Trusting Myself

I have a habit of listening only to other's advice and ignoring my true feelings for a very long time. I had them, but never acted on them.

I was told not to do Marching Band, but I'm sure it would've added a lot to my college experience. I went to BYU for a year and a half and never once went to any of the games. No, that's a lie, I went to BYU vs USC in tennis for extra credit. Even though I cheered for the gamecocks

I took a student development - study skills class. Somewhere in the middle of the semester or earlier, we took a learning styles test. We were sorted into 4 slices of a pie chart. One side (which was apparently the ideal) was of the analytical minds of ppl who have to control every single thing with their 6-figure salary and on the complete other were the artists and people who were in touch with colors and aesthetics who made absolutely no money. Then the teacher proceeded to tell us how we should nurture all of our personality traits in the six figure salary personality area. I should've been able to get a hint from this--it OFFENDED me that I was supposed to adopt those study skills.

Again, I ignored my feelings while approaching the second semester because I was lazy and didn't know how to stand up for myself yet--I stayed in Wyview Park with my two roommates who weren't really good at being friendly towards me.


However, I was told in no uncertain terms that I was supposed to go to BYU while I was praying about it in my Junior year. I submitted an early application and didn't worry about it at all. It's true, I was very homesick for the culture that I left behind, but I learned that I could go shopping without doing an hour's worth of work, learned karate, and I met Tod.

Away from Mom
It was liberating to make my own decisions about what I would do and what I wouldn't. My nicer roommate would laugh about stuff that I was discovering, like the fact that I could go to the mall when I wanted to or that I could stay out as late as I desired.
Karate
Talk about stress relievers! It was the best form of self defense that I've ever seen. This style of karate fit me almost like a glove. I built up strength and confidence, and best of all, I was allowed to kick and punch a thick pad held by my instructor and was able to get all kinds of technique fine-tuning. We talked about different kinds of situations and how to handle them. Also, I loved getting to know our instructor. Getting to know someone so very nice and gentle who knew how to destroy a person was very comforting... Heh
Tod
I am convinced that we were supposed to meet each other. I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father knew that I wasn't University material. In my need to escape my roommates, I ended up spending a lot of time at as many alternatives to home as I could think of: At first it was Heidi & John's house, but then I branched out a little to one of my friends from my dance class's apartment, and then I got to know Tod and the Hunts better and tried to hang out with them for as late as possible, which got pretty late, b/c while I was at the Hunt's, I didn't have to catch the bus, Tod would give me a ride home. Tod sort of learned initiative and I was able to finally get over Cole. I went home for the summer and accidentally made Tod think we were still dating. When I came back, I found out what love feels like. Tod felt the desire to finally get out of debt and start preparations for when he finally got a family of his own.
The reason for this is that as soon as I found out that I was in love with Tod, I didn't really feel the need to continue at BYU anymore, and after Tod left, homesickness was much worse, and it was increasingly difficult to go to class.
For Tod--he went to Utah for Mary and Drew's wedding almost exactly two years ago and didn't get the clear from Heavenly Father to leave until fall of 2008 after he got some self-confidence and ready to face his past.


In my two years since leaving home, I have learned that there is a point to saving money, I can be responsible for myself, I am over Cole and have learned what love is, I learned that there is no way I could survive happily outside of the south, I am in no way University material, I love my brother-in-law, John, and how he treats Heidi, I like being fit, and manual labor suits me.

One of my friends called the other day and while we were catching up, he recommended that I go to a Technical college and major in plumbing. He makes me laugh. ...even though that suits me a lot better than any university major I looked at.


In other words--I had to do my growing up somewhere, might as well do it somewhere that it would do some good