle someone who's understanding and loving. You can chew me out till the cows come home and I'll bounce back before the end of the day. On the flip side, though, is if you compliment me and are unrelentingly nice and polite, I have absolutely no defenses at all. Even if there's a person out there who wants me to do something bad for me (whether or not they realize it), if they go about it the right way, I am helpless against their request.

I really need to get past my childhood.

Unintentionally a Valentine's day post

It's amazing how much I've been able to let go recently. It has been brought to my attention that I no longer worry about past relationships--mostly, with Tod, I simply don't know what did it, but the reason we broke up is no longer important. Today (or yesterday, depending), I realized that my last significant relationship hasn't bothered me in quite a while, either. I wish the best for them, but am so glad we broke up when we did. I hope everyone has a great Valentine's day. I doubt that it will rival what happened last year's. Last year's Valentine's day was awesome. Either way, I don't plan on making it about me or especially about being single. Those ppl can get annoying (please don't be that person).

I'm going to be traveling with my job now! I'm so happy. I love being a restless traveler.

First up? Mississippi

On Being Vague

Sometimes, keeping unnecessary secrets helps me feel more secure. I guess it's just living in my comfort zone because I've been doing it forever...

New addiction

I got completely hooked on this song while I was borrowing the kids' (translation=Seth's) car

Katy Perry - The One That Got Away

So romantic.




DISCLAIMER: I'm terrified to watch any real Katy Perry music videoS. Well, actually, most of her song lyrics freak me out and the ones that don't usually have those accompanying horrific music videos, like Firework and Hot N Cold--a runner-up is California Gurls (I was already partially offended b/c I'm such a huge fan of the Beach Boys)

Music stuck in my head

Toby Keith - Rock You Baby

I woke up with this song in my head and it's still there. Such a good song. Who knew Toby Keith could be romantic?

States I've Visited

visited 15 states (30%)
Create your own visited map of The United States

Legend of Zelda

NES emulator

Sometimes you just have to play those old-school games. So worth it.

Looking back on 2011

January:
Moved into "the halfway house" - 6 families represented there
Back at BYU, this time majoring in the School of Family Life
Fell for and sorta dated Devin
February:
Moved to MarynDrews
Valentines day with Devin, talked about exes
My laptop broke
went on a fun date and had a panic attack the next day
March:
Got my laptop back
Started dating Justin
Started going to the Chiropractor
April:
Finished the semester
Went to Jan's wedding and saw family
May:
birthday!
California
June:
Finally accepted Utah
Started to get too busy and/or depressed to take pictures
Moved to studio apartment
July:
tried to start a project of self-help to get out of depression
met Regina in person
Becky got married
went to the beach
broke up with Justin
August:
Religion revival
Got a job
Rachel moved in
September:
Dad remarried
Had a fun date with someone new
Went to Devin's birthday party & met Ben, Crystal, Eric, & Peggy
October:
Work started stressing me out
Started hanging out with someone at work who liked me
Got too depressed to write in my journal
November:
Went to Cali to hang out with Tod
Nephew in my location was born
Had a decent conversation with my Mom (stopped officially talking in Feb 2009)
Purchased my motorcycle
December:
finally lost those last few pounds gained in 2009
Realized that hanging out with work friend was misleading him even though he'd been warned I'm not interested--stopped hanging out with him
Lost my soul again
Sent Christmas presents home with Rachel
Started taking my bike out regularly
Pretended it wasn't Christmas on Dec 25th
Hung out with Tod some when he came out for the wedding