Maybe I haven't been able to completely forgive her, but the rage has been replaced with sadness for what I (and the rest of the kids) missed out on and what she is surely missing out on. That's probably all the progress I can hope for at this point.
Mom has no idea how good of a man she's been pushing away (she probably has no idea how forcefully she's pushing everyone away with her actions). There's no way she'll find someone who will want to marry her (unless they are blind and deaf to her actions). Dad, on the other hand, could find someone. In the back of my mind, I wonder if he'll find someone who will love us unconditionally. That could be a really great experience. I used to just hope for whoever I married having a wonderful Mom who I could wholeheartedly adopt. That route might not happen for quite a while. Now I have hope that I might get a loving stepmom.
I wonder if I'll ever even like Mom. Probably only if she turns her life around and admits that she's not perfect. We had a lesson in church about Cain & Abel a couple weeks ago. It was simply sad to me that Mom was by far the most similar to Cain in her actions, but she probably heard the lesson and thought "I'm a good person because I haven't killed my brother like Cain did" or some such nonsense. The point was that Cain did, in fact, make a sacrifice to the Lord (on the suggestion of Satan), and he was jealous of his brother's favor. Callously removing a problem & refusing to take personal responsibility when someone asks you about your inappropriate behavior is something I have seen again and again and again. "...Satan tempted me because of my brother's flocks. And I was wroth also; for his offering thou didst accept and not mine; my punishment is greater than I can bear" (Moses 5:38) vs "I had gluten!" "I'm tired!" "You kids never listen [unless I yell and make threats]!" "Your dad doesn't support me like he should!" "I have to do all this stuff by myself!" Something she's forgotten is that it's been decided over and over again that while certain circumstances can make things more likely, you still did that awful thing, and in the end, it was YOU who chose to do it.
Dear Mom,
Physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse. Kids should grow up with unconditional love, not conditional. Controlling people through fear is unacceptable and I won't bow to your demands. I am sorry that it has come to this point, but you are not welcome in my life, no matter how much you try to bribe me.
Your daughter,
Hannah
7 comments:
forgiveness is tough =]
*high five!*
p.s. I liked reading this
For what it is worth...it took me 40 years to get to a "good" place with my mom. She was verbally abusive and unloving. I still have trouble hugging her. I am the only child that can help her now...one brother is dead and the other is in prison for 25 years. I always said I "loved" her b/c she is my mother (and a mother's job is difficult)but sought other "mothers" to fulfill what was missing in my life. Getting over the rage and anger is important and learning how not to act when you have children. There are so many that love you and will "mother" you. It sounds like you are making progress and that is important. Your mom has good qualities I just find her very difficult to talk to (I tried to be her friend for awhile and it was uncomfortable to say in the least)I don't think she realizes how offensive and insensitive she can be...you're never too old to learn and change if ya want to! xoxoxoxoxo
I'm sorry I never knew what must have been going on in your house. I'm sure everyone was on their best behavior when I was there. (You mom included.) I'm sorry that the environment was not a loving one. It breaks my heart that you guys had to live that way. I would be wary even still of saying that your mother is entirely responsible for everything that happened. She's not completely evil and your father is not completely angelic. Maybe there were a lot of issues that you knew nothing about. Maybe there were frustrations that you were not privy to. Maybe she wasn't getting the support she needed from her husband. (I don't know, but neither do you. You may think you do, but you can't know that. In saying this, I'm not saying that she didn't make it hard.) Just be careful in all your judging. I know you're hurt and don't see your mother's good qualities. She does have some--tainted though they may be. And your father has his weaknesses. I would have thought you of all people would have seen at least one when he insisted that you do what he wanted or he wouldn't help pay for school and that sort of attitude. I believe you have 2 very controlling parents who have lived in frustration.
Yeah, I know. Mom pointed it out to me the last time we talked. I was trying to get across the fact that while she could have had good reasons, she's not blameless b/c she went through with her temptation and created so much misery.
in past history, ppl tried to get away with murder by blaming it on a chemical imbalance or being possessed by devils. however, history has always returned to "you did it, in the end, society has a standard for you to live up to & we can't create exceptions for your situation"
I haven't completely condemned her if that's what you're thinking. She definitely has had her reasons for doing things the way she did. There are even some things she's done that I plan on copying. However, in order for me to be happy & avoiding depression as much as possible, I need to have her out of my life.
I'm not saying that her actions are not her responsibility. I'm just saying that being a mom (since I am one) is not always easy, especially when you're frustrated. I'm glad you recognize that, and I understand that you don't want to have contact with her now. That might be another pro for going away to school.
I was concerned because you equated her with Cain. The ultimate guy in doing wrong. He was so bad that a curse was put on him so that the rest of Adam's posterity would not mingle with him and his posterity. Your comparison, to me, was overly harsh. She may justify herself in the same way, but her deeds were not to his level. You admit yourself that there was no physical abuse much less murder. I'm just saying. It's important to keep the perspective.
That said I think it's healthy to get the pain out. You need that catharsis.
I'm worried that you seem to think psychological abuse is not as bad as physical abuse. My APCal teacher told me that in some ways, it was MUCH worse b/c at least for her, she knew when she was going home, it was going to be bad. For me & my siblings, we never knew if it was going to be good or bad until she actually snapped. We all displayed massive avoidance tactics (including Dad). Speaking of which, how can you live with someone for 30 years and not have some bad habits rub off on you? Yes, he definitely made some mistakes.
Mistakes are forgivable. Mistakes made without love or acknowledging them in any way are horribly difficult to forgive. Mom or any other relation
I understand family loyalty. It was weird when I got a little upset when ppl who didn't know much about my situation were saying bad things about Mom.
I guess I feel that with physical abuse there is always at least some psychological abuse. They go hand in hand. If there is just psychological abuse, you're only getting one component. I'm not trying to minimize the effect. I'm just saying at least there wasn't the physical to go along with it.
Your dad's mistakes are his own. I'm not saying living in an environment like your mom created wasn't difficult and didn't influence things he did. Self-preservation is a powerful thing, but his weaknesses are not all your mom's fault. His decisions were his decisions--just like hers were hers. He could always have been close to you kids. Always.
I reiterate that I'm so sorry y'all had such a hard time in your house. I love you, and it makes me ache for you that you don't feel you've been well loved in your growing up years.
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