I hate how I've been so gloomy lately. Usually I'm much more cheerful. Energy and happiness are my normal companions. One reason I'm so happy to go to California is because Heidi can say what needs to be said in a way that I will hear it. It won't be the oppressive atmosphere of being in a place that I know isn't good for me.
This blurb was prompted by Mom coming in the room while I was reading tonight and had me tell her about California. She is about as excited for me to live there as she is for Heidi & John, which is to say, not at all. After hearing that I broke up with Tod, she proceeded to tell me that there were many righteous women who wouldn't marry in this life and that I should read Preach My Gospel and plan on going on a mission. Yes, I have given more thought to serving a mission, but it's hard to take the insinuations of those statements--like telling me not to expect to ever have a relationship with love and fireworks like Renee and Travis have. I have come to the conclusion that while the south completely dominates my heart, I can't live here until I've shed my worst bad habits because with Mom around, it's the hardest thing to even get the courage to leave my room and subject myself to the possible insults Mom throws out when she catches me alone.
After our conversation, I felt like I was lower than the scum of the earth. Yes, some of the things she said were definitely true, but the spin that they had and what the words implied shouldn't have been there. My skin needs to be 1,000x thicker if I'm to live in this house
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
miscommunication
Dad is sure that I'm going to California in order to chase Tod. I have no idea who told him I was moving to California.
I don't want to correct him. I wanted to be able to present the facts my way instead of information leaking out when I was completely unaware. It's fine to disagree with me, but don't go over my head to do what you think is right. I will listen to advice as long as it's not shoved down my throat. There's no guarantee that I will follow advice, but there's also no guarantee that I won't. I have more information about the situation than anyone. I still don't know all, and I know that I don't--I am not as close-minded as I act, but when there are people taking the reins because they don't agree with my intended solution, it's hard. My solution and plan for telling Dad has been denied me.
Advice? What should I do? I don't want to go up to Dad and tell him that he's dead-wrong. I don't want to fight him about it, I know where I got my stubbornness from. It wasn't just Mom. How do I fix this?
EDIT:
I found out and talked to the person who told Dad. I still need ideas on how to deal, though
I don't want to correct him. I wanted to be able to present the facts my way instead of information leaking out when I was completely unaware. It's fine to disagree with me, but don't go over my head to do what you think is right. I will listen to advice as long as it's not shoved down my throat. There's no guarantee that I will follow advice, but there's also no guarantee that I won't. I have more information about the situation than anyone. I still don't know all, and I know that I don't--I am not as close-minded as I act, but when there are people taking the reins because they don't agree with my intended solution, it's hard. My solution and plan for telling Dad has been denied me.
Advice? What should I do? I don't want to go up to Dad and tell him that he's dead-wrong. I don't want to fight him about it, I know where I got my stubbornness from. It wasn't just Mom. How do I fix this?
EDIT:
I found out and talked to the person who told Dad. I still need ideas on how to deal, though
Thursday, December 18, 2008
counseling
This past wednesday, I had my last therapy session.
I was torn to pieces when I went in for counseling a month after school started. It was nice to be able to unload on someone who only listened. I've kinda decided that when I'm starting to go in that direction again, I'm going to sit someone down that I trust and tell them I need a therapist and don't say anything, just listen--it's okay to make sure you're understanding me, just no solutions. I'll come up with those on my own.
I think about Mom and want to rage and cry--to get a punching bag in a soundproof room and scream my head off while kicking and punching the tar out of that bag.
I don't want to go home tomorrow morning. I would love to see all my family and friends, but the price is so very high... I will try not to miss my flight (though the thought has crossed my mind several times tonight) and take a train to California instead
I might have learned to examine my feelings, but I am still in need of purging. A catharsis of sorts, possibly. There will probably be many before I can truly let go and forget
I was torn to pieces when I went in for counseling a month after school started. It was nice to be able to unload on someone who only listened. I've kinda decided that when I'm starting to go in that direction again, I'm going to sit someone down that I trust and tell them I need a therapist and don't say anything, just listen--it's okay to make sure you're understanding me, just no solutions. I'll come up with those on my own.
I think about Mom and want to rage and cry--to get a punching bag in a soundproof room and scream my head off while kicking and punching the tar out of that bag.
