Music

The question is, have I ever NOT liked John Denver?

The answer is "Perish the thought!"


//I was humming Annie's Song when dinner was winding down and Laura asked me if I liked John Denver

Mom & Dad are talking to lawyers about divorce.

So much for my period of healing and forgiveness. I'm every bit as angry at the situation as I was when I moved out to go off to college, except I feel much less helpless.

A Ray of Sunlight?

Well... I have been challenged to studying scriptures for 20 min/day and asked to keep a journal within 2 days of each other. I wonder how doing this will affect my life

There's been a full moon this week

Maybe instead of being in love, I'll start practicing Karate again. There's endorphins that come with exercising, right? Maybe I can fool myself into forgetting that I'm alone for another couple of months. Get to reading the scriptures on a regular basis (instead of the sporadic church meeting) and devoting some real time to thought. It's been interesting following a challenge to pray more. It never occurred to me to talk to HF while I was working on my own on the job.

Who needs to follow HF's confusing advice, anyway? Tod can do what he wants. I'm gonna take a vacation as soon as possible and hopefully it will include waves & sand. I don't even need it to be warm. I just want to listen & stare at the ocean breaking on the shore for a day or two... and part of the night. Exercise should help, too

PS - my new favorite thing to do when doing short errands at Wal-Mart: get a pack of pads in the cart w/everything else and when you're ready to check out, toss it (somewhat violently) onto the conveyor belt and then proceed to placing the rest of your parcels behind it, then proceed to glaring at the cashier. They never say much when I do that. It's so awesome. I apologize to cashiers, usually I am friendly, but when I'm in a bad mood, I like to pretend there's a reason for it and it's so hilarious how cowed they are (is it bad that I enjoy it so much?)
...another fun thing to do is leave a pad somewhere visible (like the top of an open purse) and have a reason to be hostile all day =D

maybe I am evil. Oh well. It's the small things in life you take pleasure in...

Martin Harris

I think I understand Martin Harris's story a lot better now. How happy he must have been when he finally got a yes answer after bugging HF so much in answer to his wanting to show his wife the manuscript. His devastation when he realized HF had a good reason for saying no and that he needed to put his trust in HF instead of the world.

When Heavenly Father said I was in love with Tod, I didn't know how to react. I pretty much said, "Forget you" and did what I wanted, which was to date random ppl. For a while, it was good. Then everything about Richard pounded home the fact that he was not the right one for me, and the only person I knew who even came close to touching that was Tod. On Thursday, I finally broke down and said to HF that I didn't know what to do. I despised and still despise that feeling of comfort that I got... Like I'm not supposed to have a plan or know what comes next. Not being in control is something I hate. If anybody tries to tell me that HF doesn't believe in tough love, I am laughing in their face

But seriously? What do I do? Run around like a chicken with its head cut off or just sit back and relax? No guidance even on that? I am bad at just sitting back and waiting! I have to DO something. I want to figure things out and have them stay that way. I want something that will always work, not something fickle, like the average (or un-average) life

=D

I guess Heavenly Father knew what he was doing, after all. Getting me to acknowledge that I was still in love with Tod helped me be able to get over him--also, when I called Tod to talk, he never admitted to liking me or wanting to in the future. I can think about Tod and not feel the maelstrom of feelings I'd become used to. FREEDOM!

Heeheehee. Richard is a very sweet guy. We held hands just about all day yesterday.

Being Giddy

So that motorcyclist Home Teacher I mentioned a blog or two ago? We went on another date last night. He came to Lugoff and we rode around on his motorcycle. Ended up in Camden at the Rectory Square park. We went and swung on the swings and had fun in general, ended up leaving when some other ppl showed up. Then we went back to the house, but the kids weren't securely in bed yet, so we had to be boring, so Richard and I went outside to look at the stars (it was really clear and there were a lot more out than ppl usually see). Then we watched Live Free or Die Hard with Aunt Lisa & Uncle Bob! It was a great movie - Aunt Lisa & Richard hadn't seen it before. After the movie, Uncle Bob went to bed and we went into the kitchen and talked to Aunt Lisa for a bit, so we went outside around 11:30 and just talked for a long time. I hadn't been out there too long, maybe around midnight or before, when it was just really cold and we ended up hugging to try and keep warm =D. We just talked about anything and everything that popped into our heads. When we looked at the clock again, it was 2! We couldn't believe it. So we kind of started to say goodbye and that yes, he was procrastinating because it was FREEZING, and riding a motorcycle w/o gloves on would just be miserably cold. Also, we were both a bit reluctant to say goodnight. His motorcycle is also apparently the kind you have to warm up before driving, too. So we didn't really mind turning it on and waiting for it to warm up quietly. However, neither of us could believe when we admitted the bike was warm and we looked at the clock again and it was 3am. Someone was messing with time's passage last night... Tricky tricky

