...I am a complete sap
Why am I so masochistic? I complain and complain and then I RE-READ my posts and feel it all over again, but with a slightly different perspective.
I think I'll be leaving California a lot earlier than planned. I'm tired of living in a culture of richer ppl. Not that California is actually richer, just that the people's lifestyle has created a snobbish type culture. I want to go back to the south, where we've been poor ever since the civil war. I love our down to earth culture. I also want to be around black people who grew up in the south. That is one amazing culture...
Heidi and John's apartment contract (or w/e it is) runs out sometime this summer. I'm thinking that maybe if I've earned lots of money by then (like enough to buy a pickup truck with lots of savings to spare), I think it would be a fun kind of an adventure to drive across america while I'm still single and can have such adventures =D. We'll see how much that plan comes into fruition later.
EDIT: the lease runs out in august
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Love
I am in love with being in love and being loved.
It makes it difficult to be honest with people who like me and to tell them that they shouldn't lavish their time on me b/c there will be no benefits to them. It's so much more enjoyable to allow them to love me... Except now, I feel somewhat of a conscience about it, now that I've figured out that you date someone because you like them, not just because of wanting to be loved.
Being in love is a wonderful feeling. I'm finding myself wanting to be in love again, but the only person I've had that experience with, I'm realizing more and more that it probably wouldn't work out.
Also, I've realized that I barely know myself.
It makes it difficult to be honest with people who like me and to tell them that they shouldn't lavish their time on me b/c there will be no benefits to them. It's so much more enjoyable to allow them to love me... Except now, I feel somewhat of a conscience about it, now that I've figured out that you date someone because you like them, not just because of wanting to be loved.
Being in love is a wonderful feeling. I'm finding myself wanting to be in love again, but the only person I've had that experience with, I'm realizing more and more that it probably wouldn't work out.
Also, I've realized that I barely know myself.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Food
My intestines have been complaining about how half the edibles I consumed yesterday were marshmallows. I can't imagine why...
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Life comes at you from unexpected angles
This past week, I've been grossed out by boys. Wishing I could cuddle, but couldn't imagine cuddling with anyone specific without being repulsed. I even threw out the stuffed animal that I identified as male. Luckily I still have my female reindeer to cuddle with.
A random question in a survey I was taking this morning asked, "Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?" I was taken completely by surprise that it actually provoked thought. Would I like to kiss Tod again? I was even more surprised (because of this week's feelings, especially) when I realized that my answer was, "Most definitely"
If he would get his act together and go back to being the guy who I fell in love with, I would undoubtedly take him back.
Sadly enough, he is not the guy I fell in love with anymore. I've accepted that, and I cried a lot over it during last semester. I was pretty much done crying by the time anyone found out about the major problems I'd been having. I hadn't even fully realized it myself why I was so upset until later.
A look back at my exes:
Cole - very fun while it lasted and he got me out of my 4 year depression. However, lately, he's shown me his true colors and I don't really ever mind never talking or seeing him again
Cameron - the truth of the matter is, I didn't really like him in the first place. Sure, he was a fun person to be around, but I never really felt anything when we were together. I dated him because I wanted him to realize that he wasn't unattractive.
Erik - What I learned from him is to NEVER date guys who are more immature than you are. Especially if they haven't gotten over their abusive past
Tod round 1 - I was reluctant to date him. However, I liked kissing and so did he. He was also very capable of giving me time away from my terrible roommates
Jason - Andy introduced us to each other via double date. Jason and I decided to have a "fling" and just have fun over the summer while we were both in the general area. He left and started dating someone else. He did teach me something, though. Tell yourself something enough, and you will eventually believe it, no matter what your first impression was.
