For people who haven't been around me while I'm driving or being a pedestrian, you probably don't know: I HATE pedestrians. When I am a pedestrian, I hate myself when I inconvenience the drivers. The thing that cracked me up today, though, was while I was being a pedestrian, I was annoyed at OTHER pedestrians. Haha! I caught myself thinking, "Why can't they just get out of my way? That is so inconsiderate! They should not be using this sidewalk." That is when I started to laugh at myself. Then I started to think, "Wouldn't it be nice if NOBODY was on the sidewalk besides me? Man, that'd be sweet!" I love my internal dialogue. Really and truly.
I made myself a resume last night so that I can go to the Sacramento Theatre Center today to talk about a possible internship. That would be so amazing... I want it so bad. Even if it does mean a 20-minute commute every day. It sure does pay well (everything in California does), and I would hate to work retail or in the food industry. I just printed it up and it looks fantastic. That might just be my particular quirks, but whatever.
I browsed through a cousin's blog today. She throws in random japanese words quite liberally. It kinda makes me want to do the same, except I recognize the fact that none of my readers know any japanese whatsoever. Except Aunt Lois
so, without further ado:
Kowai-scary, terrifying
Kawaii-cute, adorable
I think it's really fun to note the difference in two such similar-sounding words
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The Hard Truth
After telling many people that I broke up with Tod for good, they've always seemed to have the same reaction: to tell me that life goes on and there are more fish in the sea--an optional part of this was that I'm still young and have lots of life ahead of me. It drove home the fact that I am a bad communicator. I will now try to communicate the truth of what happened by starting with when we became an 'us' at the end of march in 2008:
I was still on a rebound from Cole. That's right--I didn't have a rebound with just one guy after my first relationship ended, I had 3 rebound relationships. I was tired of being single and completely shallow when Tod decided to make his move. He didn't come close to my ideal, but he was cuddly and affectionate. I didn't really want to be in the relationship. There were times when he did the nicest things that just pulled my heartstrings and I felt my inadequacies and guilt for how I was using him. I couldn't wait to go home for the summer, because it would be my ready-made excuse to break up with him. He wanted to keep dating and I never wanted to be in the relationship in the first place. Tod was a very, very good friend. I wanted him to date someone nicer than me. I also found him a bit boring... :(
I never expected to date Tod again. I had escaped by going home and I figured that that was the end of it. I came back, and had Tod give me a ride to Wal-Mart that weekend (yes, I know I was a complete jerk) so that I could stock up on groceries and everything I'd need for that upcoming semester. I felt nothing when I saw him.
I had stayed up very, very late on Sunday, and when I noticed that all of my roommates were asleep (of course they were, it was 4am), so I decided that I could pray out loud and take my time about it. I happened to mention Tod and was immediately flooded with the knowledge that I was in love with him. What? Where did that come from? Why would the Lord tell me that? I felt huge regret for how I'd treated Tod for the last 6 months. I ended up planning to ask him to institute on that thursday (I was hoping for a re-do of our botched relationship). We ended up seeing each other on Wednesday and every day after that
This was taken on a Sunday after we went to the Johnson's house after my pseudo-niece, Sierra, had her baby blessing. Man, we had so much fun playing off of each other...
Anyways, he got a job offer in California, and so he decided to take it because it paid so well and he was motivated to get out of debt. We talked about jewelry before he left and I expressed my preferences.
Sunday morning session of conference in October, he texted, asking if I trusted him. I examined my feelings and had a realization--I didn't. I don't completely trust anyone--and that includes myself. I told him that I didn't fully trust him, and so he said that he wanted to break up because only people who have trust can love each other. I was completely shocked and had no idea how to react--so I told him that I would follow his lead.
It felt like he had forgotten, because nothing changed--we still talked constantly about whatever was on our minds. I got comfortable with the fact that we were dating long-distance. I visited Heidi and John 3 times during that semester. Each time, I was disappointed because he had told himself that it was best if we weren't "dating" except that it only came out when I was local and he wouldn't come near me or talk to me. I tried to limit the phone calls after my visits, but I got talked out of it and I went back to thinking we were dating.
Thanksgiving break was the absolute worst. Before Tod left Utah, he expressed his desire to see me while he was in California during Thanksgiving break and kept telling me how 3 or 4 months weren't really that much time. Reality was different. I had to give him an ultimatum--to date me or not date me--he asked for time to think about it. With less than 5 minutes before I left his presence at the end of break, he finally answered me and let me know that he would like to date. I was happy about this for a while, but ended up deciding that it was a horrible way to live, so I broke up with him... for the 3rd time that semester.