I'm seeing him again tonight. We're going to the Voice Male concert and he's driving me to Becky's apartment. I have this crazy little grin on my face today and it's refusing to go away =D

EDIT: We held hands, and after the concert, we went on a mission to find food with Amber & Jason (Sonic) and afterwards, went to Wal-Mart to warm up and hang out for a bit longer. When he dropped me off at Katie & Becky's apartment, Katie noticed and pointed out after he left that he looked really really happy =)

Preparation

I set up an appointment to talk to my bishop before church on Sunday (finally). I'm excited, but don't know what I'll say. All I know is that I know that I want to prepare for the next step in my life, be it a mission or marriage or something else. Maybe college again, but I cringe at that particular thought.

So, I'd like to get as much advice from as many sources as possible. What can I do to improve my life? Any personality traits I should hone? Any self-help books I should read?

I know that I'm bad at communication, but I want to know stuff about how to make the best of ALL my traits

recent things

I still love Tod. I hate it. I've tried to talk to him and he has been keeping me at a distance. It might be to protect himself and it might be some misguided attempt to protect me. Or maybe not so misguided. If he really plans to never see me again, it probably would be best for me to not get close to him again.

On a much higher note - I went to Clemson for a YSA conference this past weekend. On Saturday, there was a dance, and I was asked to dance every single slow song by a different person each time. It was super-fun and the boys there were quite attractive.

Sunday I rode on the back of a motorcycle. I started out terrified and then relaxed and decided to trust the driver (yes, he is safety conscious). It's very difficult for me to relinquish control and I had to come to terms with that quickly if I was going to be able to enjoy that bike ride. This bike is owned by my quite attractive mechanic Home Teacher. He also has a mohawk =)

Well, Tod... Heavenly Father DID give you an opening and had me let you know about it. Ball was in your court. You had a week and a half to show any kind of initiative at all. I think that's way too long to have to wait anyway, but I gave you leniency because you worked 12 hour days Monday through Saturday. I'm back to being mad at you. Mad at the fact that I am still so attached to you to the point that I can't really date other people seriously in good conscience. Happy?

Me neither.

Oh well. Life goes on. I plan on going on dates with other people again. You missed your chance. Who knows? Maybe you'll get another. Maybe you won't. What Heavenly Father leaves up to me says you won't get another chance for a long while. Missions for girls last a year and a half. Getting out of the real world for that long + spiritually enlightening? That's a win-win situation in my opinion. Maybe I'll stop thinking about you every time I turn around.

Heavenly Father can be sadistic at times

Dear Tod,
I miss you like you wouldn't believe. I want to remember everything I loved about you and renew those feelings, but you have yet to say anything back to me. Despite Heavenly Father's intervention, I don't know how long I'll be able to wait on you. I will continue to squelch the urge to remember the good times b/c I'd hate to have to remember the bad in order to ground myself in real life.
Love love love,
Hannah

Church-ness!

I've started thinking somewhat seriously about going on a mission. I'll be 21 next May =) I think I'm going to start going to missionary prep classes.

Going to institute with Bro. Shurtleff is awesome. Learning about the scriptures is interesting again (shame on me that it wasn't always interesting...)

I know the Lord loves me, but sadly, I've been limiting his communication to me lately. I need to fix that. I've made some recent realizations lately and they will probably help me get back on track and ready to face the world again. Scriptures are fun to read. I really need to start making time for that. Maybe I should make a schedule...

I got a spiritual hug a couple nights ago when I really needed it. It's such a good thing that Heavenly Father is so forgiving. Bunch of obstinate children... Anyways, I'm going to start working on being a fantastic person, so pray for me to be able to continue through and be able to make some awesome improvements to my lifestyle

Wow. It has been a really long time.

Life is fantastic! Living at Aunt Lisa & Uncle Bob's is really fun. I am gradually starting to relax and start to feel comfortable around them and just doing my own thing. Hiding isn't as much of a habit as it's been in the past.

I just recently found out that Tod has also been put off of dating. I don't know why, but I'm a little bit comforted that it's not all one-sided this time.
Last month, I went on a few dates. I have a feeling that I will continue to do so. muahahahaha

I need a new job. Construction is still wearing me down. (The theatre set building job is out--the economy's too bad) Any job ideas?