Tod round 2 - When we first dated, I avoided truly looking at his face b/c I didn't find him classically attractive, but this time, I found his face absolutely fascinating and I could barely take my eyes off of him. There are several songs that remind me of him. I knew that he'd do his best to take care of me and he would never ever disrespect me, no matter what kind of jokes he made about how small I am or w/e else it was that he would tease me about. There was one time while we were talking outside the Hunt's house that he started telling me about how he almost bought me a ring and I told him that if he did, I would accept it.
Tod long distance - I didn't believe him when he sent me a text in the middle of October's sunday morning conference. My roommates asked me every time before I saw Tod that if I got a ring, they'd better get to find out immediately. The entire semester, I thought he was dating me, and he thought that we were just really good friends. I was finally able to get it through my head after seeing him over Thanksgiving break. I also had to realize that he wasn't the ideal guy and he wasn't treating me well at all.
I'd always felt like I could take any of my exes back except for Erik (after our breakup fiasco, that is - before that, I thought I could take him back, too). However, it was more of an "I don't care, so I might as well give them some motivation to work on cleaning up their act" and not an "I want to date you because I like you." Tod's different. I want that feeling I had while we were dating in those first couple weeks of September to come back.
If that's impossible, and it can't ever happen again with him, please let me have that feeling again with someone else. I never truly realized how deeply I was in love until that survey question.
A random question in a survey I was taking this morning asked, "Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?" I was taken completely by surprise that it actually provoked thought. Would I like to kiss Tod again? I was even more surprised (because of this week's feelings, especially) when I realized that my answer was, "Most definitely"
If he would get his act together and go back to being the guy who I fell in love with, I would undoubtedly take him back.
Sadly enough, he is not the guy I fell in love with anymore. I've accepted that, and I cried a lot over it during last semester. I was pretty much done crying by the time anyone found out about the major problems I'd been having. I hadn't even fully realized it myself why I was so upset until later.
A look back at my exes:
Cole - very fun while it lasted and he got me out of my 4 year depression. However, lately, he's shown me his true colors and I don't really ever mind never talking or seeing him again
Cameron - the truth of the matter is, I didn't really like him in the first place. Sure, he was a fun person to be around, but I never really felt anything when we were together. I dated him because I wanted him to realize that he wasn't unattractive.
Erik - What I learned from him is to NEVER date guys who are more immature than you are. Especially if they haven't gotten over their abusive past
Tod round 1 - I was reluctant to date him. However, I liked kissing and so did he. He was also very capable of giving me time away from my terrible roommates
Jason - Andy introduced us to each other via double date. Jason and I decided to have a "fling" and just have fun over the summer while we were both in the general area. He left and started dating someone else. He did teach me something, though. Tell yourself something enough, and you will eventually believe it, no matter what your first impression was.
Tod round 2 - When we first dated, I avoided truly looking at his face b/c I didn't find him classically attractive, but this time, I found his face absolutely fascinating and I could barely take my eyes off of him. There are several songs that remind me of him. I knew that he'd do his best to take care of me and he would never ever disrespect me, no matter what kind of jokes he made about how small I am or w/e else it was that he would tease me about. There was one time while we were talking outside the Hunt's house that he started telling me about how he almost bought me a ring and I told him that if he did, I would accept it.
Tod long distance - I didn't believe him when he sent me a text in the middle of October's sunday morning conference. My roommates asked me every time before I saw Tod that if I got a ring, they'd better get to find out immediately. The entire semester, I thought he was dating me, and he thought that we were just really good friends. I was finally able to get it through my head after seeing him over Thanksgiving break. I also had to realize that he wasn't the ideal guy and he wasn't treating me well at all.
I'd always felt like I could take any of my exes back except for Erik (after our breakup fiasco, that is - before that, I thought I could take him back, too). However, it was more of an "I don't care, so I might as well give them some motivation to work on cleaning up their act" and not an "I want to date you because I like you." Tod's different. I want that feeling I had while we were dating in those first couple weeks of September to come back.
If that's impossible, and it can't ever happen again with him, please let me have that feeling again with someone else. I never truly realized how deeply I was in love until that survey question.
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