I don't want to go home tomorrow morning. I would love to see all my family and friends, but the price is so very high... I will try not to miss my flight (though the thought has crossed my mind several times tonight) and take a train to California instead
I might have learned to examine my feelings, but I am still in need of purging. A catharsis of sorts, possibly. There will probably be many before I can truly let go and forget
Monday, December 15, 2008
"The Future"
Reasons for
¨ Cheap tuition
› $200 for out-of-state
› $20 for in-state
¨ Out of funding - need to leave BYU to save up again
¨ Experience living with Heidi & John and feel comfortable doing it again, long term
Next Year’s plans:
¨ Internship
› Set Construction
› Publicity?
› Production?
¨ More time to get ready for college & research/decide on a major
¨ Save up $$
Next 5 Year’s plans:
¨ Figure out major
¨ Go to a hands-on learning school
¨ Graduate
¨ Prepare for mission (If not married)
Long-Long term plans:
¨ House welcome for troubled individuals
Friday, December 12, 2008
Conversation over Lunch
So I went to lunch with Matt Moore. We talked about all kinds of things, and towards the end, we started talking about Tod. I asked for his advice and I was able to listen to it because it didn't feel like an attack on how I was doing things or on how Tod was dealing with things. Circumstances make all the difference, apparently. ...and, Matt's a guy
I don't want to be put on the back burner while Tod goes off and does his own thing with me as the backup plan. True, it is an elaborate back-up plan, but one nonetheless. I don't have to get over Tod all at once, but if I'm on the back burner for him, then he can be on the back burner for me, if that. My plan to go on random dates with other people was affirmed and approved. The possibility of Tod not being "the one" also came up. I was reminded about what my focus should be on and that there are worthwhile people out there. He agreed that going on dates with other people was a good idea and then added something: make sure Tod knows about it.
If the internship and things don't work in California, I guess I could always see what Renee and Travis are doing...
I don't want to be put on the back burner while Tod goes off and does his own thing with me as the backup plan. True, it is an elaborate back-up plan, but one nonetheless. I don't have to get over Tod all at once, but if I'm on the back burner for him, then he can be on the back burner for me, if that. My plan to go on random dates with other people was affirmed and approved. The possibility of Tod not being "the one" also came up. I was reminded about what my focus should be on and that there are worthwhile people out there. He agreed that going on dates with other people was a good idea and then added something: make sure Tod knows about it.
If the internship and things don't work in California, I guess I could always see what Renee and Travis are doing...
Thursday, December 11, 2008
upswing
I am still very upset with Tod, but a lot of the pain has gone away. I don't know if it was something that just kinda happened with time or if it had anything to do with John inviting me to accept a free "anonymously paid for" flight to visit Heidi and John this weekend
If Tod treats me extremely well this weekend, we just might date. Otherwise, I will tell him "sayoonara" and continue with my plans.
Don't be too worried. My stubbornness resulted in me holding on for so long and it will probably work conversely, also: probably assisting me to hold out unless his behavior is absolutely perfect. He has explained to me multiple times that he didn't want to hurt me by dating long distance and missed the fact that I was willing to date long distance anyway. Finally giving up and deciding not to date was a decision I made on my own time. Deciding to date will also be an unhurried decision that I will take my time with and look at
The nice thing about this flight is that I'm flying Southwest Airlines--we're allowed two free checked bags. I think I will start moving my non-daily necessities and have everything I need for the weekend in my bookbag and laptop case.
...and I will take Aunt Karen's advice and work on just me for a while
If Tod treats me extremely well this weekend, we just might date. Otherwise, I will tell him "sayoonara" and continue with my plans.
Don't be too worried. My stubbornness resulted in me holding on for so long and it will probably work conversely, also: probably assisting me to hold out unless his behavior is absolutely perfect. He has explained to me multiple times that he didn't want to hurt me by dating long distance and missed the fact that I was willing to date long distance anyway. Finally giving up and deciding not to date was a decision I made on my own time. Deciding to date will also be an unhurried decision that I will take my time with and look at
The nice thing about this flight is that I'm flying Southwest Airlines--we're allowed two free checked bags. I think I will start moving my non-daily necessities and have everything I need for the weekend in my bookbag and laptop case.