Trusting Myself

I have a habit of listening only to other's advice and ignoring my true feelings for a very long time. I had them, but never acted on them.

I was told not to do Marching Band, but I'm sure it would've added a lot to my college experience. I went to BYU for a year and a half and never once went to any of the games. No, that's a lie, I went to BYU vs USC in tennis for extra credit. Even though I cheered for the gamecocks

I took a student development - study skills class. Somewhere in the middle of the semester or earlier, we took a learning styles test. We were sorted into 4 slices of a pie chart. One side (which was apparently the ideal) was of the analytical minds of ppl who have to control every single thing with their 6-figure salary and on the complete other were the artists and people who were in touch with colors and aesthetics who made absolutely no money. Then the teacher proceeded to tell us how we should nurture all of our personality traits in the six figure salary personality area. I should've been able to get a hint from this--it OFFENDED me that I was supposed to adopt those study skills.

Again, I ignored my feelings while approaching the second semester because I was lazy and didn't know how to stand up for myself yet--I stayed in Wyview Park with my two roommates who weren't really good at being friendly towards me.


However, I was told in no uncertain terms that I was supposed to go to BYU while I was praying about it in my Junior year. I submitted an early application and didn't worry about it at all. It's true, I was very homesick for the culture that I left behind, but I learned that I could go shopping without doing an hour's worth of work, learned karate, and I met Tod.

Away from Mom
It was liberating to make my own decisions about what I would do and what I wouldn't. My nicer roommate would laugh about stuff that I was discovering, like the fact that I could go to the mall when I wanted to or that I could stay out as late as I desired.
Karate
Talk about stress relievers! It was the best form of self defense that I've ever seen. This style of karate fit me almost like a glove. I built up strength and confidence, and best of all, I was allowed to kick and punch a thick pad held by my instructor and was able to get all kinds of technique fine-tuning. We talked about different kinds of situations and how to handle them. Also, I loved getting to know our instructor. Getting to know someone so very nice and gentle who knew how to destroy a person was very comforting... Heh
Tod
I am convinced that we were supposed to meet each other. I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father knew that I wasn't University material. In my need to escape my roommates, I ended up spending a lot of time at as many alternatives to home as I could think of: At first it was Heidi & John's house, but then I branched out a little to one of my friends from my dance class's apartment, and then I got to know Tod and the Hunts better and tried to hang out with them for as late as possible, which got pretty late, b/c while I was at the Hunt's, I didn't have to catch the bus, Tod would give me a ride home. Tod sort of learned initiative and I was able to finally get over Cole. I went home for the summer and accidentally made Tod think we were still dating. When I came back, I found out what love feels like. Tod felt the desire to finally get out of debt and start preparations for when he finally got a family of his own.
The reason for this is that as soon as I found out that I was in love with Tod, I didn't really feel the need to continue at BYU anymore, and after Tod left, homesickness was much worse, and it was increasingly difficult to go to class.
For Tod--he went to Utah for Mary and Drew's wedding almost exactly two years ago and didn't get the clear from Heavenly Father to leave until fall of 2008 after he got some self-confidence and ready to face his past.


In my two years since leaving home, I have learned that there is a point to saving money, I can be responsible for myself, I am over Cole and have learned what love is, I learned that there is no way I could survive happily outside of the south, I am in no way University material, I love my brother-in-law, John, and how he treats Heidi, I like being fit, and manual labor suits me.

One of my friends called the other day and while we were catching up, he recommended that I go to a Technical college and major in plumbing. He makes me laugh. ...even though that suits me a lot better than any university major I looked at.


In other words--I had to do my growing up somewhere, might as well do it somewhere that it would do some good

not wanting to change and fit in

The more time I spend away from the South, the less I want to invest anything anywhere else. With Utah, there was no chance I'd stay, but California... is similar in ways that remind me of the subtle difference and make me want to go home as fast as I can so that I can date comfortably b/c I know that whoever's there probably won't mind still living in the South or at least somewhere in the east coast. Making friends, even. I don't really want ties to California. I want to go east and stay there

...and getting my accent back would be absolutely fantastic

TEA Party

T.E.A. - Taxed Enough Already

So I went to the Sacramento Tea Party the other day. On the most part, they didn't say much (lots of repeating and reemphasizing previous points), but what they did say, I was excited about. Some of the signs were pretty clever, too. My favorite:

(Help me, Mr Obama, they want me to work and stuff)

I absolutely loved it! A lot of things that they said made me want to do research of my own and form my own opinion. The main point was that the government is far too large and our taxes are ridiculous. Another sign that I liked but unfortunately don't have a picture for said this: "The government with the power to give you everything you want also has the power to take everything you have." I don't know how other people felt growing up, but when I learned about the Civil War (or the "American Revolution" in 1776, for that matter), I considered the feasibility of rebellions in this day and age. I realized that if the government owns everything, then you need to have your own farmland to support yourself. There are so many insidious ways that the government has control over whether we rebel or not (completely my opinion, that wasn't said at the rally). When I went to the rally and heard others speaking about how we were heading towards socialism and realized that my random opinions weren't isolated things, it was pretty cool.

