I was still on a rebound from Cole. That's right--I didn't have a rebound with just one guy after my first relationship ended, I had 3 rebound relationships. I was tired of being single and completely shallow when Tod decided to make his move. He didn't come close to my ideal, but he was cuddly and affectionate. I didn't really want to be in the relationship. There were times when he did the nicest things that just pulled my heartstrings and I felt my inadequacies and guilt for how I was using him. I couldn't wait to go home for the summer, because it would be my ready-made excuse to break up with him. He wanted to keep dating and I never wanted to be in the relationship in the first place. Tod was a very, very good friend. I wanted him to date someone nicer than me. I also found him a bit boring... :(
I never expected to date Tod again. I had escaped by going home and I figured that that was the end of it. I came back, and had Tod give me a ride to Wal-Mart that weekend (yes, I know I was a complete jerk) so that I could stock up on groceries and everything I'd need for that upcoming semester. I felt nothing when I saw him.
I had stayed up very, very late on Sunday, and when I noticed that all of my roommates were asleep (of course they were, it was 4am), so I decided that I could pray out loud and take my time about it. I happened to mention Tod and was immediately flooded with the knowledge that I was in love with him. What? Where did that come from? Why would the Lord tell me that? I felt huge regret for how I'd treated Tod for the last 6 months. I ended up planning to ask him to institute on that thursday (I was hoping for a re-do of our botched relationship). We ended up seeing each other on Wednesday and every day after that
This was taken on a Sunday after we went to the Johnson's house after my pseudo-niece, Sierra, had her baby blessing. Man, we had so much fun playing off of each other...Anyways, he got a job offer in California, and so he decided to take it because it paid so well and he was motivated to get out of debt. We talked about jewelry before he left and I expressed my preferences.
Sunday morning session of conference in October, he texted, asking if I trusted him. I examined my feelings and had a realization--I didn't. I don't completely trust anyone--and that includes myself. I told him that I didn't fully trust him, and so he said that he wanted to break up because only people who have trust can love each other. I was completely shocked and had no idea how to react--so I told him that I would follow his lead.
It felt like he had forgotten, because nothing changed--we still talked constantly about whatever was on our minds. I got comfortable with the fact that we were dating long-distance. I visited Heidi and John 3 times during that semester. Each time, I was disappointed because he had told himself that it was best if we weren't "dating" except that it only came out when I was local and he wouldn't come near me or talk to me. I tried to limit the phone calls after my visits, but I got talked out of it and I went back to thinking we were dating.
Thanksgiving break was the absolute worst. Before Tod left Utah, he expressed his desire to see me while he was in California during Thanksgiving break and kept telling me how 3 or 4 months weren't really that much time. Reality was different. I had to give him an ultimatum--to date me or not date me--he asked for time to think about it. With less than 5 minutes before I left his presence at the end of break, he finally answered me and let me know that he would like to date. I was happy about this for a while, but ended up deciding that it was a horrible way to live, so I broke up with him... for the 3rd time that semester.
He flew me out to California the weekend before finals started and he talked me into dating him again. When I wasn't around him, I realized what a ridiculous thing that it was, and told him we should break up (fall semester breakup #4). I went home and talked to some friends from High School and did my best to forget everything about Tod. During that time, I told him it would be unfair for me to move on in my life without telling him to also do so. It was surprisingly easy to make the psychological switch. Telling him that I needed someone who was more active in church was hard, though. Telling him goodbye didn't have me shedding any tears, but that conversation about his church habits had me spouting the waterworks.
I saw him about a week after I got into California. That was the test to see if I was really over him. I found one thing that I had forgotten. I needed to stop being fascinated with his face. Considering the other possibilities, I thought that I had gotten off pretty easily. Breaking a habit of staring at his face will probably be pretty easy. If he can handle it, maybe we can start being nothing but friends again.
Maybe I wasn't in the right kind of love with him, maybe I was. It's kind of a relief to be out of that situation with all of the uncertainties and constant heartbreak.
I probably ended up being redundant in some places, and vague in others, but on the most part--dragging on and on without getting to the point. Oh well. THIS is the situation. I have left out things in all of my recountings up till now--hopefully I didn't leave anything important out. It is understandable for people to get the wrong idea. I am a terrible communicator. My talent lies in listening and allowing people to unload their problems on me. I like that role. That is how I am most equipped to help people with dealing with stuff that comes up in their lives.
Questions are allowed, and observations--I would like to make sense of what happened. Sympathy will continue to be ignored ;)
1 comment:
It's good to know the whole story. I'm still confused as to what you want. In some ways I feel that's because you're confused about what you want. I still contend that you deserve better than what he's been willing to give.
It seems to me things started falling apart when you said you didn't fully trust him.
Fine. You said you don't fully trust him. I don't see where he's given you reason to fully trust him. Of course, that is a pre-requisite for a lasting relationship, but it's not the only one. Compassion and understanding are needed too, as well as a long list of other things.
My sympathy is still there even though it will be ignored. :)
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