Feeling isolated is resonating with my past in a majorly uncomfortable way. It is harder and harder to not go crazy. Not the crazy you joke about or think is cute--the one that encourages destructive impulses and treating people around me bitterly.

It's not their fault. Just about my whole team is married or in a significant relationship and they (might) think that being friends with me while their significant other isn't around is not the best of ideas. I don't blame them--it's probably smart and a good way to keep the peace. I am just seeing more areas where I don't do well and am not very well-equipped to handle. Not even a month ago, I was talking to my younger brother and encouraging him to develop coping techniques for disappointments because disappointments are inevitable. I said in my conversation that I had developed a few techniques that had served me pretty well so far. This past week has sorely tested my assertion.

Don't get me wrong. I love my job. I really do. It's just this transition period where I don't have any friends that is getting to me.

I wanted to just comfort-food it up...

So earlier, I saw that someone had called me a mean name and I wanted to get depressed about it. However, the more I thought about it, and as much as I wanted to just have a good pity party, I only got angry.

What made me mad wasn't the name. If it had only been the mean-spirited name, I'd probably just be sad. It was the explanation behind it that got me. The explanation that I can't take people speaking the truth as they see it about me. The truth is, I can't take ppl speaking the truth as they see it about me when they are upset and angry and convinced that they are right and their logic is infallible and won't listen to any explanation (except their own) of what was going on. I probably won't be the first to admit I have faults, but I'll probably be at least the 2nd or 3rd and am definitely aware of my issues and working on them.

I have a minor pet peeve of people demanding that I be able to fly before I can even walk or jump. I have made SO MUCH progress since I started shutting out those comments/that advice. The ones demanding that I forgive before I am able in order to assuage their conscience, the ones who think that letting go of an abusive past is as easy as dropping a scalding hot pocket, a phone, a ball, a plate, or soap instead of the difficulty of removing something that's been surgically implanted (but harder b/c you can't see it or touch it)--The ones who ignore the progress I've made already and demand that I get over the more trivial issues (maybe not realizing that as a result, I'd have to ignore the larger, overlying issue that is causing the smaller issues in the first place), those are the most dangerous in my world.

Anyways < /rant >



EDIT:
I didn't stop being angry until I was looking at a picture of them and then clicking through, unwillingly remembering how blissfully happy I had been. Now -that's- something I miss. That and knowing that we probably won't ever be friends again because of how everything ended up turning out. Those are both heartbreaking.

Thank goodness I didn't get married

(and have grown so much)

This was written while I didn't have internet at my apartment:

(Btw, I made it here safe and sound on Sunday)

Talking to a co-worker and introducing them to the bare bones of my past, I talked about a bunch of things, but what got ME thinking was the reason I avoid chick flicks when and if at all possible—it got me down, so I watched MIB (yay for distractions) and I was able to distance myself enough through that so I could think logically without just needing a hug or at least a sad phone call to exactly the wrong person...

3 ½ years ago, if we hadn't broken up and I had gotten married, these are what I could've missed out on:

(Some can be done while married, but I might not be able to tell if it was all me)

--Road-trip and stayed in all kinds of crazy places

--2 years of construction and half a year of being a security guard/mall-cop

--This summer job doing installs for Vivint

--Multiple train rides

--Ability to sympathize with ppl having their heart shattered

--Would never have been Sophia's roommate or done any pet-sitting

--Never have lived with so many married couples

--Realize that I actually do like kids if they're not spoiled *shock*

--Realize that I am incapable of being okay with a child giving me attitude

--Taken psychology and child development classes (but still know that college is not for me)

--Making steady progress instead of maybe prematurely thinking I've gotten over Mom and focus all my anger somewhere else, thus making it harder to pinpoint

--Finally getting a handle on my bitterness and only losing patience at normal times, like when someone is sticking to their original beliefs/perceptions and ignoring all logic

--Drive a motorcycle

--Braid my hair on my own

--Learn to not only respect but love my body

--Take another shot at owning a car and trying to maintain it correctly

--Discover on my own that I truly despise cooking

--I am different from others in the way I enjoy exercise (though I am lazy)

--Realized that while I can certainly live somewhere besides the South, I truly cannot live without the ocean or travel on a regular basis

Planned & Taken Route

I'll be in SC til Friday, then I resume this trip. Gotta be in Virginia Beach with enough time to move in and get comfortable before work starts on Monday