I was unaware that President Obama said that our constitution "is fundamentally flawed." I was incredibly upset to find out that those words came from the man supposed to be leading our country. Leading it where? ...Change.

Thomas Jefferson's quote of "The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not" showed up on not a few protest signs.

This guy spoke and he's a conservative Republican. I really really liked the stuff that he said. Go to his site and watch his first couple videos. Watch out, he's really passionate about his views.
http://www.youtube.com/user/machosauceproduction
That is, if you want to. I just liked him 'cause he was funny and interesting.

What I got from conference:

Job had it worse than us
I am my own version of a GPS =)
Temples are great places to be

and

the apocalypse is coming soon. I know it ;)


Btw, conference was amazing. I love our prophet--Thomas S. Monson is super-cool and I feel so loved when he speaks

I think about Tod too much

I'll be taking a brief sabbatical... =)

I have an idea for a project

Basically, I'm tired of complaining when it feels like bragging, like "something this bad happened to me and I lived through it!" Ugh.

So I want to write down all my memories and reactions and whatever else I've got rattling around in my brain and make it into some kind of a novelette. I think I'll decide on whether or not to let people read it afterwards. It's mostly for my benefit. I think it's a pretty terrible predicament to not even have a good idea of my characteristics. I know outward things, like I act ADD and have a couple OCD tendencies, but I feel like I have no idea about my deeper characteristics, like, am I a vicious person in my core? or am I a sweetheart? Both characteristics have shown up, and I have a tendency towards believing that I'm sweet, but I haven't ever made a self-evaluation, and I think that now's the perfect time because I have no job and I'm also not going to school, so I have absolutely nothing else on the schedule.

EDIT: It's more of the why's of my personality that I am fuzzy with. Using my therapy from last semester, I know that it helps a ton with controlling my mood to know why I am feeling my emotions. I guess what I'm saying is that I feel the need to understand the whys of my emotions and, after that, to change for the better

Reading old posts, I realize...

...I am a complete sap

Why am I so masochistic? I complain and complain and then I RE-READ my posts and feel it all over again, but with a slightly different perspective.


I think I'll be leaving California a lot earlier than planned. I'm tired of living in a culture of richer ppl. Not that California is actually richer, just that the people's lifestyle has created a snobbish type culture. I want to go back to the south, where we've been poor ever since the civil war. I love our down to earth culture. I also want to be around black people who grew up in the south. That is one amazing culture...

Heidi and John's apartment contract (or w/e it is) runs out sometime this summer. I'm thinking that maybe if I've earned lots of money by then (like enough to buy a pickup truck with lots of savings to spare), I think it would be a fun kind of an adventure to drive across america while I'm still single and can have such adventures =D. We'll see how much that plan comes into fruition later.

EDIT: the lease runs out in august

Love

I am in love with being in love and being loved.

It makes it difficult to be honest with people who like me and to tell them that they shouldn't lavish their time on me b/c there will be no benefits to them. It's so much more enjoyable to allow them to love me... Except now, I feel somewhat of a conscience about it, now that I've figured out that you date someone because you like them, not just because of wanting to be loved.

Being in love is a wonderful feeling. I'm finding myself wanting to be in love again, but the only person I've had that experience with, I'm realizing more and more that it probably wouldn't work out.


Also, I've realized that I barely know myself.

Food

My intestines have been complaining about how half the edibles I consumed yesterday were marshmallows. I can't imagine why...

Life comes at you from unexpected angles

This past week, I've been grossed out by boys. Wishing I could cuddle, but couldn't imagine cuddling with anyone specific without being repulsed. I even threw out the stuffed animal that I identified as male. Luckily I still have my female reindeer to cuddle with.

A random question in a survey I was taking this morning asked, "Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?" I was taken completely by surprise that it actually provoked thought. Would I like to kiss Tod again? I was even more surprised (because of this week's feelings, especially) when I realized that my answer was, "Most definitely"

If he would get his act together and go back to being the guy who I fell in love with, I would undoubtedly take him back.

