This kid has put me through a lot of trouble... februaryish of 2008, we started having lots of cuddle time and around march/april, we started dating. I did not want to date him. I didn't find him astoundingly attractive and I didn't feel like we were on equal footing. I was happy to go home and break up w/him b/c of "the distance"
When I came back in September, things had changed. I re-realized how sweet he is and I also got a spiritual whack over the head telling me that I am in love with him. We dated for less than two weeks before he left for a job offer in California. I was perfectly content to date him long-distance for however long he was in California and I was in Utah. Apparently he took my long-distance excuses to heart when I gave him that excuse when going home for the summer b/c he did not want to be in a long distance relationship.
He told me that he wanted to break up on the morning of Sunday conference. I was shocked and just said, show me how to be broken up b/c I don't have the matching feelings for this. Everything remained the same. When I visited Oct 17-19 weekend, it hurt that he was perfectly willing to tease me and push my buttons, but wouldn't cuddle with me or let me kiss him. I was a huge mess after coming back... It was the main factor of my being behind in all my classes
After that, I called him and said "if we're not dating, let's do it all the way" That lasted less than 24 hours. I felt like we were dating again and my thoughts went accordingly.
The week or two before thanksgiving break, I was allowing myself to get excited about seeing Heidi and John and getting out of Utah, not excited to see Tod, even though I was sure it would happen. A comment he made gave me hope and I started to anticipate hugs. The week before thanksgiving break, it was almost all I could think of: getting cuddle time with Tod.
Then it happened, I got in late and unpacked at Heidi and John's. The next day, Sunday, Tod came over and picked me up and we went to his parent's house. He was completely out of energy and so when we were sitting on the couch and he more or less laid down away from me, I just went with it. Monday was more or less uneventful, but there were signs there that I didn't want to see, and so I was completely oblivious, but Heidi wasn't. Tuesday, he stopped by after work and I came down and we hugged for an hour-ish before he had to get home and get ready for basketball practice. That was the best time over the entire week.
Thursday was thanksgiving day. I told him to feel free to pick me up mid-morningish b/c we didn't have stuff planned until suppertime. He was shopping with his younger sister at that point and they both came and picked me up. We went to his house and he set up his Christmas present to the family, a huge widescreen tv. I was ignored, but it was fine, b/c I just went into the kitchen and talked to his mom while she was preparing food. That can only last so long before I have to fidget some more, and so they put on a movie: Just Friends. It was not a good movie at all. The entire thing was about getting laid. That was the entire plot. I really didn't want to be watching the movie, and took every opportunity and any excuse I could come up with to leave the room. Sadly, the excuses and opportunities weren't completely effective and I ended up watching about half the movie. Tod wasn't there with me most of the time. It was disheartening when his married and unmarried brothers were more conscious about my enjoyment and comfort than Tod was. When he put in another movie that I'd seen before and didn't particularly like, I asked him to take me home. He did, but he also told me how our families are different and that his dad's side of the family is all non-members. We couldn't even talk for long, b/c it was his day off and he wanted to hang out with his family as much as possible. I went inside to the room I was staying in and cried. Then we had our non-turkey (I despise plain meat and I'm also rather tired of stuffing) thanksgiving with me, Heidi, and John. Rachel (John's sister) came over with her husband, Robert, and talked to us. They had talked about eating with us, but had had thanksgiving with other family too recently and couldn't eat anything else
On Friday, I had a long conversation with Mary, who proceeded to call Tod and chew him out on my behalf, then she called me back and said it didn't seem like we were communicating very well. I put some thought into it, and then called Tod and told him about how I can't handle sitting on the fence very much longer. He said he didn't want to date me long-distance in fear of damaging the relationship. He wanted to date me the "right" way, whatever it was. I wanted to date him, long distance or no, but if he was going to continue to push me away, I was going to go on the other side of the fence, no matter how I felt. He told me I'd have my answer before I left.
Saturday, Heidi and I went to the Baumgartner's house around 7ish. We went downstairs and played the Apples to Apples game that Heidi had the forethought to bring. It was hugely fun--8 people for most of the game, and we ended up using half the deck. We only played one round. Tod wouldn't sit beside me on the couch, but was laying down close to it, and told me to put one of my feet on his back so it would get massaged. Somewhere close to midnight (when John was supposed to be getting off work), we finally decided to finish up the game. Tod was mostly asleep at that point and it was not fun trying to wake him up. Mostly because his brothers kept telling me about how Tod would respond to them waking him up.
I finally got Tod speaking somewhat coherently and told him that I had to leave cali in 6 hours and that Heidi and I were going home now. Then, I went across the room to the stairs where Heidi had already exited. Tod was following slowly and just before I left the house, we hugged each other and then I got 3 pecks on the lips. At that point, I was happy.
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I was just getting very depressed, and realized that it was probably because nothing at all changed in the way Tod and I interacted. I finally decided that I'd had enough and when he called on Thursday, I told him I was ready to try not dating. Thursday I was feeling fantastic, Friday I was feeling good most of the day, and Saturday I was feeling bad most of the day.
I don't plan on getting over Tod. All I want to happen is for him to have the non-long distance relationship that he wants so much so that I can get what I want: cuddling and constant assurance that I am loved and wanted. I haven't ever come close to finding anyone better suited to me (Cole was the only one who came anywhere close). I can wait for Tod to be more ready.