...and I will take Aunt Karen's advice and work on just me for a while
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Tod
This kid has put me through a lot of trouble... februaryish of 2008, we started having lots of cuddle time and around march/april, we started dating. I did not want to date him. I didn't find him astoundingly attractive and I didn't feel like we were on equal footing. I was happy to go home and break up w/him b/c of "the distance"
When I came back in September, things had changed. I re-realized how sweet he is and I also got a spiritual whack over the head telling me that I am in love with him. We dated for less than two weeks before he left for a job offer in California. I was perfectly content to date him long-distance for however long he was in California and I was in Utah. Apparently he took my long-distance excuses to heart when I gave him that excuse when going home for the summer b/c he did not want to be in a long distance relationship.
He told me that he wanted to break up on the morning of Sunday conference. I was shocked and just said, show me how to be broken up b/c I don't have the matching feelings for this. Everything remained the same. When I visited Oct 17-19 weekend, it hurt that he was perfectly willing to tease me and push my buttons, but wouldn't cuddle with me or let me kiss him. I was a huge mess after coming back... It was the main factor of my being behind in all my classes
After that, I called him and said "if we're not dating, let's do it all the way" That lasted less than 24 hours. I felt like we were dating again and my thoughts went accordingly.
The week or two before thanksgiving break, I was allowing myself to get excited about seeing Heidi and John and getting out of Utah, not excited to see Tod, even though I was sure it would happen. A comment he made gave me hope and I started to anticipate hugs. The week before thanksgiving break, it was almost all I could think of: getting cuddle time with Tod.
Then it happened, I got in late and unpacked at Heidi and John's. The next day, Sunday, Tod came over and picked me up and we went to his parent's house. He was completely out of energy and so when we were sitting on the couch and he more or less laid down away from me, I just went with it. Monday was more or less uneventful, but there were signs there that I didn't want to see, and so I was completely oblivious, but Heidi wasn't. Tuesday, he stopped by after work and I came down and we hugged for an hour-ish before he had to get home and get ready for basketball practice. That was the best time over the entire week.
Thursday was thanksgiving day. I told him to feel free to pick me up mid-morningish b/c we didn't have stuff planned until suppertime. He was shopping with his younger sister at that point and they both came and picked me up. We went to his house and he set up his Christmas present to the family, a huge widescreen tv. I was ignored, but it was fine, b/c I just went into the kitchen and talked to his mom while she was preparing food. That can only last so long before I have to fidget some more, and so they put on a movie: Just Friends. It was not a good movie at all. The entire thing was about getting laid. That was the entire plot. I really didn't want to be watching the movie, and took every opportunity and any excuse I could come up with to leave the room. Sadly, the excuses and opportunities weren't completely effective and I ended up watching about half the movie. Tod wasn't there with me most of the time. It was disheartening when his married and unmarried brothers were more conscious about my enjoyment and comfort than Tod was. When he put in another movie that I'd seen before and didn't particularly like, I asked him to take me home. He did, but he also told me how our families are different and that his dad's side of the family is all non-members. We couldn't even talk for long, b/c it was his day off and he wanted to hang out with his family as much as possible. I went inside to the room I was staying in and cried. Then we had our non-turkey (I despise plain meat and I'm also rather tired of stuffing) thanksgiving with me, Heidi, and John. Rachel (John's sister) came over with her husband, Robert, and talked to us. They had talked about eating with us, but had had thanksgiving with other family too recently and couldn't eat anything else
On Friday, I had a long conversation with Mary, who proceeded to call Tod and chew him out on my behalf, then she called me back and said it didn't seem like we were communicating very well. I put some thought into it, and then called Tod and told him about how I can't handle sitting on the fence very much longer. He said he didn't want to date me long-distance in fear of damaging the relationship. He wanted to date me the "right" way, whatever it was. I wanted to date him, long distance or no, but if he was going to continue to push me away, I was going to go on the other side of the fence, no matter how I felt. He told me I'd have my answer before I left.