Sadly enough, he is not the guy I fell in love with anymore. I've accepted that, and I cried a lot over it during last semester. I was pretty much done crying by the time anyone found out about the major problems I'd been having. I hadn't even fully realized it myself why I was so upset until later.

A look back at my exes:
Cole - very fun while it lasted and he got me out of my 4 year depression. However, lately, he's shown me his true colors and I don't really ever mind never talking or seeing him again
Cameron - the truth of the matter is, I didn't really like him in the first place. Sure, he was a fun person to be around, but I never really felt anything when we were together. I dated him because I wanted him to realize that he wasn't unattractive.
Erik - What I learned from him is to NEVER date guys who are more immature than you are. Especially if they haven't gotten over their abusive past
Tod round 1 - I was reluctant to date him. However, I liked kissing and so did he. He was also very capable of giving me time away from my terrible roommates
Jason - Andy introduced us to each other via double date. Jason and I decided to have a "fling" and just have fun over the summer while we were both in the general area. He left and started dating someone else. He did teach me something, though. Tell yourself something enough, and you will eventually believe it, no matter what your first impression was.
Tod round 2 - When we first dated, I avoided truly looking at his face b/c I didn't find him classically attractive, but this time, I found his face absolutely fascinating and I could barely take my eyes off of him. There are several songs that remind me of him. I knew that he'd do his best to take care of me and he would never ever disrespect me, no matter what kind of jokes he made about how small I am or w/e else it was that he would tease me about. There was one time while we were talking outside the Hunt's house that he started telling me about how he almost bought me a ring and I told him that if he did, I would accept it.
Tod long distance - I didn't believe him when he sent me a text in the middle of October's sunday morning conference. My roommates asked me every time before I saw Tod that if I got a ring, they'd better get to find out immediately. The entire semester, I thought he was dating me, and he thought that we were just really good friends. I was finally able to get it through my head after seeing him over Thanksgiving break. I also had to realize that he wasn't the ideal guy and he wasn't treating me well at all.

I'd always felt like I could take any of my exes back except for Erik (after our breakup fiasco, that is - before that, I thought I could take him back, too). However, it was more of an "I don't care, so I might as well give them some motivation to work on cleaning up their act" and not an "I want to date you because I like you." Tod's different. I want that feeling I had while we were dating in those first couple weeks of September to come back.

If that's impossible, and it can't ever happen again with him, please let me have that feeling again with someone else. I never truly realized how deeply I was in love until that survey question.

Popularity

(wow, it's been a lot longer than I thought it would be till my next post...)

I was one unpopular kid when I was growing up. Homeschool didn't really socialize me very well at all. Eventually, in 8th grade when I joined the Marching Band, I found a place that I would just about always fit in and I was able to jump start that by being friends with Heidi's friends (who also were seniors, elevating my coolness drastically)

So now, it is WEIRD to be popular.

For example: This summer, a crazy guy proposed to me, 2 people said they'd love to have me in their family (by marrying their relative), and I also was dating someone. It was a novel experience and I was very flattered ...but it wasn't truly unsettling at that point.

Now that I've gotten a more realistic view on dating and such things, it is a whole new kettle of fish.
Case no. 1 - My psychologically abusive ex is very immature, but he's just started back with talking to me and asking for advice. I hate almost every minute of it, but I'm so bored that I listen to his problems and give advice when it's called for, so that if he gets to be a better person, so much the better.
Case no. 2 - The guy I dated this summer whom I had a temporary recent idealization of, told me today that I'm different from all the other girls he liked. Sure, when we first started dating, yeah, but it became something a little more than lust after knowing each other for a while. I have no idea how to react to that. On one hand, I'm extremely flattered, but on the other, I am very suspicious
Case no. 3 - Back in last semester, I thought I was gonna be married this summer. Now I'm just thankful that our friendship didn't get ruined by our breakup.
Case no. 4 - I had a dream with Cole how he was back when we dated, but then he changed and became the current Cole: quite sleazy and not just a little worldy. Oh, and over Christmas break, he told me that he wouldn't mind trusting me with his life.
Case no. 5 - My flirting buddy at BYU who also happens to be Japanese (I originally met him b/c he was our class TA) has randomly sent me texts or fb chat messages to tell me that he misses me and when he goes to Sacramento to visit family, can he come see me. I have a feeling that he's just a little more serious than he used to be when all we did was just randomly extol the virtues of the other and give each other virtual hugs and such.
Case no. 6 - Sort of off-subject, but whatever: I've been watching an anime lately (One Piece) and there's a chat thing beside the video, so I figured, "Why not?" and started talking on it as sentoryuu42 (don't worry, there's not a real pic of me--just an anime character). The virtual food and hugs as byproducts of noncommittal flirting are really fun. On the whole, it's a pretty fun chat room. I love being called sentory for short on there...