I really don't want to be cuddle-starved when I see him next, so I've been looking for someone who I know won't think I'm serious. So far, I haven't found anyone. I plan on giving Tod the opportunity to ask me out when I get to California, but I will not be the one seeking him out. It will have to be all him. I have suggested to him showing up at the single's ward or maybe even institute
5 comments:
I don't like the way this guy acts around you. If a guy truly likes you, he's not going to be half-hearted in his actions around you. He's not going to try to stay away from you, and he's not going to ignore you. What you have on your hands is a guy who doesn't know what he wants and because of this, he only semi-does what he thinks you want. I know you're emotionally attached to this guy, but it doesn't seem like he is. I don't think he could handle a long distance relationship b/c a relationship to him is where he can be with the other person. It's not easy being in a ldr, but at the same time, if he liked you enough, he would try harder. It's obvious you care more about trying than he does. Just because you have feelings for him, it doesn't mean he does. Don't allow him to tease you like he does. Don't encourage him to mislead you into something that will just cause you to become upset. Don't hope for anything with this guy unless he is willing to go all the way with how he feels and acts. If he's not truly into you, then don't kid yourself anymore. It's not fair to you or him. I understand you may not like not talking to him, etc. but you can't just wait in utter hope for him to become the man of your dreams. Go and be your own person and don't wait around for him to change. Forget about him. All he does is bring you down and you don't need that. I guess you could say I kinda speak from experience...and I know it's not fun. Find someone who will love you for you, bring out the best in you, and someone you can have fun with. Anyways, that's all I've got. I love you, dear :)
That's kind of what I'm doing: moving on, but he's still got a red flag on him and I'll be watching.
I dunno if I portrayed it incorrectly, but I know he cares about me. He has good intentions, but is thickheaded a lot of the time. The reason he wanted to break up with me is because he wants to work on bettering himself and didn't want to lead me on. It backfired on him b/c he doesn't understand the differences between long distance friendship and long distance relationship
I don't know about that. I'm kind of with Erin on this. I think she called a spade a spade. The whole long distance relationship thing I understand him having a hard time with, but If he truly loved you like a boyfriend should love you when he had you in his house he would have been very attentive even if he was trying not to be physical.
He would have included you with his family rather than saying he wanted to spend time with his family rather than you. He would have made sure that the movies they picked to watch were ones that you would enjoy. He would have checked your feelings multiply times. More than his brothers or anyone else.
I think especially during the time of Thanksgiving he failed in my measure of whether or not he would treat you the way you deserve to be treated. He may love you, but love is not the only thing that will make you happy.
You have to include compassion, caring, concern, attention, patience, time, touching, and so many other things. You should make your own list. I did when I was in high school. There were about 50 things on my list and I wasn't going to settle for someone who didn't have the majority of the things on that list, and there were certain things that were complete deal breakers. If he didn't have x there was no way on earth that I would date him, much less marry him. You have to figure out for yourself what those things are for you. I just think until you do, you will have a hard time deciding who the right guy is.
And seriously Rick had all but a couple of the things on the list and those were trivial things.
Just so you know, if he's not willing to give those things now, he will be even less willing to give them later when you are married and it's a lot harder for you to leave him because of the eternal commitments, etc. I'm just saying...
Hannah, thanks for calling me today. I am sorry I was unable to talk. I have read your entire blog thus far and I am so sorry that you've been having such a rough time of it. I completely agree with Aunt Lois and Erin. Tod can not have it both ways, and frankly, he sounds like he has some issues that he needs to work out before he gets into a serious relationship. But you need to move on, and trying to find someone to replace hugs, etc..at this time may just be bringing you down more. I think you need to work on "Hannah" for a while. Stay busy, read your scriptures, ask Heavenly Father to help you. Research other schools and options if you don't want to stay at BYU. As you move on, in a good direction, things will come together for you, and you will eventually have opportunities to meet other guys. I know you've heard it a thousand times, and it doesn't help much when you're sad, but I'm gonna say it anyway...just because you love someone does not mean it is the person you are supposed to marry. The Lord has a plan for you Hannah...put your trust in Him, he won't let you down. Love you girl!
I have to agree with Erin she may have some things wrong but the general idea is definitely worth listening to (and Aunt Karen and Aunt Lois). But you know that if you have listened to anything that I have been saying. I believe that Cole and Tod have emotional hold on you because they are good at that kind of thing. Hyrum was really good at meeting my emotional needs but we all know that was not a good idea. Because of Hyrum is my main reason for concern... maybe we should talk about him next time we talk instead of my relationship with John... and also just so you know, I "got approval" to date him (Hyrum) and I kept dating him and then later discovered what a retarded person he was. Because I was able to discover his retarded-ness I was able to say no for real (I had tried breaking up with him since we had dated 2 months or so and we dated for 8 months kind of. I wasn't able to say no very well for real because of the emotional hold... because I loved him.) I was able to break up with him for real when he cheated on me and it was confirmed because he had such an emotional hold on me I wouldn't have believed it if it hadn't been confirmed. Tod may have some retarded-ness somewhere but hopefully he's not THAT retarded. He definitely doesn't know how to treat you right and if he is just trying to get back at you he really needs to learn to stop being dramatic and stop acting like a middle school girl!!
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