I don't know if it's progress or the worst relapse ever, but when I think about Mom, I feel nothing. Not anger, not sadness, not even a "what can you do" sort of amusement. It's like everything stops in my brain when the woman who gave birth to me comes up in conversation.
My psychologically abusive ex-mom doesn't even share any part of my name with me since the divorce and her name officially changed back. Maybe she just doesn't exist in my mind at all anymore. I know the concept of a Mom and I know that I didn't have the ideal childhood, but as far as having a Mom? Nothing.
Even though I got to this other subject through quite a different manner, it's still close enough that it belongs in the same blog post:
When I am hurt, I never seem to feel the need to punish myself physically. There's usually one of two options: 1-retreat so far into myself that it doesn't matter anymore or 2-lash out at people. I can usually stop from doing option 2 because the people around to lash out at have nothing to do with why I am hurting and would probably do whatever it is in their power to fix it. 1 is tougher because it's such a default to build a shell around myself and hide behind it especially if that's all I want to do.
I'm very effective when lashing out at people. I know what to say that will hurt. I know how to say it. I know what inflection to use and what expression to have on my face. I realize this about myself. As a result, I work really hard to keep from doing this because of the reasons stated in the previous paragraph and that I usually regret being so mean later on
2 comments:
It seems to me it's a good step. There's no more hurt and anger. I hope it means you're healing.
I know I've been leaving a lot of comments lately, but I'm just now reading a lot of these posts. Just wanted to say that I appreciate your thought process when you want to lash out at people, having sometimes been on the receiving end of that. I remember when we were still at home, I had to use the tactic of not telling you sensitive stuff when you were doing well so you wouldn't use it against me later. I can tell that you've matured a lot since then from interacting with you, but it's still nice to see written down :)
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