I'm flattered, but I don't think I like it... It makes me nervous. Too much history of short-lived happinesses, I guess.

On the other hand, I am dying to know what on earth makes me so special and different. Is it my particular way of doing things? Am I just true-life where others aren't? Or is it my zany personality? Or confidence?
The questions keep going on and on along that same line of thought... It feels like a masochistic fascination, though, because I feel like if I ask the guys why they feel like that, then it'll be interpreted as acceptance of their feelings and they'll think that I want to date.

I don't really expect you guys to know why this phenomenon is happening, but my curiosity is nigh unbearable right now. I just had to write something about it =)

How far for a friend?

Holy wow I miss my friends from back home.

I wish I could be around my friends in South Carolina. Especially the guy who was my best friend for my first year at BYU because he was an insomniac and I was terminally homesick. Talking to him last night was absolutely heartbreaking because his life has deviated so far from where he was in high school and he was drunk as a skunk. When I wasn't heartbroken, I was wanting to roundhouse kick him and hopefully that would knock some sense into him.

I wish I could save people from making mistakes. I want it so bad.

I feel alone out here. I feel unnecessary and like I'm needed elsewhere, like South Carolina, where one of my friends is floundering in self-pity.


I think that one of my worst qualities is a willingness to do too much for a friend to the point that I make sacrifices that cut into my personal well-being. I also occasionally expect the same in return and am a little hurt when it doesn't happen. That corollary doesn't really effect me much, though. I don't usually expect of others what I expect of myself. Anyways, I wish that I wasn't tempted to do anything suggested or whatever comes to mind when I see a friend in need. Hurting myself when trying to help a friend is detrimental and only moves the pain instead of alleviating it. Or... alleviating it in one person and shifting it to myself. Dame (DAH-may) desu nee? (Bad situation, huh?)

Dame = bad, no good, useless, helpless


Oyasumi nasai! (goodnight)
...even though it's morning for just about all my readers - ohayoo gozaimasu (good morning)

My ideal pet

I have wanted a dog. Part of my most well-fleshed out fantasy for the future is to be able to buy myself a trailer home or something in a rural area with few neighbors and to get a dog who is devoted to me and will be a good companion and protector.


Isn't it beautiful? Rottweilers get a bad name because so many people neglect and abuse them so that the dog will become the epitome of a violent and effective guard dog. They are bred to have a strong protective instinct, and can be very loving and capable of being around general public if their puppy years are gone about correctly and the dog is properly socialized and loved.

A loyal dog to lavish my attentions on is kinda one of my fantasies that I entertain now and again.

Random Happinesses

For people who haven't been around me while I'm driving or being a pedestrian, you probably don't know: I HATE pedestrians. When I am a pedestrian, I hate myself when I inconvenience the drivers. The thing that cracked me up today, though, was while I was being a pedestrian, I was annoyed at OTHER pedestrians. Haha! I caught myself thinking, "Why can't they just get out of my way? That is so inconsiderate! They should not be using this sidewalk." That is when I started to laugh at myself. Then I started to think, "Wouldn't it be nice if NOBODY was on the sidewalk besides me? Man, that'd be sweet!" I love my internal dialogue. Really and truly.

I made myself a resume last night so that I can go to the Sacramento Theatre Center today to talk about a possible internship. That would be so amazing... I want it so bad. Even if it does mean a 20-minute commute every day. It sure does pay well (everything in California does), and I would hate to work retail or in the food industry. I just printed it up and it looks fantastic. That might just be my particular quirks, but whatever.