Saturday, Heidi and I went to the Baumgartner's house around 7ish. We went downstairs and played the Apples to Apples game that Heidi had the forethought to bring. It was hugely fun--8 people for most of the game, and we ended up using half the deck. We only played one round. Tod wouldn't sit beside me on the couch, but was laying down close to it, and told me to put one of my feet on his back so it would get massaged. Somewhere close to midnight (when John was supposed to be getting off work), we finally decided to finish up the game. Tod was mostly asleep at that point and it was not fun trying to wake him up. Mostly because his brothers kept telling me about how Tod would respond to them waking him up.
I finally got Tod speaking somewhat coherently and told him that I had to leave cali in 6 hours and that Heidi and I were going home now. Then, I went across the room to the stairs where Heidi had already exited. Tod was following slowly and just before I left the house, we hugged each other and then I got 3 pecks on the lips. At that point, I was happy.
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I was just getting very depressed, and realized that it was probably because nothing at all changed in the way Tod and I interacted. I finally decided that I'd had enough and when he called on Thursday, I told him I was ready to try not dating. Thursday I was feeling fantastic, Friday I was feeling good most of the day, and Saturday I was feeling bad most of the day.
I don't plan on getting over Tod. All I want to happen is for him to have the non-long distance relationship that he wants so much so that I can get what I want: cuddling and constant assurance that I am loved and wanted. I haven't ever come close to finding anyone better suited to me (Cole was the only one who came anywhere close). I can wait for Tod to be more ready.
I really don't want to be cuddle-starved when I see him next, so I've been looking for someone who I know won't think I'm serious. So far, I haven't found anyone. I plan on giving Tod the opportunity to ask me out when I get to California, but I will not be the one seeking him out. It will have to be all him. I have suggested to him showing up at the single's ward or maybe even institute
When I came back in September, things had changed. I re-realized how sweet he is and I also got a spiritual whack over the head telling me that I am in love with him. We dated for less than two weeks before he left for a job offer in California. I was perfectly content to date him long-distance for however long he was in California and I was in Utah. Apparently he took my long-distance excuses to heart when I gave him that excuse when going home for the summer b/c he did not want to be in a long distance relationship.
He told me that he wanted to break up on the morning of Sunday conference. I was shocked and just said, show me how to be broken up b/c I don't have the matching feelings for this. Everything remained the same. When I visited Oct 17-19 weekend, it hurt that he was perfectly willing to tease me and push my buttons, but wouldn't cuddle with me or let me kiss him. I was a huge mess after coming back... It was the main factor of my being behind in all my classes
After that, I called him and said "if we're not dating, let's do it all the way" That lasted less than 24 hours. I felt like we were dating again and my thoughts went accordingly.
The week or two before thanksgiving break, I was allowing myself to get excited about seeing Heidi and John and getting out of Utah, not excited to see Tod, even though I was sure it would happen. A comment he made gave me hope and I started to anticipate hugs. The week before thanksgiving break, it was almost all I could think of: getting cuddle time with Tod.
Then it happened, I got in late and unpacked at Heidi and John's. The next day, Sunday, Tod came over and picked me up and we went to his parent's house. He was completely out of energy and so when we were sitting on the couch and he more or less laid down away from me, I just went with it. Monday was more or less uneventful, but there were signs there that I didn't want to see, and so I was completely oblivious, but Heidi wasn't. Tuesday, he stopped by after work and I came down and we hugged for an hour-ish before he had to get home and get ready for basketball practice. That was the best time over the entire week.
