I get so upset when I think about all the opportunities I missed out on.
Actually having meaning to holidays instead of 'it's a break from school and family comes to visit and we try to have enough food, and it's good food b/c they're guests'
Someone who can admit that I am a thinking, coherent, logical person and allow me to make my own choices and not be completely dependent on that person
Not having that pattern of outrageous anger and outright mean reactions to people when they make a wrong comment or aren't doing things exactly how I would like them done
Knowing people trust their moms and can ask them questions about whatever they're curious about. Sometimes I just want to cry when I realize ppl look up to their mothers so much that they aspire towards their mom's achievements.
Sure, there are some things that I plan on carrying on, but with most of them, I hope those habits and behaviors never enter my house. I don't really mind never talking to my mom again. She terrifies me. Even still in college, communicating via email and phone calls, I dread seeing her name on an email or on caller ID
4 comments:
That makes me really sad that you are scared of your mom. I know things are far from perfect there, but I know she loves you and worries for your sake. I wish I could have made things different for you. I wish I could take away all the bitterness and the sadness that you have. I wish I could provide you the loving mother you crave, but I think your mother is loving in her own way. Sometimes we have to take what we get and make the best of it. Just like you said there are things that you will continue that she did.
Take the good and leave the bad. I think your siblings can really help you out there, because they know what you're talking about. It's hard for me to really know how things were in your house normally. I was always the guest, so... I think you know what I mean.
The first thing I thought of when I read this post was patience and long suffering. I know your relationship with your mom has been difficult at times, to say the least. But maybe this is one of your trials that you have to overcome. Seeing the good, like Aunt Lois said, and forgiving the bad. Our trials are always there to make us stronger and bring us closer to our Savior. Turn to Him for strength. :)
I think Aunt Lois knows what she meant when she said to talk to your siblings! Shall we compare and contrast stories when you get here? I started making a list of things I would hold a grudge against her for if I did that kind of thing. I will never think of Mormon Doctrine as a good reference for anything because she used it for "proving a point" very badly that didn't prove anything. (and also to let the woman in the ward know some things to look out for).
I always suspected there was some anger in you towards your mom. Just in defense of moms in general...our children don't come with instruction books and some mothers are better than others at being warm, loving and expressing themselves. I don't know if this will discourage you or give you hope...it has only been VERY recent that I have been able to forgive my own mother, love her for who she is and move on from there. Many of her ideas were good and I still implement the good...the bad I finally just had to forgive and let go...it was a very long process and hopefully you can do that sooner than I did! I think you are a wonderful young woman and if you need a nonjudgmental listening ear I can help with that.
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