He flew me out to California the weekend before finals started and he talked me into dating him again. When I wasn't around him, I realized what a ridiculous thing that it was, and told him we should break up (fall semester breakup #4). I went home and talked to some friends from High School and did my best to forget everything about Tod. During that time, I told him it would be unfair for me to move on in my life without telling him to also do so. It was surprisingly easy to make the psychological switch. Telling him that I needed someone who was more active in church was hard, though. Telling him goodbye didn't have me shedding any tears, but that conversation about his church habits had me spouting the waterworks.
I saw him about a week after I got into California. That was the test to see if I was really over him. I found one thing that I had forgotten. I needed to stop being fascinated with his face. Considering the other possibilities, I thought that I had gotten off pretty easily. Breaking a habit of staring at his face will probably be pretty easy. If he can handle it, maybe we can start being nothing but friends again.
Maybe I wasn't in the right kind of love with him, maybe I was. It's kind of a relief to be out of that situation with all of the uncertainties and constant heartbreak.
I probably ended up being redundant in some places, and vague in others, but on the most part--dragging on and on without getting to the point. Oh well. THIS is the situation. I have left out things in all of my recountings up till now--hopefully I didn't leave anything important out. It is understandable for people to get the wrong idea. I am a terrible communicator. My talent lies in listening and allowing people to unload their problems on me. I like that role. That is how I am most equipped to help people with dealing with stuff that comes up in their lives.
Questions are allowed, and observations--I would like to make sense of what happened. Sympathy will continue to be ignored ;)
I was still on a rebound from Cole. That's right--I didn't have a rebound with just one guy after my first relationship ended, I had 3 rebound relationships. I was tired of being single and completely shallow when Tod decided to make his move. He didn't come close to my ideal, but he was cuddly and affectionate. I didn't really want to be in the relationship. There were times when he did the nicest things that just pulled my heartstrings and I felt my inadequacies and guilt for how I was using him. I couldn't wait to go home for the summer, because it would be my ready-made excuse to break up with him. He wanted to keep dating and I never wanted to be in the relationship in the first place. Tod was a very, very good friend. I wanted him to date someone nicer than me. I also found him a bit boring... :(
I never expected to date Tod again. I had escaped by going home and I figured that that was the end of it. I came back, and had Tod give me a ride to Wal-Mart that weekend (yes, I know I was a complete jerk) so that I could stock up on groceries and everything I'd need for that upcoming semester. I felt nothing when I saw him.
I had stayed up very, very late on Sunday, and when I noticed that all of my roommates were asleep (of course they were, it was 4am), so I decided that I could pray out loud and take my time about it. I happened to mention Tod and was immediately flooded with the knowledge that I was in love with him. What? Where did that come from? Why would the Lord tell me that? I felt huge regret for how I'd treated Tod for the last 6 months. I ended up planning to ask him to institute on that thursday (I was hoping for a re-do of our botched relationship). We ended up seeing each other on Wednesday and every day after that
This was taken on a Sunday after we went to the Johnson's house after my pseudo-niece, Sierra, had her baby blessing. Man, we had so much fun playing off of each other...Anyways, he got a job offer in California, and so he decided to take it because it paid so well and he was motivated to get out of debt. We talked about jewelry before he left and I expressed my preferences.
Sunday morning session of conference in October, he texted, asking if I trusted him. I examined my feelings and had a realization--I didn't. I don't completely trust anyone--and that includes myself. I told him that I didn't fully trust him, and so he said that he wanted to break up because only people who have trust can love each other. I was completely shocked and had no idea how to react--so I told him that I would follow his lead.
It felt like he had forgotten, because nothing changed--we still talked constantly about whatever was on our minds. I got comfortable with the fact that we were dating long-distance. I visited Heidi and John 3 times during that semester. Each time, I was disappointed because he had told himself that it was best if we weren't "dating" except that it only came out when I was local and he wouldn't come near me or talk to me. I tried to limit the phone calls after my visits, but I got talked out of it and I went back to thinking we were dating.
Thanksgiving break was the absolute worst. Before Tod left Utah, he expressed his desire to see me while he was in California during Thanksgiving break and kept telling me how 3 or 4 months weren't really that much time. Reality was different. I had to give him an ultimatum--to date me or not date me--he asked for time to think about it. With less than 5 minutes before I left his presence at the end of break, he finally answered me and let me know that he would like to date. I was happy about this for a while, but ended up deciding that it was a horrible way to live, so I broke up with him... for the 3rd time that semester.