Thursday was thanksgiving day. I told him to feel free to pick me up mid-morningish b/c we didn't have stuff planned until suppertime. He was shopping with his younger sister at that point and they both came and picked me up. We went to his house and he set up his Christmas present to the family, a huge widescreen tv. I was ignored, but it was fine, b/c I just went into the kitchen and talked to his mom while she was preparing food. That can only last so long before I have to fidget some more, and so they put on a movie: Just Friends. It was not a good movie at all. The entire thing was about getting laid. That was the entire plot. I really didn't want to be watching the movie, and took every opportunity and any excuse I could come up with to leave the room. Sadly, the excuses and opportunities weren't completely effective and I ended up watching about half the movie. Tod wasn't there with me most of the time. It was disheartening when his married and unmarried brothers were more conscious about my enjoyment and comfort than Tod was. When he put in another movie that I'd seen before and didn't particularly like, I asked him to take me home. He did, but he also told me how our families are different and that his dad's side of the family is all non-members. We couldn't even talk for long, b/c it was his day off and he wanted to hang out with his family as much as possible. I went inside to the room I was staying in and cried. Then we had our non-turkey (I despise plain meat and I'm also rather tired of stuffing) thanksgiving with me, Heidi, and John. Rachel (John's sister) came over with her husband, Robert, and talked to us. They had talked about eating with us, but had had thanksgiving with other family too recently and couldn't eat anything else
On Friday, I had a long conversation with Mary, who proceeded to call Tod and chew him out on my behalf, then she called me back and said it didn't seem like we were communicating very well. I put some thought into it, and then called Tod and told him about how I can't handle sitting on the fence very much longer. He said he didn't want to date me long-distance in fear of damaging the relationship. He wanted to date me the "right" way, whatever it was. I wanted to date him, long distance or no, but if he was going to continue to push me away, I was going to go on the other side of the fence, no matter how I felt. He told me I'd have my answer before I left.
Saturday, Heidi and I went to the Baumgartner's house around 7ish. We went downstairs and played the Apples to Apples game that Heidi had the forethought to bring. It was hugely fun--8 people for most of the game, and we ended up using half the deck. We only played one round. Tod wouldn't sit beside me on the couch, but was laying down close to it, and told me to put one of my feet on his back so it would get massaged. Somewhere close to midnight (when John was supposed to be getting off work), we finally decided to finish up the game. Tod was mostly asleep at that point and it was not fun trying to wake him up. Mostly because his brothers kept telling me about how Tod would respond to them waking him up.
I finally got Tod speaking somewhat coherently and told him that I had to leave cali in 6 hours and that Heidi and I were going home now. Then, I went across the room to the stairs where Heidi had already exited. Tod was following slowly and just before I left the house, we hugged each other and then I got 3 pecks on the lips. At that point, I was happy.
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I was just getting very depressed, and realized that it was probably because nothing at all changed in the way Tod and I interacted. I finally decided that I'd had enough and when he called on Thursday, I told him I was ready to try not dating. Thursday I was feeling fantastic, Friday I was feeling good most of the day, and Saturday I was feeling bad most of the day.
I don't plan on getting over Tod. All I want to happen is for him to have the non-long distance relationship that he wants so much so that I can get what I want: cuddling and constant assurance that I am loved and wanted. I haven't ever come close to finding anyone better suited to me (Cole was the only one who came anywhere close). I can wait for Tod to be more ready.
I really don't want to be cuddle-starved when I see him next, so I've been looking for someone who I know won't think I'm serious. So far, I haven't found anyone. I plan on giving Tod the opportunity to ask me out when I get to California, but I will not be the one seeking him out. It will have to be all him. I have suggested to him showing up at the single's ward or maybe even institute
Mom
I get so upset when I think about all the opportunities I missed out on.
Actually having meaning to holidays instead of 'it's a break from school and family comes to visit and we try to have enough food, and it's good food b/c they're guests'
Someone who can admit that I am a thinking, coherent, logical person and allow me to make my own choices and not be completely dependent on that person
Not having that pattern of outrageous anger and outright mean reactions to people when they make a wrong comment or aren't doing things exactly how I would like them done
Knowing people trust their moms and can ask them questions about whatever they're curious about. Sometimes I just want to cry when I realize ppl look up to their mothers so much that they aspire towards their mom's achievements.
Sure, there are some things that I plan on carrying on, but with most of them, I hope those habits and behaviors never enter my house. I don't really mind never talking to my mom again. She terrifies me. Even still in college, communicating via email and phone calls, I dread seeing her name on an email or on caller ID
Actually having meaning to holidays instead of 'it's a break from school and family comes to visit and we try to have enough food, and it's good food b/c they're guests'
Someone who can admit that I am a thinking, coherent, logical person and allow me to make my own choices and not be completely dependent on that person
Not having that pattern of outrageous anger and outright mean reactions to people when they make a wrong comment or aren't doing things exactly how I would like them done
Knowing people trust their moms and can ask them questions about whatever they're curious about. Sometimes I just want to cry when I realize ppl look up to their mothers so much that they aspire towards their mom's achievements.
