woot for downers

I hate being lonely. I know it's my own fault. I freak out when people get close to me. That fact probably makes my jealousy worse, if anything.

I love to have friends who care lots about me, but I can't open up to people who I don't feel like they know me--and my definition of knowing me is a ridiculously involved process pointed out to me when having a discussion about a guy that I had a full-blown panic attack about simply because we went to the park together and it felt like a real date and, to my definition, he doesn't know me AT ALL. blech

Living life torn between wanting to be a hermit and having at least 5 really close friends is interesting. It really depends on which emotion is leading that day...