He flew me out to California the weekend before finals started and he talked me into dating him again. When I wasn't around him, I realized what a ridiculous thing that it was, and told him we should break up (fall semester breakup #4). I went home and talked to some friends from High School and did my best to forget everything about Tod. During that time, I told him it would be unfair for me to move on in my life without telling him to also do so. It was surprisingly easy to make the psychological switch. Telling him that I needed someone who was more active in church was hard, though. Telling him goodbye didn't have me shedding any tears, but that conversation about his church habits had me spouting the waterworks.
I saw him about a week after I got into California. That was the test to see if I was really over him. I found one thing that I had forgotten. I needed to stop being fascinated with his face. Considering the other possibilities, I thought that I had gotten off pretty easily. Breaking a habit of staring at his face will probably be pretty easy. If he can handle it, maybe we can start being nothing but friends again.
Maybe I wasn't in the right kind of love with him, maybe I was. It's kind of a relief to be out of that situation with all of the uncertainties and constant heartbreak.
I probably ended up being redundant in some places, and vague in others, but on the most part--dragging on and on without getting to the point. Oh well. THIS is the situation. I have left out things in all of my recountings up till now--hopefully I didn't leave anything important out. It is understandable for people to get the wrong idea. I am a terrible communicator. My talent lies in listening and allowing people to unload their problems on me. I like that role. That is how I am most equipped to help people with dealing with stuff that comes up in their lives.
Questions are allowed, and observations--I would like to make sense of what happened. Sympathy will continue to be ignored ;)
Sunday, January 25, 2009
25 Interesting Things About Me
(copied from my facebook--the tagging is unnecessary here)
Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.
1. I avoid physical activity like the plague, but passionately love practical styles of martial arts
2. I won't ever admit it out loud, but I love being tickled
3. I am scared of strangers. The younger they are, the more intense this feeling becomes. (Middle-aged people, I have almost no problem with, but 10-year-olds absolutely terrify me)
4. I find people of different ethnicities to be more attractive than whites
5. I am almost guaranteed to get lost when going somewhere by myself for the first time
6. My favorite genre is that of fairy tales and such that end in a happy ending
7. With very very few exceptions, I am always cold because my body produces heat without retaining it
8. My heart simply melts when I am around a guy who is nice and displays good manners constantly
9. I squeal very rarely. Maybe two or even three times it was because someone tickled me and took me completely by surprise. The other time was when I found a giant beetle and the person supposed to kill it wasn't very effective & it started flying around the room
10. I love summertime. I am one of the rare people who can stand the heat and loves humidity
11. I was the biggest crybaby anyone has ever encountered up until I went to public school in 4th grade. Until I was able to grow a spine of my own, my best friend, Solonda Wesley, protected me
12. Yelling terrifies me, whether or not I am involved in the situation
13. My last year at home, I truly wondered about my sanity
14. I was in Marching Band from 8th grade all the way to my senior year. It was my therapy
15. I constantly felt inadequate while growing up and that no matter what I was good at, someone was always better and more noticeable than I was
16. I am not a romantic. None of that "destined to be together" stuff here.
17. I am hugely easy to distract. Only reading has been known to be important enough to me to block everything else out. Doing anything else, however...
18. I am very comfortable with myself and what I look like, but I am always very surprised when I get a compliment
19. I love water very much. Waterfalls of any size are my favorite
20. I read any child communication book that I can get my hands on
21. One of my favorite hobbies is working on jigsaw puzzles. Especially ones with different shades of the same color &/or different textures to look at
22. I have always wanted a punching bag.
23. I constantly have an internal commentary going on about what and who is around me
24. I read a book that mentioned people hiding parts of their souls from themselves and while reading it, I decided that that was the easiest way to hide my feelings from others. Ever since, it was really difficult for me to know how I really felt about something besides my public face
25. I hate breakfast food, except for pancakes and sausage
Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.
1. I avoid physical activity like the plague, but passionately love practical styles of martial arts
2. I won't ever admit it out loud, but I love being tickled
3. I am scared of strangers. The younger they are, the more intense this feeling becomes. (Middle-aged people, I have almost no problem with, but 10-year-olds absolutely terrify me)
4. I find people of different ethnicities to be more attractive than whites
5. I am almost guaranteed to get lost when going somewhere by myself for the first time
6. My favorite genre is that of fairy tales and such that end in a happy ending
7. With very very few exceptions, I am always cold because my body produces heat without retaining it
8. My heart simply melts when I am around a guy who is nice and displays good manners constantly
9. I squeal very rarely. Maybe two or even three times it was because someone tickled me and took me completely by surprise. The other time was when I found a giant beetle and the person supposed to kill it wasn't very effective & it started flying around the room
10. I love summertime. I am one of the rare people who can stand the heat and loves humidity
11. I was the biggest crybaby anyone has ever encountered up until I went to public school in 4th grade. Until I was able to grow a spine of my own, my best friend, Solonda Wesley, protected me
12. Yelling terrifies me, whether or not I am involved in the situation
13. My last year at home, I truly wondered about my sanity
14. I was in Marching Band from 8th grade all the way to my senior year. It was my therapy
15. I constantly felt inadequate while growing up and that no matter what I was good at, someone was always better and more noticeable than I was
16. I am not a romantic. None of that "destined to be together" stuff here.
17. I am hugely easy to distract. Only reading has been known to be important enough to me to block everything else out. Doing anything else, however...