Sure, there are some things that I plan on carrying on, but with most of them, I hope those habits and behaviors never enter my house. I don't really mind never talking to my mom again. She terrifies me. Even still in college, communicating via email and phone calls, I dread seeing her name on an email or on caller ID
current
So I'm heartbroken
The food I try to eat when I'm hungry almost immediately makes me feel sick as it sits in my stomach.
I don't want to go to bed, I don't want to talk to anyone, I left work early today, I planned on going to one of my classes, but didn't
Brianna might or might not think that I'm a threat to her cuddle relationship with Nathan. Nathan is obnoxious. I wish Jadam was here, so that I know for sure that I have a cuddle buddy who won't get any strange ideas
sleep doesn't come as easily as it did, trusting people is becoming nigh impossible, and I am finding myself wishing for a life in limbo for a while--maybe some kind of hibernation. No California, no Utah, and definitely not living with my parents in SC (even though not being there breaks my heart)
The food I try to eat when I'm hungry almost immediately makes me feel sick as it sits in my stomach.
I don't want to go to bed, I don't want to talk to anyone, I left work early today, I planned on going to one of my classes, but didn't
Brianna might or might not think that I'm a threat to her cuddle relationship with Nathan. Nathan is obnoxious. I wish Jadam was here, so that I know for sure that I have a cuddle buddy who won't get any strange ideas
sleep doesn't come as easily as it did, trusting people is becoming nigh impossible, and I am finding myself wishing for a life in limbo for a while--maybe some kind of hibernation. No California, no Utah, and definitely not living with my parents in SC (even though not being there breaks my heart)
Monday, December 8, 2008
A whirlwind of events over the course of several days
On Thursday, I broke up with Tod and I was running hot. I had realized that nothing was changing and I wanted to have cuddles by the end of the year, and from the looks of things, I wasn't getting them from Tod even if I did manage to visit before Christmas break (and that he probably wasn't coming to SC)
I then went to chew Nathan out. Brianna told me to chew her out first--so I did. Then, armed with information, I went over to Nathan's. My reason for chewing him out was because he hugely misinterpreted my conversation from the night before and I really really really hate that. At one point, I told him it might be beneficial to have a girl other than Brianna and said if he didn't feel like looking far, sarah and I were both available...
I then came home and advertised the fact that I was single to as many as would listen. There weren't many and only two of them were male.
Friday I made it alright most of the day. I was also looking forward to cuddling up to someone and watching a movie together at the end of the day. Those plans fell through and watching Brianna and Nathan together was not my idea of fun.
Saturday started out alright, I had a great time in karate. I did get punched in the wrong area while sparring with the nephew of a member. However, when I was waiting my turn to come around again, the guy sitting next to me on the wall said he told our instructor, Tim, to watch my footwork because it was very similar to his. I was hugely flattered and I loved it
As soon as Karate was finished, I had to go to the HFAC, change, and warm up on my trombone.
I was not ready for this performance. However, I managed to get through it and then realize that I was woefully behind the other's progress. Taking a 2-year break from trombone was not a good idea if I wanted to stay with it. I ended up feeling embarrassed and woefully inadequate
Late that night, my hormones were becoming harder and harder to ignore. It was completely miserable because I had no outlets and knew that I had no outlets. I was missing Tod and wishing I had some random person who was capable of cuddling with me and not thinking that I was serious. Nathan came over and hugged me around 3am and earned some major brownie points.
Sunday... was bad. I slept in as long as I could and didn't feel like dressing up, but Brianna told me to take a shower before her, so I ended up dressing up and looking nice, and of course, when you dress up and look nice, behavior reflects that.
Apparently Nathan thought that he might've been a possible rebound and wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to decide to date him seriously. He mentioned cuddling with two of his roommates who both have girlfriends and I said, no, I actually do have morals, believe it or not. He responded with doubt 2 1/2 times. It hurt. I continued conversation for a little while, but wanted to cry and ended up doing my best to put him on a major guilt trip for being rude.
I went to my room and Tod happened to call right at that time (I told him he could only call once a day, max). Some of my bad mood came out while talking to Tod and I didn't really feel like mitigating it at all because I felt like it was partially Tod's fault, anyway. I apologized later, but yeah...
