So... my blog is no longer private. The person I was most worried about reading this is not so much of a threat in my life anymore, and with that realization, I'm finding myself relaxing by degrees. Couple that with a week or two of cheerfulness and feeling the need to share things I'm excited about results in realizing that I can try to be brave and share even more of myself to more of the public.

Just figured I'd do a fair warning-type thing.

Motorcycles

Reading the Motorcycle Operator Manual (MSF Manual) was probably the 2nd most thrilling thing I've done today. Reading what it had to say about safety reaffirmed my decision that motorcycles handle different enough from cars that I can retain my "people are trying to kill me" mentality that I have with my regular bicycle and can get away from my super-aggressive driver mentality I have in a regular vehicle. Also, maintenance should also be different enough to let me train myself into actually doing it.

The 1st most thrilling was when a motorcycle friend and his dad, who apparently are both mechanically-minded and do this kind of thing for fun, came over to look at my bike and gave non-judgmental coaching and also tweaked the brakes to make them better and said that they can fix my throttle tomorrow morning.

this pic doesn't do it justice

PS - I think this bike is GORGEOUS. When I sat on it for the first time when checking it out, I fell in love with her immediately. It is a beautiful machine. I haven't gotten this excited about anything like this recently besides the Marching Band at the football game I went to on Saturday

EDIT: Just so's you know, this is a 1988 Honda 250VTR Interceptor. It is in amazing shape with almost no rust etc

New things/Updates

There've been a lot of things new in my life that I've been too busy, too tired, or too depressed to share and I felt like I'd catch you guys up.

Levi was born!
Mom came in town
-we actually were friendly and she took me shopping and it was actually pleasant
I bought a motorcycle (yes, the helmet came with it)
-Honda Interceptor 250cc
Visiting Tod was awesome. I love that guy in the same way I love my handful of close friends and yet I still feel a bit sad about not being IN love with him anymore.
I miss a previous relationship and wish we could've truly dated and he had had more time to devote to a relationship.
I have a buddy that I feel more distant towards every time we hang out. I don't understand what happened--he was so sweet and cute in the beginning.
One of my friends has cancer. So far he is the most entertaining, hilarious, weird, and understanding/unjudgmental guy I've met in a long time.
I might be close to being done with my chiropractor visits, cross your fingers.
My sister/roommate is leaving town for thanksgiving, so has made me lots of food that I am super excited about--she even made me a dish to bring with me to another sister and bro-in-law's for thanksgiving! (Thank you, you're so amazing!)
I discovered that our heater was broken and a repairman has come and remedied the problem.

The reason following the mood

I was on a friend's facebook page, reading their statuses over and over again. I miss them. I feel a bit pathetic and creepy, but mostly sad. Lately I've been catching myself doing that quite often--feeling sad and my subconscious brain grasping for ways to justify the mood. There was one notable ride home that started me noticing it. I had been feeling down for about half the ride. About 10 min from home, a reason to be depressed popped into my head and the thought process that led me there just had me in awe. I told myself that I was being completely ridiculous and fought with that inner self the rest of the way home.

Being aware helps some, but it doesn't stop the general mood. It is sucky.


Quote: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

CA trip

So, this past weekend, I went to see Tod. It was really nice. I know exactly why I fell in love with him in the first place and I still find him attractive. The only thing is, I'm not still in love with him.

We had great conversations and I was able to relax during my vacation. This was in the small town of Taft, CA. We went to Bakersfield on Saturday for entertainment.

I know a lot more facts about him. Maybe a year or two ago, he stated that I didn't know him. After this weekend, I am convinced that I know (and have known) him, I just didn't know some major facts about how his life has gone.


It was sad to be reminded of how much I've changed. Looking back to the person I was three years ago and the paths I've taken since then, I'm so different, I almost don't know that person anymore. That person had their life so well put-together, it's crazy. She could have gotten married and become a stay-at-home Mom quite easily. I think some of the things that happened instead were really big learning experiences, but I think I would've managed without them or gotten them another way.

I miss being in love. It's so invigorating to have that, even being in love with someone who doesn't respond--the heartbroken form of being in love. Emotionally, I am a little lost without a best friend at the least.

EDIT: I think some of the ways I've changed for the better are that I'm way more understanding of things and more open to other lifestyles. 3 years ago, you couldn't pay me to live anywhere besides the south in a long-term situation. Now I don't know if I'll ever go back-I'm that much more tolerant of other places now. I'm not as set in my decisions and will do just about anything, as long as you can defend your case instead of me just rejecting the idea out of hand. That also goes for getting along with different personalities and beliefs.