18. I am very comfortable with myself and what I look like, but I am always very surprised when I get a compliment
19. I love water very much. Waterfalls of any size are my favorite
20. I read any child communication book that I can get my hands on
21. One of my favorite hobbies is working on jigsaw puzzles. Especially ones with different shades of the same color &/or different textures to look at
22. I have always wanted a punching bag.
23. I constantly have an internal commentary going on about what and who is around me
24. I read a book that mentioned people hiding parts of their souls from themselves and while reading it, I decided that that was the easiest way to hide my feelings from others. Ever since, it was really difficult for me to know how I really felt about something besides my public face
25. I hate breakfast food, except for pancakes and sausage
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Martial Arts
I did a year and a half of Shiseikai Karate. It is Okinawan, and therefore, somewhat traditional, somewhat violent (only a little more violent is the more well-known, Kyuokushin), and very, very fun. I am a violent little whirlwind and I therefore adored the pace of this particular branch of karate with all of the bruises that came with it. It was a huge sense of accomplishment to know different ways to beat attackers into the dirt without getting very involved. I loved learning how to do several different self-defense moves. It probably comes from a Chihuahua complex of being smaller than everybody and Mom forcibly reminding me of it on her bad days.
There was a Kung Fu (chinese for martial arts) place probably 2 or 3 blocks from the apartment, so I went there this morning for a "sample" lesson. It was AMAZING! I have decided that I adore any kind of martial art that has me doing things that start out complicated, but with practice, I get used to it and it becomes second nature to do things like so. I am completely pumped about this and while I am in this good mood, I think I'll write some letters to one of the few guys I got to know well enough before his mission that I could condescend to write him and also to write one of my ARMY friends who left the united states on Dec 10 and is now stationed in Iraq.
Zya nee! (see ya-ish)
Hannah
There was a Kung Fu (chinese for martial arts) place probably 2 or 3 blocks from the apartment, so I went there this morning for a "sample" lesson. It was AMAZING! I have decided that I adore any kind of martial art that has me doing things that start out complicated, but with practice, I get used to it and it becomes second nature to do things like so. I am completely pumped about this and while I am in this good mood, I think I'll write some letters to one of the few guys I got to know well enough before his mission that I could condescend to write him and also to write one of my ARMY friends who left the united states on Dec 10 and is now stationed in Iraq.
Zya nee! (see ya-ish)
Hannah
Thursday, January 8, 2009
drifting in limbo as a homeless person
My logic is still a bit skewed and last night I was a wondering if I was a man-eater as a result of a couple texts from two guys. I've realized I'm really not very ready for a purple belt and it is much more likely to just achieve a blue belt, especially since our instructor recommended me to our black belt as aspiring to a blue...
Nevertheless, life is much better. Just a separation from Mom is allowing me to get back to how I was before Christmas break. I'm in much better spirits and finally am feeling cheerful again. I've been putting a lot of thought into it and I've realized that I want to live like a hermit for a while. Too bad I can't afford it.
I spent the weekend in the apartment living in a corner of the living room, then on Monday afternoon, the Hunts came and picked me up and I've been staying with them and coming to the library on campus when I can for computer and internet access. Also, I've read the interesting looking books they've got there... they never really unpacked all of their stuff since their last move, I think.
More reading fantasy, napping, and practicing kata for karate is definitely in order at least until saturday
My train ticket has me leaving Salt Lake on Tuesday night and getting into Sacramento on Wednesday afternoon
Nevertheless, life is much better. Just a separation from Mom is allowing me to get back to how I was before Christmas break. I'm in much better spirits and finally am feeling cheerful again. I've been putting a lot of thought into it and I've realized that I want to live like a hermit for a while. Too bad I can't afford it.
I spent the weekend in the apartment living in a corner of the living room, then on Monday afternoon, the Hunts came and picked me up and I've been staying with them and coming to the library on campus when I can for computer and internet access. Also, I've read the interesting looking books they've got there... they never really unpacked all of their stuff since their last move, I think.
More reading fantasy, napping, and practicing kata for karate is definitely in order at least until saturday
My train ticket has me leaving Salt Lake on Tuesday night and getting into Sacramento on Wednesday afternoon
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