I don't remember why I went to the living room. I think I left my laptop in there. Anyways, I went back to the living room and got online and did my best to ignore Nathan. Any comments Brianna made relating to him were ignored. When Nathan came over, I did not acknowledge his presence for a very long time. It started in fb chat where he kept talking and I eventually started to respond. After about half an hour of that, he finally made an unintentionally funny comment and we were finally able to talk.
Today (Monday): I'm still wary of Nathan, especially if he misinterprets me again. Then again, I don't really have that many options. You'd think that being at BYU would give me tons of opportunities to find a guy willing to cuddle. Apparently the people I know are wrong for it, or I'm just going about things the completely wrong way.
I HATE being second choice. Talking to Nathan when he's talking to Brianna is completely frustrating. I don't even like him, but he's not over himself enough to realize that. For some reason, he thinks that I've got deeper things besides hormones telling me to find other ppl to cuddle with. It is just about the epitome of frustration
I then went to chew Nathan out. Brianna told me to chew her out first--so I did. Then, armed with information, I went over to Nathan's. My reason for chewing him out was because he hugely misinterpreted my conversation from the night before and I really really really hate that. At one point, I told him it might be beneficial to have a girl other than Brianna and said if he didn't feel like looking far, sarah and I were both available...
I then came home and advertised the fact that I was single to as many as would listen. There weren't many and only two of them were male.
Friday I made it alright most of the day. I was also looking forward to cuddling up to someone and watching a movie together at the end of the day. Those plans fell through and watching Brianna and Nathan together was not my idea of fun.
Saturday started out alright, I had a great time in karate. I did get punched in the wrong area while sparring with the nephew of a member. However, when I was waiting my turn to come around again, the guy sitting next to me on the wall said he told our instructor, Tim, to watch my footwork because it was very similar to his. I was hugely flattered and I loved it
As soon as Karate was finished, I had to go to the HFAC, change, and warm up on my trombone.
I was not ready for this performance. However, I managed to get through it and then realize that I was woefully behind the other's progress. Taking a 2-year break from trombone was not a good idea if I wanted to stay with it. I ended up feeling embarrassed and woefully inadequate
Late that night, my hormones were becoming harder and harder to ignore. It was completely miserable because I had no outlets and knew that I had no outlets. I was missing Tod and wishing I had some random person who was capable of cuddling with me and not thinking that I was serious. Nathan came over and hugged me around 3am and earned some major brownie points.
Sunday... was bad. I slept in as long as I could and didn't feel like dressing up, but Brianna told me to take a shower before her, so I ended up dressing up and looking nice, and of course, when you dress up and look nice, behavior reflects that.
Apparently Nathan thought that he might've been a possible rebound and wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to decide to date him seriously. He mentioned cuddling with two of his roommates who both have girlfriends and I said, no, I actually do have morals, believe it or not. He responded with doubt 2 1/2 times. It hurt. I continued conversation for a little while, but wanted to cry and ended up doing my best to put him on a major guilt trip for being rude.
I went to my room and Tod happened to call right at that time (I told him he could only call once a day, max). Some of my bad mood came out while talking to Tod and I didn't really feel like mitigating it at all because I felt like it was partially Tod's fault, anyway. I apologized later, but yeah...
I don't remember why I went to the living room. I think I left my laptop in there. Anyways, I went back to the living room and got online and did my best to ignore Nathan. Any comments Brianna made relating to him were ignored. When Nathan came over, I did not acknowledge his presence for a very long time. It started in fb chat where he kept talking and I eventually started to respond. After about half an hour of that, he finally made an unintentionally funny comment and we were finally able to talk.
Today (Monday): I'm still wary of Nathan, especially if he misinterprets me again. Then again, I don't really have that many options. You'd think that being at BYU would give me tons of opportunities to find a guy willing to cuddle. Apparently the people I know are wrong for it, or I'm just going about things the completely wrong way.
I HATE being second choice. Talking to Nathan when he's talking to Brianna is completely frustrating. I don't even like him, but he's not over himself enough to realize that. For some reason, he thinks that I've got deeper things besides hormones telling me to find other ppl to cuddle with. It is just about the epitome of frustration
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