It's official!

I created a blog and everything! I even made a post.

TamingtheCrazy.blogspot.com

I have a new blog and this is my last post on this one :)

Moving?

I am contemplating a move. I think my life is getting to a point that is about time to graduate from Bittersweet Musings and do something else.

Maybe Cheerful Thoughts. Or Life from this perspective.

Who knows? It just comes down to the fact that a lot of the stuff I have posted about (especially towards the beginning of this blog) aren't a part of my life anymore. I've simply grown a lot.


I'm just waiting for inspiration to hit me.

Wow

Life has really come together this past week. So many blessings and so much love. I re-read about half of my blog this morning and want to say some stuff.

In the 2nd half of my post, CA trip, I said that I didn't recognize the person I was and how it broke my heart. With how my life is going currently, I couldn't be happier and I would not give up my past in order to go back to that previous relationship. This one is so much better-suited to me and I am in such a great place, currently.

In Thank goodness I didn't get married (and have grown so much), I outlined things I didn't think I would've done while married or just that I was glad that I could do those things while single. SJ and I both are passionate about traveling and plan trips on a semi-regular basis. My background in construction and being a security guard led to my getting into the Vivint technician team, which is where I met SJ in the first place. Pet-sitting for Sophia is probably the deciding point in my job application to work at my current job in a dog kennel. I think being a dog trainer would be the most rewarding job ever and this job will (hopefully) at least help me along my way towards that goal. I now know that I can handle children (which I didn't, when dating Tod). This past weekend, I had a moment where I could see forgiving Mom as a complete possibility. Hasn't necessarily happened, but the fact that I could even think that when I thought I would at least have to be in my 40s to understand and forgive, is pretty impressive to me, in and of itself. This past month, I started individual therapy with group therapy and it has been amazing how much I feel has been done already with so much potential for more. SJ loves cruiser motorcycles, so I would probably still be able to ride a bike, but being in the driver's seat is always so fun. I don't know if I would've ever considered a cruiser without trying a sport or bullet bike first.

SJ and I have been dating a little over 5 months now. I know for a fact that I wouldn't have been able to make the progress that I did without his help. Simply his insistence on honesty, almost constant, in the beginning of our relationship--even if the honesty did hurt him, was helpful to staying on my path to improvement. His acceptance of who I am and the assertion that the atonement really does wipe away our mistakes is another reason. The combination of his desire for honesty and acceptance of me is definitely why I haven't slipped back into old habits formed in the longest and most unrelenting depression of my life. He is amazing and I love him for it. I am in love with him for it... XD

A Facebook status

First off, I have clinical depression (which means it has been here for YEARS with no sign of it ever going away) and we're starting to suspect that it's cyclical because we really can't trace the original trigger down and we're trying to figure out if it is just as regular as the start of a new week or not. There are times that I get a break. Depression strikes and leaves. Strikes and leaves.

With that out of the way, let me just give my thoughts on a particular facebook status that I saw from an acquaintance of mine. I simply could not believe it.

"One thing that really stinks about NOT having depression is you can't blame how you are feeling on it. I am having to admit my emotions and figure out why I'm feeling that way and then resolve them. Bleh! So much easier to say it's just depression! Being a grown up is hard! :)"

I can't believe how hurtful this is to me. It stinks to NOT have depression? Apparently, I -LOVE- flushing my mood down the toilet for several days or weeks at a time (Or in the case of 2010, almost the entire year). It must be such a privilege to have depression. Why am I wasting this opportunity? I should be using depression as an excuse for not living my life. Truly. Why wouldn't anyone be jealous of the temptation to disappear in a violent way that sometimes appears completely out of the blue, but, paradoxically, often enough that you know to expect it semi-frequently? Somehow, in this perspective, depression is the magical answer. In my particular case, the only way I can get any semblance of control is TO examine my feelings "and figure out why I'm feeling that way and then resolve them."

Also, at the end, the subtle implication that either all people who aren't adults are depressed and make excuses, or that the people who do say they have depression aren't grown-ups was just the icing on the shocking and hurtful cake.

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I don't know if this is more or less hurtful than the "just get over it" attitude that some people have. That somehow, just playing with a kitten or whatever other magic pill is going to do it and I just am too lazy or like the excuses too much to do anything about my depression.

Guess I'm just in shock and frustrated. And sleep deprived. And bitter, did I mention bitter?

=(

[EDIT: I moved the date around after I published it and am just now putting it back. I didn't want to delete this, but I also don't want it to be a commonly seen post] 
[EDIT 2: Apparently, that acquaintance has depression as well. If anything, that makes this post make LESS sense to me... My mind is completely boggled]

Hello Fear

For a while, I've been dancing around addressing my depression as it has flared up again. I've put some thought into it and I know that for me, fear is in my comfort zone. I know it. I'm familiar with it. It is a very old acquaintance of mine. This past week, I have felt fear and I almost don't want to fight it because it is easier to accept.

I was on an internet adventure this morning (of course) and rediscovered Kirk Franklin and stumbled across this video. It was just perfect.

Hello Fear - Kirk Franklin

(you need to listen to this song. Seriously)

Also, southern gospel music? How could I resist?