I browsed through a cousin's blog today. She throws in random japanese words quite liberally. It kinda makes me want to do the same, except I recognize the fact that none of my readers know any japanese whatsoever. Except Aunt Lois
so, without further ado:
Kowai-scary, terrifying
Kawaii-cute, adorable
I think it's really fun to note the difference in two such similar-sounding words

The Hard Truth

After telling many people that I broke up with Tod for good, they've always seemed to have the same reaction: to tell me that life goes on and there are more fish in the sea--an optional part of this was that I'm still young and have lots of life ahead of me. It drove home the fact that I am a bad communicator. I will now try to communicate the truth of what happened by starting with when we became an 'us' at the end of march in 2008:

I was still on a rebound from Cole. That's right--I didn't have a rebound with just one guy after my first relationship ended, I had 3 rebound relationships. I was tired of being single and completely shallow when Tod decided to make his move. He didn't come close to my ideal, but he was cuddly and affectionate. I didn't really want to be in the relationship. There were times when he did the nicest things that just pulled my heartstrings and I felt my inadequacies and guilt for how I was using him. I couldn't wait to go home for the summer, because it would be my ready-made excuse to break up with him. He wanted to keep dating and I never wanted to be in the relationship in the first place. Tod was a very, very good friend. I wanted him to date someone nicer than me. I also found him a bit boring... :(

I never expected to date Tod again. I had escaped by going home and I figured that that was the end of it. I came back, and had Tod give me a ride to Wal-Mart that weekend (yes, I know I was a complete jerk) so that I could stock up on groceries and everything I'd need for that upcoming semester. I felt nothing when I saw him.

I had stayed up very, very late on Sunday, and when I noticed that all of my roommates were asleep (of course they were, it was 4am), so I decided that I could pray out loud and take my time about it. I happened to mention Tod and was immediately flooded with the knowledge that I was in love with him. What? Where did that come from? Why would the Lord tell me that? I felt huge regret for how I'd treated Tod for the last 6 months. I ended up planning to ask him to institute on that thursday (I was hoping for a re-do of our botched relationship). We ended up seeing each other on Wednesday and every day after that


This was taken on a Sunday after we went to the Johnson's house after my pseudo-niece, Sierra, had her baby blessing. Man, we had so much fun playing off of each other...

Anyways, he got a job offer in California, and so he decided to take it because it paid so well and he was motivated to get out of debt. We talked about jewelry before he left and I expressed my preferences.

Sunday morning session of conference in October, he texted, asking if I trusted him. I examined my feelings and had a realization--I didn't. I don't completely trust anyone--and that includes myself. I told him that I didn't fully trust him, and so he said that he wanted to break up because only people who have trust can love each other. I was completely shocked and had no idea how to react--so I told him that I would follow his lead.

It felt like he had forgotten, because nothing changed--we still talked constantly about whatever was on our minds. I got comfortable with the fact that we were dating long-distance. I visited Heidi and John 3 times during that semester. Each time, I was disappointed because he had told himself that it was best if we weren't "dating" except that it only came out when I was local and he wouldn't come near me or talk to me. I tried to limit the phone calls after my visits, but I got talked out of it and I went back to thinking we were dating.

Thanksgiving break was the absolute worst. Before Tod left Utah, he expressed his desire to see me while he was in California during Thanksgiving break and kept telling me how 3 or 4 months weren't really that much time. Reality was different. I had to give him an ultimatum--to date me or not date me--he asked for time to think about it. With less than 5 minutes before I left his presence at the end of break, he finally answered me and let me know that he would like to date. I was happy about this for a while, but ended up deciding that it was a horrible way to live, so I broke up with him... for the 3rd time that semester.

He flew me out to California the weekend before finals started and he talked me into dating him again. When I wasn't around him, I realized what a ridiculous thing that it was, and told him we should break up (fall semester breakup #4). I went home and talked to some friends from High School and did my best to forget everything about Tod. During that time, I told him it would be unfair for me to move on in my life without telling him to also do so. It was surprisingly easy to make the psychological switch. Telling him that I needed someone who was more active in church was hard, though. Telling him goodbye didn't have me shedding any tears, but that conversation about his church habits had me spouting the waterworks.

I saw him about a week after I got into California. That was the test to see if I was really over him. I found one thing that I had forgotten. I needed to stop being fascinated with his face. Considering the other possibilities, I thought that I had gotten off pretty easily. Breaking a habit of staring at his face will probably be pretty easy. If he can handle it, maybe we can start being nothing but friends again.

Maybe I wasn't in the right kind of love with him, maybe I was. It's kind of a relief to be out of that situation with all of the uncertainties and constant heartbreak.

I probably ended up being redundant in some places, and vague in others, but on the most part--dragging on and on without getting to the point. Oh well. THIS is the situation. I have left out things in all of my recountings up till now--hopefully I didn't leave anything important out. It is understandable for people to get the wrong idea. I am a terrible communicator. My talent lies in listening and allowing people to unload their problems on me. I like that role. That is how I am most equipped to help people with dealing with stuff that comes up in their lives.

