I hate how I've been so gloomy lately. Usually I'm much more cheerful. Energy and happiness are my normal companions. One reason I'm so happy to go to California is because Heidi can say what needs to be said in a way that I will hear it. It won't be the oppressive atmosphere of being in a place that I know isn't good for me.
This blurb was prompted by Mom coming in the room while I was reading tonight and had me tell her about California. She is about as excited for me to live there as she is for Heidi & John, which is to say, not at all. After hearing that I broke up with Tod, she proceeded to tell me that there were many righteous women who wouldn't marry in this life and that I should read Preach My Gospel and plan on going on a mission. Yes, I have given more thought to serving a mission, but it's hard to take the insinuations of those statements--like telling me not to expect to ever have a relationship with love and fireworks like Renee and Travis have. I have come to the conclusion that while the south completely dominates my heart, I can't live here until I've shed my worst bad habits because with Mom around, it's the hardest thing to even get the courage to leave my room and subject myself to the possible insults Mom throws out when she catches me alone.
After our conversation, I felt like I was lower than the scum of the earth. Yes, some of the things she said were definitely true, but the spin that they had and what the words implied shouldn't have been there. My skin needs to be 1,000x thicker if I'm to live in this house
3 comments:
Well, you can't even go on a mission for another year and a half since you have to be 21. So that is out for now. Don't even worry about it. I said up until the summer after I turned 21 that I wasn't the least bit interested in serving a mission. If you're not married and you have that desire when you're 21 go for it, until then as long as you are actively living the gospel you are preparing yourself.
And seriously, I think you should completely expect and demand that you have a relationship that has love and fireworks! You can have that if you seek it. You are a beautiful, smart, talented girl and honestly you can have what you set your heart on having. Don't let your mom drag you down.
Maybe her reality is that her relationship doesn't have love and fireworks. Maybe it did at one point or maybe it never did. I don't know, but if she's telling you that you can't have that then she is just dead wrong. Every day is not fireworks, if it were the house would burn down, but there has to be some of that. And as for love... That has to be there everyday. Every. single. solitary. day. You can have it. You deserve it. I have it and so I know it is possible. If someone can love me everyday, then it's possible for anyone. To get love you have to give love. When you give love people return it. (Maybe not everyone, but a lot of people.) Those who give love back to you abundantly are those who will be willing to give it to you for a lifetime. (At least that's my philosophy, and it's working for me so far.)
I wish you could come visit. If I weren't doing all this driving of Elizabeth, I'd just come get you myself. I have to take her to TN tomorrow and pick her up on Sun. Have you been able to figure out another ride?
ok. after 2 tries, hopefully we can get this right.
i talked to a friend today, and she also recommended that i talk to the bishop and get counseling. i'm glad we got a chance to talk about growing up. no one understands like you do (well, except the other sibs :)
it's excitin to think this is fixable. and that all this emotional turmoil can be dealt with, and eventually overcome.
i wrote for a good 2 hours after. ways it affected me, mom, and the fam. and i'm not sure what to do, or where to start, but just verbalizing it sized it down to something i could deal with (instead of constant knots in my stomach and not realizing why they were there).
One quote from Richard G. Scott, “To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse,” (Conf May 2008) helped:
"...agency is a vital element in our Father in Heaven’s plan of happiness. He understood that some of His spirit children would use that agency improperly, causing serious problems to others. Some would even violate sacred trust, such as a father or family member abusing an innocent child. Since our Heavenly Father is completely just, there has to be a way of overcoming the tragic consequences of such damaging use of agency for both the victim and the perpetrator.
"That secure healing (oh, it will be good to feel secure!!) comes through the power of the Atonement of His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, to rectify that which is unjust."
when i pray about it, god just keeps saying:
"i will heal you, so let me."
i don't like help, but i really need it. i've been trying, but i can't kick it by myself.
I LOVE YOU!!! jesus is pretty good at fixing things. my biggest prob so far is slowing down enough to let him do it.
Remember our conversation!!! And I have to agree with your aunt! You can have love that lasts forever. Having been in a similar place it took a very long time to heal and to forgive my mother...I know it can be done when the time is right. Anyway, know that so many people do love you and I am sending (((hugs))) Good Luck with the move...
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