Questions are allowed, and observations--I would like to make sense of what happened. Sympathy will continue to be ignored ;)

25 Interesting Things About Me

(copied from my facebook--the tagging is unnecessary here)

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.


1. I avoid physical activity like the plague, but passionately love practical styles of martial arts

2. I won't ever admit it out loud, but I love being tickled

3. I am scared of strangers. The younger they are, the more intense this feeling becomes. (Middle-aged people, I have almost no problem with, but 10-year-olds absolutely terrify me)

4. I find people of different ethnicities to be more attractive than whites

5. I am almost guaranteed to get lost when going somewhere by myself for the first time

6. My favorite genre is that of fairy tales and such that end in a happy ending

7. With very very few exceptions, I am always cold because my body produces heat without retaining it

8. My heart simply melts when I am around a guy who is nice and displays good manners constantly

9. I squeal very rarely. Maybe two or even three times it was because someone tickled me and took me completely by surprise. The other time was when I found a giant beetle and the person supposed to kill it wasn't very effective & it started flying around the room

10. I love summertime. I am one of the rare people who can stand the heat and loves humidity

11. I was the biggest crybaby anyone has ever encountered up until I went to public school in 4th grade. Until I was able to grow a spine of my own, my best friend, Solonda Wesley, protected me

12. Yelling terrifies me, whether or not I am involved in the situation

13. My last year at home, I truly wondered about my sanity

14. I was in Marching Band from 8th grade all the way to my senior year. It was my therapy

15. I constantly felt inadequate while growing up and that no matter what I was good at, someone was always better and more noticeable than I was

16. I am not a romantic. None of that "destined to be together" stuff here.

17. I am hugely easy to distract. Only reading has been known to be important enough to me to block everything else out. Doing anything else, however...

18. I am very comfortable with myself and what I look like, but I am always very surprised when I get a compliment

19. I love water very much. Waterfalls of any size are my favorite

20. I read any child communication book that I can get my hands on

21. One of my favorite hobbies is working on jigsaw puzzles. Especially ones with different shades of the same color &/or different textures to look at

22. I have always wanted a punching bag.

23. I constantly have an internal commentary going on about what and who is around me

24. I read a book that mentioned people hiding parts of their souls from themselves and while reading it, I decided that that was the easiest way to hide my feelings from others. Ever since, it was really difficult for me to know how I really felt about something besides my public face

25. I hate breakfast food, except for pancakes and sausage

Martial Arts

I did a year and a half of Shiseikai Karate. It is Okinawan, and therefore, somewhat traditional, somewhat violent (only a little more violent is the more well-known, Kyuokushin), and very, very fun. I am a violent little whirlwind and I therefore adored the pace of this particular branch of karate with all of the bruises that came with it. It was a huge sense of accomplishment to know different ways to beat attackers into the dirt without getting very involved. I loved learning how to do several different self-defense moves. It probably comes from a Chihuahua complex of being smaller than everybody and Mom forcibly reminding me of it on her bad days.

There was a Kung Fu (chinese for martial arts) place probably 2 or 3 blocks from the apartment, so I went there this morning for a "sample" lesson. It was AMAZING! I have decided that I adore any kind of martial art that has me doing things that start out complicated, but with practice, I get used to it and it becomes second nature to do things like so. I am completely pumped about this and while I am in this good mood, I think I'll write some letters to one of the few guys I got to know well enough before his mission that I could condescend to write him and also to write one of my ARMY friends who left the united states on Dec 10 and is now stationed in Iraq.

Zya nee! (see ya-ish)
Hannah

drifting in limbo as a homeless person

My logic is still a bit skewed and last night I was a wondering if I was a man-eater as a result of a couple texts from two guys. I've realized I'm really not very ready for a purple belt and it is much more likely to just achieve a blue belt, especially since our instructor recommended me to our black belt as aspiring to a blue...

Nevertheless, life is much better. Just a separation from Mom is allowing me to get back to how I was before Christmas break. I'm in much better spirits and finally am feeling cheerful again. I've been putting a lot of thought into it and I've realized that I want to live like a hermit for a while. Too bad I can't afford it.

I spent the weekend in the apartment living in a corner of the living room, then on Monday afternoon, the Hunts came and picked me up and I've been staying with them and coming to the library on campus when I can for computer and internet access. Also, I've read the interesting looking books they've got there... they never really unpacked all of their stuff since their last move, I think.

More reading fantasy, napping, and practicing kata for karate is definitely in order at least until saturday

My train ticket has me leaving Salt Lake on Tuesday night and getting into Sacramento on Wednesday afternoon